Monday, November 22, 2004

President Bush kicks ass in Chile

You guys heard this story yet, where Bush got all macho and forced his way through Chilean security to let in one of his bodyguards?

Well you're not getting the whole story.

I was there man, I saw the shit go down.

What really happened was the the Chilean dinner was really filled with terrorists. Ricardo Lagos got up to make a speech, when suddenly he ripped off this face mask like in Mission Impossible to reveal himself as evil-incarnate, Micheal Moore.

With a leg of mutton in one hand and a megaphone in the other, he shouted to his terrorist cohorts" "Let's kill this redneck S.O.B. once and for all!"

Suddenly all the guests tore off their disguises to reveal a rouge's gallery of anti-American terrorists and rouge leaders who support them, Osama, Zacahquari, Idi Amin, Kaddafi, Kim ll jung, the entire Axis of evil.

High on a podium Moore laughed out loud as he called for his naked slave boys. "Bring me my chili bucket so I may watch this execution with satisfaction!" He cried. Two naked boys brought out a 55 gallon drum full of chili and set it in front of the fat film maker. He proceeded to scoop it into his huge maw with both hands yet still maintained his grip on the mutton leg. I think he ate he megaphone.

Bush found himself caught in an evil-terrorist trap, with his secret service agents still outside held back by Chilean security.

"You tricked me Moore, you chili-cheese megaphone eatin' biatch!" Screamed Bush. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... ummm..."

"May we keel heem now, oh grithous leader?" Screamed Osama.

"Yes, please do." Moore spitted. "And bring me some goddammed donuts for crissakes."

After a few minutes of staring blankly at nothing, Bush realized he was in trouble. He tried to get Dick Chaney on the secret earpiece that was still in his coat since the debates but somehow Moore must have prepared for this, and all he got was Mexican Disco music. He knew he was gonna have to handle this on his own, So he whipped out his nunchucku and kicked some terrorist boo-tay.

If I had known Bush was a master at Kung-fu I would have voted for him in a second. Bush was like Bruce Lee, kicking ass and taking names while still shaking his bootie to the beat of Mexican dance music. It was like watching the greatest movie ever made, "Revenge of the Disco Godfther," all over again. For anyone who isn't hip to the asskicking stylings of Rudy Ray Mooore, I suggest you learn.

First up was Saddam Hussian, who managed to escape just thirty minutes before by pretending to be an illegal farm worker and getting deported to Chile. Bush grabbed his head and shoved it up his own ass, then bounced him like a human basketball and made a three pointer right into a Chilean public toilet.

Next Ossama tried to get crazy with an Ak-47, but Bush was too fast. He was dodging bullets like the in Matrix, doing all these crazy backflips and stuff, beating off tons of suicide bombers and Jihadist punks left and right. Then he grabbed a plate full of oysters and slung it like a holy missile with such force that it chopped off Osama's head, which flew through the air and landed in Micheal Moore's depth-charge sized drum of Chili. Moore proceeded to eat anyway.

Oassma's headless body hung on for a second and continued to fire the machine gun, blowing away Idi Amin and shooting Kim ll Jung in both knee caps right before he was about to hit Bush with a bowl full of eggrolls. Jung collapsed to the ground, holding his exposed and bleeding kneecaps, howling in pain. Osama's lifeless body finally fell to the floor. Spurts of blood splattered from his stump of a neck as his heart continued to pump for a few seconds. Some other terrorists had taken position on the second story balcony and were firing pot shots at the President. He picked up Kim and used him like a human shield whilst simultaneously grabbing Ossama's Ak-47 at a full run somersault executed with Olympic precision. Bullets ripped through the North Korean dictator's body while Bush charged them and returned fire with Osama's weapon.

"Ouch! Dat hurts! Let me go! I'm Solly! I'm Solly!" screamed Kim. Bush took out the scumbags on the second level, then coyly remarked "I'll let you go!" then promptly threw Kim through a second story window. Kim landed on a wrought iron gate around a plot of daisy's, but still managed to hang on in excruciating pain for a few more moments. Some papparatzi snapped pictures as he chocked on his own blood.

Zacquari and the president traded blows, but the Iraqi terrorist was no match for the Texan ranch owner former Governor. Bush whipped his ass like it was nobody's business, then did the five-fingered-exploding-heart technique. Zacqari tried to run away but after five steps his heard exploded through his chest. Surprisingly this was not enough to kill him right away and he whipped out a hidden 38 special and fired at Bush at point blank range. I thought it was all over, but after the smoke cleared I was floored when I found Bush CAUGHT THE BULLET IN HIS TEETH! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! He caught it in his teeth, chewed it up, and spit it out with such momentum that it tore Zaquari's body fully in half at the midsection, then Bush took Zacquari's own intestines and strangled him to death for the coup de' grace.

I thought the president was in trouble when I heard this rumbling and the animated corpses of the Ayatollah Komeni and Yassir Arafat burst through the wall. They were controlled by none other than Satan himself! That's right guys, Satan came up from hell with his two agents of evil to destroy God's instrument on Earth.

But I soon had nothing to worry about. Bush, with God on his side, delivered a holy ass-kicking straight from the Lord. He beat them off using his super crazy presidential kung-fu, then used Zaquari's intestines like a lasso and roped Komnei around the neck, then ran outside to a truck full of farm workers and tied it around the bumper, then threatened them with deportation. The ruse worked and they forgot they weren't in California yet and sped away, dragging Komeni's body until it fell apart. I think some stray dogs made off with his head.

Arafat posed no threat either. He tried to sucker punch Bush but the president was even faster, caught his punch like Steven Segal, tore his arm off, and used it to beat both him and Satan into submission. Then he got Satan in the illegal WWE Super-midget-sleeper hold and gave him noogies until he promised to go away.

Micheal Moore got away. We better pass Patriot act IV before it's too late. Who knows what evil plans he has in store for us.

It was an awesome blood-bath of presidential proportions. Damn the Liberal media for shutting off the cameras and hiding this story. We should revolt.

I swear to God this is all true. I was there.

Sunday, November 7, 2004

What the Fuck is wrong with you people?

George Bush got re-elected. Which one of you assholes made this happen? I am personally going to fly out and beat the shit out of each one of you.

I guess four years of fucking up our nation, destroying the environment, stripping away our rights, ruining our economy, and sending us careening screaming into the neo-con manufactured Apocalypse just isn't enough for you dickheads. Now I have to suffer through four more years pseudo moral majority bullshit while the fucking Evangelical Christians screw up the world even more.

Oh well. Despite the major allegations of voter fraud in Florida, Ohio, new Mexico, and elsewhere, it looks like the news media has bullshitted itself into believing Bush won this one fair and square. Like we should expect them to like, report the truth or something. And, as I am an American, I can admit defeat; for John Kerry that is. For the rest of us it's on like Donkey Kong.

Because to anyone with a brain it's pretty obvious that this whole thing is just a repeat of 2000. We have exit polls that are accurate in every county EXCEPT those that have the paperless electronic voter machines. We've been doing exit polls in this country for over 100 years, they just don't screw up for no reason. Exit polls are so accurate they are used as a judgment of voter fraud in the 3rd world for crying out loud. We have similar voter purges like what happened in Florida, except now in Ohio, Nevada, and New Mexico. In some of those states it's not even the law to deny ex-felons their voting rights, yet it happened anyway.

In Florida, some asshole made up flyers that said if you have an outstanding traffic ticket you'd be arrested at the polls. Other people spread more disinformation, one mass e-mail to new registrants claimed you'd need a driver's licence, birth certificate, and social security card to vote.

Greg Palast has undeniable proof that 4000 college kids were tricked into re-registering Republican at a phony address when what they thought they were signing was a petition to legalize medical marijuana. Even though he went to the authorities with names, addresses, copies of the registration forms, and letters from disenfranchised voters the cops in Florida refused to prosecute "for a few more weeks," i.e. until after the election.

It's fucking bullshit. And anyone who interprets this as a "mandate" has their head up their ass and deserves to be curbed. You got a problem with what I'm saying? Then bring it. Everything I'm saying is true and can be verified by a simple Google.

I knew this was going to happen, I told everyone out in Internet land this election was going to be stolen, I could link to several hundred bulletin board posts where I predicted this would happen. Now it has come to pass. I am right about everything. I should start my own psychic network.

What matters now is that all of us who didn't want this psychopath in office to continue to do what we've been doing, that is scream at those without brains who voted for that dumb fuck about why they are all stupid retarded bitches.

See, there's something at work here that most people either are not aware of, or are too stupid to comprehend- America as we know it is teetering on the brink. The progression of a nation state (and for that matter, civilization) is as follows: It's born in an explosion of myth, devolves into a militaristic fascist state, then ends up as a conquest state before either fading away or crumbling all together. Back in the olden days this cycle could take hundreds or even thousands of years. But like everything else in our society that moves at a lightning pace, so does the evolution and eventual fall of our nation.

like Ancient Rome, Egypt, England, Sumeria, etc, the birth of America has been canonized into myth. We have George Washington who cannot tell a lie, chopped down the cherry tree, the Boston Tea Party, Ben Franklin and the kite and key, all of that baloney that has become the stuff of myth. They are stories that we look back on to show how "pure" our nation is, regardless of the fact that none of those events actually happened the way we're told. No difference here than say Romulus and Remus being raised by a she wolf or Cadmus sowing dragon teeth.

Like Rome and Egypt, we have also devolved into a military state. The precise moment this happened is hard to pinpoint, but I would place it somewhere near the end of WWII and the beginning of the Cold War. Our "enemies" were numerous and Godless barbarians, who wanted to overrun and kill us simply for the fact that we exist. For a while we lived happily under this threat of mutually assured destruction.

But that's over with now. The Russians are not there to keep us in check anymore. There is no significant counterbalance to American expansionism, and as thus our nation has entered the final phase: The conquest state. America is at the forefront of several major world crisises- the world is running out of oil, a globalized economy threatens to bring back the feudal system, massive climate change is going to displace millions. Instead of emerging from the Cold War as benevolent victors who will bring civilization to the animals, we've become what we hate- a totalitarian dictatorship hell bent on world conquest. Make no mistake, America has to expand in order to survive.

Problem is we can't do it. We don't live in a dark world populated by barbarians and mongrels. We live in a modern, high technology world where the majority of the human race is literate, somewhat educated, and has access to instant communication and news media, and also highly destructive weaponry. The rest of the world is more informed than you are living in this country. They have media that actually tells the truth once in a while. Anyone who has ever left the Untied States and lived abroad knows how much better life in this country could be. It's goddammed embarrassing.
We cannot afford to take over the world. Two wars coupled with Bush's ridiculous ta cut for rich people have turned a once in a lifetime government surplus into the largest defecit in history ( 7.4 TRILLION dollars and counting, that's $7,400,000,000,000) That's the roof; our lawmakers in Washington are now looking for book keeping tricks to keep the government going. We cannot afford another war. We have the technology, but we don't have the money, we don't have the manpower, we don't have the economy. All you shitheads who think it's fine that we told the U.N. to go fuck themselves and went it alone, we cannot afford to do that anymore. WE HAVE NO CHOICE. We have to co-operate with the international community if we ever hope to catch Ossama Bin Laden (not like he has anything to do with anything anymore. He's been relegated to window dressing, so much so that he has to send us videotapes to remind us he exists. Nice fucking war on terror. What a load of horseshit.)

The thing is it doesn't have to be this way. We don't need to conquer other peoples and take their resources in order to survive anymore. This isn't the Roman Empire, we re not living in a world where if the walls are not manned 24-7 the barbarians are going to sack us. Nobody wants to kill us, they just want to make money. The people out there in the rest of the world still want to be our friends (for the most part,) no matter how many bombs our crazy president dropped in the last four years.

Yes, there are crazy people out there who need to be stopped. Yes we have to stop them. But the only way we can cripple international terrorism, break the backs of cruel rouge dictatorship states, stop the international drug trade and at the same time protect the environment, human rights, the rights of workers and poor people and still not implode when the oil peaks in ten years is by working together with those we don't like- the rest of the world. We need Europe, we need Asia. They need us. We aren't living in individual nation states anymore, we are living in a world community. Time to start acting like it.

And to the rest of you conservatives out there: This is all your fault. Good job assholes.