Monday, May 24, 2004

Ten Things I Fucking Hate Part IV

1) Cheesy poofs: Disgusting artificial chemical bullshit, made out of God knows what. It's like eating Styrofoam packing peanuts covered in shit flavored volcanic ash. These things should be outlawed.

2) Doritos: THE most disgusting snack food on the face of the Earth. What the fuck does Dorito mean anyway?

3) People who try to bring back the 80's: Nowhere else in the history of time was there an period more embarrassing than the 1980s. As I was only a small child for the majority of the 80s I can be forgiven for living through it. The only good thing to come out of the 80's was Super Mario, and He-man. Everything else bites. The 80's was the decade that deserved to die.

4) Old People: I know I've mentioned this before, but lately it seems I've been assaulted by old people left and right. The other day an old lady yelled at me for changing a head light in a do-it-yourself car wash. I had never bitched out an old person before, but now that I've done it I must admit it was rather enjoyable. I'm going to make yelling at old people a regular habit.

5) Morons who keep dangerous animals and then get all pissy when they get their faces mauled: How many times have you heard about some idiot keeping a Bengal tiger in his apartment getting his arm torn off? It's a wild animal you fuckhead, What the hell did you expect? If you keep a huge animal that could devour you in a minute in a small confined space for an unnatural amount of time you should expect it to take a bite out of you once in a while. Like that asshole Sigfreid in Las Vegas who hit his performing tiger in the head with the microphone, and then everyone got all sad when it played mangle the meat melon with his head. If the tiger was in a fucking Zoo (or better yet, in the wild where it belongs) Sigfreid would not be a faceless freak today. This includes dickheads who keep poisonous tarantulas, scorpions, boa constrictors, whatever. They all deserve to become lunch. Fucking idiots.

6) Girls who honk when the laugh: You know what I'm talking about; she starts giggling uncontrollably, stiffens up, then "HOOONNNK!" It's not funny, it's annoying.

7) Fags who think they're tough because they drive big-ass trucks: Oh you drive a big huge penis mobile, so now I'm supposed to be scared of you? Fuck you and your truck. You have no reason to drive a gigantic monstrosity like that unless you use it to haul lumber or furniture or something. The fact that you need a monstrous vehicle to booster your self esteem shows how small your penis actually is. Gas here in Los Angles is currently $2.39 a gallon, so it's a subtle form of revenge to know that these assholes are spending over 40 bucks to fill up their dick mobiles. Fuck them.

8) Stop smoking ads: Yes, I know it's going to kill me. I don't need a TV ad to tell me to quit. One day I will, at the moment I already eat healthy and work out and shit. One fucking thing at a time. In the mean time just shut the hell up already.

9) People who wear sandals outside: What are you fucking Jesus or something? Nobody wants to look at your dirty ass feet. Hot chicks can get away with this because hot chicks can get away with anything. The rest of you have dirty, smelly, crusty, vomit inducing feet that are best left covered up. I hate sandals so much just let out a huge fart.

10) Tow truck drivers: I swear, God please kill all these assholes, please, I beg of you. I promise to stop making fun of Christians on the internet for one whole month if you strike all the tow truck drivers down with the plague or something. There is some background to this story: Last week my brother parked my other car near (not in, mind you) a tow away zone. I went to the scene, I saw the signs, the signs clearly marked where the tow away zone began and where it ended. But the greedy money-grubbing bastards towed my fucking car anyway. I had to drive sixty fucking miles, show up late to work, and pay $150 IN CASH to get the fucking thing out. And what do I find when I get there? Some asshole playing rainbow six on a PS2. I drove all the fuck way down here because over the phone you told me you were to "busy" to take my credit card to find your ass playing a fucking video game? I am going to kill them all, that's all there is to it. I am personally going to get a baseball bat with a nail in it and knock the brains out of every tow truck driver in the whole world. While I'm at it I'm going to kill their families, and all their friends, and everyone whoever knew them. Fuck all of them.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Americans are Assholes

I received this letter in an E-mail. Apparently it was an editorial out of a Tampa Newspaper. Read on:
IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom. We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great American freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.
If you agree -- pass this along; if you don't agree -- delete it!

My god, you can almost hear the Star Spangled banner playing in the background. Particularly liked how the letter ends with "amen," like he's praying to God and insulting foreigners at the same time.
Before you all start calling me names and telling me to "love it or leave it," let it be known that I like to think of myself as a Patriotic citizen. I say "like to think of myself" and not "I am" because if being patriotic means I have to sound like this piece of shit then count me out. Seems to me though that a lot of people tend to have this same arrogant attitude when it comes to patriotism, the idea that our culture and language is somehow inseparable from our national identity. Well that's just not how it is.
First off, you don't have to speak a specific language, live a specific way, or believe in a specific religion to be a citizen of any country, let alone ours. You could speak Swahili, dress in traditional Hungarian wedding attire, and believe in sun worship and still be an American citizen. The fact that English is the "official" language is irrelevant. Doesn't mean that if you don't speak it you aren't entitled to the same rights as any other citizen. Just means that you need an interpreter when you go to the drive-thru.
I could be wrong here, but it seems to me that other people from other cultures bringing the best of what their native lands have to offer is what makes this country great. Is it just not like that anymore? What happened to "bring us your poor" and all the other bullshit it says on the Statue of liberty?
Last time I checked Christianity was not the "official" religion either. In fact, regardless of the bullshit out Reactionary president tried to pull over the last three years, I seem to remember something about a separation of church and state here in America.
"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."
Bullshit. Anyone who's studied past seventh grade history knows that the founding fathers didn't give a shit about anyone but themselves. They didn't fucking care about women, or Indians, or slaves, or children working in factories. They didn't give a fuck about spreading small pox through the indigenous native population or killing any of them who got in the way of Manifest Destiny. What they did care about was money, i.e. no taxation without representation. They cared about taxes, and the Stamp act, and keeping standing armies in time of peace (all things the present federal government does without a second thought, or a hint of criticism I might add.) I also think that it's pretty ironic that our "National Motto," as this person puts it, just happens to be written on the $1 bill, a unit of money. If that doesn't say something about this country then I don't know what does. Am I some kind of rabid anti-patriotic Uncle Sam hater? No, I'm just trying to put this shit into perspective for you all. When was the last time that ANYONE in the history of the United States who has been in a position of power gave a fuck about people more than money? Can you name one person? Thomas Jefferson maybe? Seems to me a lot of the crap the founding fathers did tended to be very contrary to basic Christian principles, like counting black people as 3/4ths of a human being or killing entire nations of Indians. And frankly, the Founding fathers are DEAD now. It is not their country anymore, it's ours. Who gives a fuck what they believed in. What matters now is what WE believe in, what WE do, and how WE act towards each other. What the Founding Father's intent was counts for jack shit.
Also, since we live in a multicultural society, then it is our job, as the citizens, not theirs, as the immigrants, to adapt. Yes, they should learn to speak, read, and write in English, simply because it's the language everyone uses. That's a no-brainer. They should also learn the laws and basic cultural norms, like it's not okay to eat dogs and cats here. The thing is they do already.
Have any of you ever taken a look at the test they give you when you sign up to be a citizen? I'll bet ten to one 90% of you couldn't pass it on your first try. That test is fucking hard. Half the shit they don't even mention in our pathetic schools anymore. See, what all these anti-immigration assholes forget is that people who relocate their lives to this country usually go through a lot more shit than you ever will to come here. Yeah, it might be easy if you're from Canada or the UK. But if you're from anywhere else, say a country we are not particularly friendly towards in regards to immigrants (like Mexico, China, or any country in Africa or the Middle East,) it is practically impossible. You will probably work your ass off for years just to get the dough for the trip over. You'll go through tons and tons of red-tape baloney just to get your foot in the door. You'll have to leave your family and friends and probably not see any of them again for years at a time. And this is only if you're trying to do it the right way, which short of being a millionaire or having friends is high places is fucking impossible. For the rest that means sneaking over the border, crawling over barbed wire fence, dodging redneck patrols and attack dogs, or if you're from the Orient sealing yourself in a cargo container for weeks at a time, perhaps turning yourself into an indentured slave and living in fear of both the authorities AND the triads. People go through all this shit and more, because they want to come here. They come here because they can make more money picking strawberries and washing dishes than with a college education in their own countries. They come here because despite all the faults, our country is still one of the few places left where you can make something of yourself. They go through a living hell to come here and make life better for themselves and their families, and then this asshole has the audacity to tell them to "adapt."
People like this piece of garbage just do not realise how good we actually have it here in this country. You don't have to go that far away to see the difference between here and the rest of the world. Just take a trip down to Tijuana for a weekend, take note of the conditions of the roads, notice how you get the punjaba runs if you drink the water, try to find a public toilet that isn't spawned from the ninth circle of bacteria hell. No fucking wonder so many people risk their lives to come here.
Note to anyone who has never left the United States: The rest of the world thinks all of America has it's head up it's ass. They don't hate us because "We're the land of the free," they don't want to kill us because of "Our freedoms," they just see it like it is, that Americans for the most part are lazy, arrogant, free-loading Assholes who don't know how good they've got it and who can't shut the fuck up for five minutes, and who keep sticking their noses where they don't belong, namely other country's natural resources. People like the dipshit who wrote this letter just prove them right.
And no, Mr. Patriotic, I am not going to leave. Because most of the people in this country (the ones who don't act like you) are generally hard working, intelligent, and care about more than themselves. I find that if I just avoid the dickheads with the cowboy hats and bibles then usually I have a good day. It is my sincere hope that as more and more people come here from around the world people like the author of this letter will find themselves an endangered species. Maybe one day the Mexicans will just breed them out. I know it's not going to happen in my lifetime, but a man can hope. So until that day I suppose I will just have to "delete it."