Television Is Dead

(Originally posted on Hawanja.com on 5/15/05, in reaction to the cancellation of Star Trek: enterprise, a day that will live in infanmy for dorks like me.)

UPN has cancelled Star Trek. Goddammit.

Yes, I am a dork. Yes, I watch Star Trek. You know why? Becasue television is so pathetic nowadays that Star Trek is the best show on TV. Yes, I know it's essentially a soap opera with Vulcans, I understand that. I know fat guys who don't get laid watch Star Trek. I know the risks and I took them. I like Star Trek. I am a "Trekker."

But seriously, what else is there on TV that comes even close to Star Trek? Let's take a look at other popular shows that somehow manage to stay on the air instead of Star Trek: Enterprise:

Desperate Housewives: Ugly old white women bitch and moan about how they never get laid. Boring.

Law and Order: A show about Lawyers. Fuck Lawyers.

The Apprentice: Stupid ass reality TV show starring everyone's favorite cardbaord cut-out Donald Trump. Essentially Survivor in an office building. Real original premise there.

Fear Factor: Watch various human rejects get buckets of Amazon trarantulas dumped on thier heads for money. Fun shit.

CSI: Crime Scene Investigations: Supermodels that are waaayy too good looking to be cops go out and use every trick in the Mystery Mobile to solve crimes usually perpetrated by the first guy they pick up. I really like how all these shows have the (now standard) super duper computer that somehow can pick out one microbe from a wheelbarrow of vomit and tie it in to somebody's genetic code or whatever. These shows should be seen for what they are: comedy. Like in every show the bad guy just gives up and admits everything at the end, nice message they're sending us: "We know you did it so when you get arrested just give up becasue we know more than you." At least with Star Trek you know it's fantasy. In real life the cops use computers older than your grandmother, have their heads up thier asses, and usually convict people by the skin of thier teeth. And how many spin-off of this show do we need? Two fucking spin-offs at the same time? So if you just can't wait until next week for your steaming helping of bullshit you can just tune in tomorrow for the exact same show with different people in it? They have a different CSI show for every day of the week. "Comming soon! CSI: Bangladesh!" These shows are rediculous. Fuck CSI.

Everybody Loves Raymond: Everybody loves my anus.

24: Watch how the military industrial complex is slowly turning your beloved country into a police state, starring Kiefer Sutherland, the one actor who keeps getting his movie roles stolen by Kevin Bacon and had to do a TV show instead. Oh yeah, the President's black too. Like that will ever happen. (On subsequent viewings, I somewhat like this show as it's funny to watch Kiefer Sutherland act circles around the rest of the cast. It really shows the difference between someone who gets paid $20 million and the other bozos they got out of Backstreet ads. Plus whenever they torture someone it's cool.)

(Edit: Nov 4th, 2008 - Wow, the President is now black. 24 was right, and I was wrong. I will now watch this show.)

The Amazing Race: Just like Fear Factor except now they fly you to Africa to dig for a marble through a pile of Hippopotomus shit. And once they made them eat a scrambled ostrich egg. Jesus Christ I hate TV.

Lost: Buncha assholes on an Island, and they don't even have sex or eat each other. What the hell else you gonna do on an island if it doesn't involve fornication or cannabalism? Lame.

Survivor: Oh wait, here's a show about a buncha assholes on an Island, but instead of orgies or eating each other they're competing in stupid contests and stabbing each other in the back to win a million dollars. You know what this show is? Bumfights. Bumfights on an Island. Twenty people fucking each other over for donuts, on an Island. Wow, it took some brains to come up with this shit. Fuck Survivor, Fuck Survivor, Fuck Survivor.

Without a Trace: Ohh! I've lost my kid! HHEEELLLPPP MEEEE! Watch as unrealistically effcient police officers hunt down sterotypical child molestor stock characters within two hours while in real life you're better off just having another kid becasue the cops just go out and slap a couple of pictures on milk cartons and call it a day. The funny part is people think this crap is real.

Numbers: Dumbass cop can't get his shit together so he gets his super genius brother to help him becasue he's such a fucking Enstien with numbers he's living in a trailer and not out in Las Vegas breaking the bank at Casinos. Yeah, ok. As you can see I just made up the premise of the show becasue I've never actually watched it. Ten to one I'm not that far off. How's that for some fucking number crunching you morons.

Trading Spouses: My god, television has sunk to a new low. Now it's like Survivor but in your house. And the catch? We switched MOMS on you! Hoooo-boooooy, this is gonna be some FUN SHIT! And you shitheads actually watched this crapola. Please go shoot yourselves.

I could go on and on, but fuck it. Suffice to say that TV is dead, no thought, planning, let alone creativity goes into television programs anymore. Now any dimwit fuckhead with a camcorder just films himself jizzing into the Jello bowl and calls it a "Reality TV show" while the rest are bullshit cop shows that recycle TJ Hooker plots but this time with a comptuer in the background. How about some shows with a little, you know, entertainment involved? You know, shows where the actors like, ACT out parts instead of compete in stupid contests? Am I the only person left on Earth who thinks to be on TV you should have some like, you know that thing people on TV used to have, TALENT?

You know what the worst part of this is? Star Trek got cancelled so they could put Britiney Spears' new reality show in it's time slot. Yup, Miss Spears now has her own stupid ass show, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. And you fuckheads are going to watch it. And buy shit from their sponsors. And propogate the reality show disease for generations to come.

There would have been a time when I would have ended this little sermon with a call to arms to destroy this plauge that infects the airwaves, but I know you dumbasses are too stupid to care. So all of you go and watch Britney and Kevin walk around and go shopping and talk about people you don't know and do stupid bullshit, and I'll play with my Enterprise action figures. Then maybe I'll go masturbate to naked pictures of T'Pal and cry myself to sleep.

Television is now officially dead.

P.S. - You may gather from the above that I don't have much faith in our valued police departments to enforce the democratically instituted laws of our glorious land in a just and professional manner. You're right. I don't.

P.S.S - Britney's dumbass show didn't get past one episode. They cancelled Star Trek for this bitch. I'm glad she went insane.