Monday, November 22, 2004

President Bush kicks ass in Chile

You guys heard this story yet, where Bush got all macho and forced his way through Chilean security to let in one of his bodyguards?

Well you're not getting the whole story.

I was there man, I saw the shit go down.

What really happened was the the Chilean dinner was really filled with terrorists. Ricardo Lagos got up to make a speech, when suddenly he ripped off this face mask like in Mission Impossible to reveal himself as evil-incarnate, Micheal Moore.

With a leg of mutton in one hand and a megaphone in the other, he shouted to his terrorist cohorts" "Let's kill this redneck S.O.B. once and for all!"

Suddenly all the guests tore off their disguises to reveal a rouge's gallery of anti-American terrorists and rouge leaders who support them, Osama, Zacahquari, Idi Amin, Kaddafi, Kim ll jung, the entire Axis of evil.

High on a podium Moore laughed out loud as he called for his naked slave boys. "Bring me my chili bucket so I may watch this execution with satisfaction!" He cried. Two naked boys brought out a 55 gallon drum full of chili and set it in front of the fat film maker. He proceeded to scoop it into his huge maw with both hands yet still maintained his grip on the mutton leg. I think he ate he megaphone.

Bush found himself caught in an evil-terrorist trap, with his secret service agents still outside held back by Chilean security.

"You tricked me Moore, you chili-cheese megaphone eatin' biatch!" Screamed Bush. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... ummm..."

"May we keel heem now, oh grithous leader?" Screamed Osama.

"Yes, please do." Moore spitted. "And bring me some goddammed donuts for crissakes."

After a few minutes of staring blankly at nothing, Bush realized he was in trouble. He tried to get Dick Chaney on the secret earpiece that was still in his coat since the debates but somehow Moore must have prepared for this, and all he got was Mexican Disco music. He knew he was gonna have to handle this on his own, So he whipped out his nunchucku and kicked some terrorist boo-tay.

If I had known Bush was a master at Kung-fu I would have voted for him in a second. Bush was like Bruce Lee, kicking ass and taking names while still shaking his bootie to the beat of Mexican dance music. It was like watching the greatest movie ever made, "Revenge of the Disco Godfther," all over again. For anyone who isn't hip to the asskicking stylings of Rudy Ray Mooore, I suggest you learn.

First up was Saddam Hussian, who managed to escape just thirty minutes before by pretending to be an illegal farm worker and getting deported to Chile. Bush grabbed his head and shoved it up his own ass, then bounced him like a human basketball and made a three pointer right into a Chilean public toilet.

Next Ossama tried to get crazy with an Ak-47, but Bush was too fast. He was dodging bullets like the in Matrix, doing all these crazy backflips and stuff, beating off tons of suicide bombers and Jihadist punks left and right. Then he grabbed a plate full of oysters and slung it like a holy missile with such force that it chopped off Osama's head, which flew through the air and landed in Micheal Moore's depth-charge sized drum of Chili. Moore proceeded to eat anyway.

Oassma's headless body hung on for a second and continued to fire the machine gun, blowing away Idi Amin and shooting Kim ll Jung in both knee caps right before he was about to hit Bush with a bowl full of eggrolls. Jung collapsed to the ground, holding his exposed and bleeding kneecaps, howling in pain. Osama's lifeless body finally fell to the floor. Spurts of blood splattered from his stump of a neck as his heart continued to pump for a few seconds. Some other terrorists had taken position on the second story balcony and were firing pot shots at the President. He picked up Kim and used him like a human shield whilst simultaneously grabbing Ossama's Ak-47 at a full run somersault executed with Olympic precision. Bullets ripped through the North Korean dictator's body while Bush charged them and returned fire with Osama's weapon.

"Ouch! Dat hurts! Let me go! I'm Solly! I'm Solly!" screamed Kim. Bush took out the scumbags on the second level, then coyly remarked "I'll let you go!" then promptly threw Kim through a second story window. Kim landed on a wrought iron gate around a plot of daisy's, but still managed to hang on in excruciating pain for a few more moments. Some papparatzi snapped pictures as he chocked on his own blood.

Zacquari and the president traded blows, but the Iraqi terrorist was no match for the Texan ranch owner former Governor. Bush whipped his ass like it was nobody's business, then did the five-fingered-exploding-heart technique. Zacqari tried to run away but after five steps his heard exploded through his chest. Surprisingly this was not enough to kill him right away and he whipped out a hidden 38 special and fired at Bush at point blank range. I thought it was all over, but after the smoke cleared I was floored when I found Bush CAUGHT THE BULLET IN HIS TEETH! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! He caught it in his teeth, chewed it up, and spit it out with such momentum that it tore Zaquari's body fully in half at the midsection, then Bush took Zacquari's own intestines and strangled him to death for the coup de' grace.

I thought the president was in trouble when I heard this rumbling and the animated corpses of the Ayatollah Komeni and Yassir Arafat burst through the wall. They were controlled by none other than Satan himself! That's right guys, Satan came up from hell with his two agents of evil to destroy God's instrument on Earth.

But I soon had nothing to worry about. Bush, with God on his side, delivered a holy ass-kicking straight from the Lord. He beat them off using his super crazy presidential kung-fu, then used Zaquari's intestines like a lasso and roped Komnei around the neck, then ran outside to a truck full of farm workers and tied it around the bumper, then threatened them with deportation. The ruse worked and they forgot they weren't in California yet and sped away, dragging Komeni's body until it fell apart. I think some stray dogs made off with his head.

Arafat posed no threat either. He tried to sucker punch Bush but the president was even faster, caught his punch like Steven Segal, tore his arm off, and used it to beat both him and Satan into submission. Then he got Satan in the illegal WWE Super-midget-sleeper hold and gave him noogies until he promised to go away.

Micheal Moore got away. We better pass Patriot act IV before it's too late. Who knows what evil plans he has in store for us.

It was an awesome blood-bath of presidential proportions. Damn the Liberal media for shutting off the cameras and hiding this story. We should revolt.

I swear to God this is all true. I was there.

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