Thursday, December 25, 2003

Ten Things I Fucking Hate part 1

Since there is so much shit that I hate in the world I have decided to make a list:
1) When people write the word "with" as a w and a slash: Example: " I like my weenies w/mustard, I got mad because I hat to eat my weenies w/horseradish." How much time are you possibly saving? Just write "with."
2) People who treat their dogs like they are real human beings: You ever see some lady baby talking to her mutt like it's her stupid child or something? "Oh woogie woogie wanna wittle doggy woggy snack? Yes he does, yes he does!" Lady, it's a dog. It is not a small child. The dog has no idea what you are saying to it. You could be telling it that you're going to anal rape it with a plunger and it'll still wag it's tail at you. And while I'm at it people who kiss their dogs on the mouth totally make me sick. Your dog does not know anything about oral hygiene. He probably just got finished drinking out of the toilet. Now he is licking you on the mouth. That's just straight nasty.
3) When somebody has that little it of spittle in the corner or their mouth but doesn't know it: Please wipe that shit off.
4) Old hippies: Look man, the 60s are OVER. The revolution is not going to happen. Your generation sold the rest of us out a long time ago, and the only reason people like you are allowed to continue to exist is to show the rest of us what went wrong. Get a job. Take a bath. Take off that Grateful Dead shirt and get a stupid haircut before the rest of your hair falls out. It is not too late to get a life.
5) Dan, the Dell taco guy: Where the hell did they find this bozo? I can picture the board meeting: "Okay, I want the wimpiest, cheesiest, most homo-erotic little simpleton we can possibly find to be our new commercial guy." Dan, give it up. You make me equate eating tacos with FAG.
6) Rich ladies who think that since they own all this expensive shit then they own you too: Look lady, just because you've got an expensive watch and drive a car worth more than my house does not mean you are part of some super-class of citizen that somehow is born with the right to treat the rest of us like slaves. The fact that you're rich does not mean you can complain all the time, cut in front of people in traffic or take up all the clerk's time at the grocery store. Some of us might work in a place where we have to serve the general public, like a restaurant, store, or (gasp!) coffee shop, and those who do know the kind of person I am talking about.
7) Rich people who have all this money but act all cheap all the time: I know you didn't get rich by paying top dollar for everything, but you made it. You can relax now. You don't have to clip coupons to save a dime on a fifty nine cent can of cat food. You can afford it.
8) Old Punk Rockers: These people are even worse than old hippies. There's noting more pathetic than some guy in this mid forties with a Mohawk and nipple rings. In fact, anyone over the age of 21 should shave that shit off and get a job. You can party all you want when you are young but you will not be a kid forever. One of the central tenants of a punk rock life is taking responsibility for your actions and what effect they have on the world around you. That is the reason punks started getting Mohawks and tattoos in the first place, they were intended to piss off the square-mainstream-conservative-moral majority-people. But that shit is over with now. Punk died twenty years ago. It is not shocking anymore. When you see Chicken Mcnuggets thrashing around to the Ronald McDonald hardcore band in celebration of the new McPunky chicken sandwich it means that the mainstream has effectively bought and sold your image. It means it's time to change. It means that if your hardcore band you started ten years ago still doesn't have a manager and is still playing the same club with the same people coming every week, then chances are you are not going to make it. It means it's time to quit bitching when all the normal people stare at you when you walk down the street. But this time they are not staring at you because you are shocking them; They are staring because you are lame.
9) People who put too many goddamm exclamation marks at the end of a sentence: Instead of "Wow!" they have to write it like "WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Give me a break. What could possibly be so exciting? Also, when people put more than one question mark is annoying. Sometimes they mix them with exclamation points as well, like "Hey, why did you ram this pole into my head !?!?!?" Well, which one is it? Are you excited or just asking me a question?
10) White guys who act and dress like black guys: You are just making yourself look stupid. You were not born in the ghetto, you do not hang with your homies in the 'hood. You are just exploiting a fashionable stereotype. But that fact that you are a white man who is indulging in the culture of people who were oppressed by white men turns you into a farcical pantomime of what the black culture expresses. This is not to say that hip hop isn't a musical genre that embraces multiculturalism, because it is. Hip hop is perhaps the most open and adaptable musical movement in the history of mankind. There is room enough in hip hop for people of all colors, religions, and cultural backgrounds. But you notice that Latinos who are into hip hop don't act like black people, nor do Asians, or people of Middle Eastern decent. It's only the white guys who go all crazy with it, get the expensive five point "O," buy the three hundred dollar basketball shoes, and say shit like "ah'right?" I'm sure many black people look at some honkey nincompoop wearing an NWA jacket and a Raiders hat on to the side and laugh their asses off. You have become the butt of their jokes. Please turn the hat around the right way, fool. You are White, you are not Black. You do not have enough soul. You never will.

Monday, December 1, 2003

The Internet Sucks

The internet was supposed to be something that was going to change the fabric of our society, alter the entire face of human interaction and transform us into a high tech race of highly efficient computerized cyber citizens who live in a free and just society. Instead, the internet sucks.

Don't get me wrong. I fully enjoy many aspects of on-line life, like the fact that I can publish a web page and at the click of a mouse insult people from all across the globe. But the problem is that the sweeping changes that were supposed to happen because of the broadband wiring of society never happened. In fact in some respects the internet has made shit worse.

E-mail was supposed to be this awesome new way to communicate that was supposed to open doors by allowing the instant exchange of Ideas regardless of time or distance. But it's become just another way to shove junk mail up your ass. I get probably one or two valid e-mails a week (e-mails from people or websites I know about.) By comparison I get about 500 Spam junk e-mails a day, everything from Porn sites with old ladies blowing horse dick to Nigerian letter scams where some asshole is trying to rip off my bank account number. It's uncanny. The advent of e-mail has created a whole new species of asshole, the Spammer. It got so bad once that I had to close down a hotmail account because I got too much fucking Junk mail. Where's the sweeping social change in that?

Yeah, the internet is good to research shit, if you have the patience to shift through thousands of bullshit homepages put up by right wing assholes, religious nuts, wacko conspiracy bozos, and complete and total crazy people. Also the tens of millions of fucking porn or warez sites that redirect you and stealth install bullshit on your computer isn't making me any happier either.

But by the worst thing is the fact the halls of cyber space are prowled by the biggest subsection of fuck-ups this side of the Looney ward. The fact that your true identify is hidden has allowed any fucking nimrod with a finger click a mouse to get on and act like he's somebody important. NOTE TO INTERNET PEOPLE: Learn how to type in proper English. This "Ha ha u suc my @$$ n00b cause I b da m2573r hax0r rotflmao!" Bullshit is getting old. That shit was funny and cool for five minutes in 1993. It is over now. Get on with your life.

Second, just because somebody is new to a website, chat room, or message board does not mean you have to automatically be a total asshole to them. Half the time I post on a board because I have a question about something. I am looking for an answer. I am not looking to for some bozo trying to pathetically flame me because I'm a "n00bie." Oh, you have experience on the buliten board, so I guess it's your right to call me names when I ask a simple fucking question? A stupid nickname does not make you cool. Please go and kill yourself.

Speaking of porn sites, just how many fucking pages of lolita bestiality transvestite extreme anal penetrations do we need? I think it's really telling about our society when we develop a tool that can bring entire nations together and create cultural enlightenment at the click of a button and the largest industry it develops caters to fat, smelly guys who spank it to naked pictures of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It just blows my mind.

The only good thing on the internet is E-Bay. At least you can buy shit on the net. And Peer to Peer networking. Everything else abut it sucks.

Wednesday, October 1, 2003

Anime Sucks

Anime (Japanese animation for those of you who live under a rock) is getting stale. It was good about ten years ago. All the bullshit that comes out now is starting to suck my dick.
Anime used to be good. It was cool to see some animation which catered to adults for a change. Nothing like that has been produced in the U.S.A. probably since Ralph Bashki (who made awesome animated classics like Fritz the cat, Cool World, Fire and Ice, Street Fight, etc.) Everything else stateside caters to the kiddy crowd as cartoons are still widely seen as mindless entertainment for children. It was cool in the beginning to see some sex and violence in animated form. Anime movies like Ninja Scroll, Fist of the North star, Vampire Hunter D, Legend of the Overfiend, Akira, Princess Mononoke, or Ghost in the Shell are beautifully animated classic works of art, with enough titties and bloodshed to keep me happy. Even in shows which were supposed to be for kids (Like DBZ or Yu Yu Hakuso) plenty of decent asskicking could still be found. And to some extent the anime style is pretty awesome. But all that is over with now.
Now it's all the same thing over and over and over again. I can sum up the plot and characters of nearly every anime TV show made within the last ten years by using Street Fighter II, DBZ, and Robetech.

The Hero: Ryu/Goku/Rick Hunter - He's a guy with a high moral code who never fights unless it somehow increases his own personal abilities. Sometimes the character is goofy, sometimes he's serious, but he always has brown hair and acts surprised all the time. He has innate abilities which he has only begun to master.

The Rival: Ken/Vegeta/Roy Volker - He's usually cooler, less reserved, and more wild and crazy than the hero. He's the cool breakout character that all the kids get on the lunchbox. He's the guy that acts brashly and gets his ass kicked by the big bad guy at the end, so the hero has to step in. And 90% of the time he's a white guy with blonde hair. If he is goofy the hero will be serious, and vice versa. And for some reason even though the he and the hero may be best friends they end up duking it out from time to time.

The Chick: Chun-Li/Android 18/Lisa Hayes/Lin Minmae - The angry chick who's relative has been 86'ed by the bad guy. She is mad. She wants revenge. She is also the hero's love interest, but it will take them the span of the entire series to hook up. Sometimes she is weak and needs saving all the time, sometimes she is a badass herself, but she will never be strong enough to take down the Big bad guy alone. Also, at some point during the series she takes a shower.

The stupid sidekick: There is usually a weird sidekick thrown in for the kids, which may be a talking dog, robot, little child, or perverted old man.

The Evil Henchman: Sagat/Captain Ginu/Kypron: The big bad guy has at least one evil henchman who wants to test himself against the hero. Unlike the Boss himself, the henchman is usually a scumbag and will cheat or take cheap-shots while the boss would never do that himself. He usually gets his ass kicked pretty badly and usually dies in a large explosion.

THE BIG BAD GUY: M.Bison/Freeza/Cell/The guy with the metal thing on his face in Robotech: This is the big bad boss who runs the criminal organization/alien invasion/top secret government agency which our hero opposes. He will have many underlings which wear uniforms. His underlings will have incredible powers which massacre normal people at the drop of a hat, but they never seem to last more than a few seconds against our hero or the rival. The rival will brashly attack the Boss and get whupped, which allows the hero to step in and kick ass. Unlike his evil henchmen, the boss himself always follows some strict moral code which means that even though he may be ten times as powerful as the hero he will lower himself to the hero's powerlevel in order to make the fight fair, unless the hero somehow instantly powers-up to meet the boss at his own terms. There never seems to be a lopsided fight in anime. The bad guy never just blows the hero away at the first opportunity either, they have to shoot the shit for a few minutes as well. Eventually a fight ensues and if the hero doesn't annihilate him outright (usually once again in a large explosion,) he will let the hero go and leave with a new respect for him, but still vows to kick his ass the next time they meet.

Anime is finished. It's old, it's trite, it's starting to smell like rotted almonds. Stick a fork in it because I'm done with it.