Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I Hate Your Parents

For a long time I've been putting together a collection of radical and reactionary literature from groups at both ends of the political spectrum. Call it a hobby of mine. I have pamphlets from wacky liberal groups talking about the evils of corporate America, sweatshop labor, the importance of a vegetarian diet. I have magazines from far right reactionaries warning people about barcodes, illegal immigrants, and how evil activist judges are ruining our country. It's pretty fun to find two diametrically opposed periodicals and see how they talk about the same issues, what they support and why. No doubt the truth often lies in the middle, although a part of me tends to think there really isn't much truth out there to speak of anyway. Not when it comes to these people anyway.

One thing both sides tend to agree on is that at some point in ancient fucking history everything was alright in America. The other thing they agree on is usually it's the other side's fault as to why everything is going down the tubes. Well they are partially right about the second part.

As a citizen of this country I naturally want to be proud of it. And there are lots of things to be proud of, on so many levels. But has anyone else noticed lately that in daily social interactions with members of the international Internet community it's somehow become embarrassing to say one is from America? People from the rest of the world look at our corrupt politicians, the ridiculous wars we keep starting, and how we can't even take care of our own people when a disaster hits and promptly decide they don't want any of that. It's almost an insult now, "Shut up you stupid American! Get out of here and go consume something!"* How the fuck did this happen? When did we go from living in the best country in the world to the bastard child of western civilization? Being American, my first natural reaction is to blame somebody. My second natural reaction is to shoot them. In the face. Multiple times.

You can't blame our exalted leaders, the politicians. They just do what we tell them, which is absolutely nothing. They need something to do all day. They are getting paid after all. Can't just sit around the office all day playing video games and downloading porn. So they fill their time by scamming each other, making shady deals, passing legislation specifically designed to fill their own pockets, etc. It should then come to no surprise that people like say, esteemed Washington lobbyist and con artist Jack Abramoff rip people off for a living and buy politicians like they're baseball cards. Then when somebody finally gets the balls to expose his corrupt ass we get all surprised when he drags everyone down with him. Well what the hell do you expect? Abramoff isn't the only dirtbag on capitol hill, Washington is full of sleaze bags like this. Tricking conservative Christian groups into pressuring for laws against gambling with money from Indian casinos, then bilking said Indian tribes out of millions? Founding an organization to help inner city youth, then using them to launder money to fund Israeli sniper schools? Using money that Russian oil companies donated to stop possible tax increases from the IMF* to found a phony PAC* headed by Tom Delay's wife, then suddenly all Abramoff's clients get a free vote from the Republican majority leader? This is flyshit to what really goes on in Washington.

You can't blame our media. They just give us what they think we want, and we tell them what we want with our dollars. They put out utter bullshit and tripe, yet we continue to buy it, read it, blog it, and talk about it. Despite the utter swill that passes for television news, important stories do get reported on here in the United States. The above dirt on Abramoff has been all over the print and internet news media for a number of months now. Problem is now you have to actually search for it, and nobody gives a fuck enough anymore to take time out of their day to do that. People have shit to do, jobs to work at, families to raise. Keeping up with important news is a full time occupation. Try it. Try to stay current on what's really going on. You can't. It's fucking impossible. The average citizen doesn't have time to wade through hundreds of websites, blogs, etc. Who the hell wants to spend their day doing that anyway?

What we need is to have important news shoved in our face. We need the damn media to come out and say: "Look dumbasses! Look at what's going on!" Then maybe it wouldn't be such a surprise to learn things like the President ordered the NSA to spy on American citizens, or that they've been doing it since 2001, and that the FBI, Pentagon, Department of Homeland security, national guard, and local police departments from around the country have been involved. But we won't know this stuff if the assholes who report it keep focusing on celebrity bullshit like Michael fucking Jackson or whatever famous person is in trouble this week.

I know who we can blame: Our Parents, people of the baby boomer generation. It's thier fault. They were born into the land of the free in the middle of an unprecedented economic boom. Back then shit was cheap, you could work at a low paying job like a waiter or gas station attendant and still make enough money to have your own place, car, and put yourself through school, all with one breadwinner in the house and a family to boot. The environment was still basically stable, inner cities were not overrun with thugs and drugs. Sure there were gangsters back then, but they usually ran nightclubs or brothels instead of shooting each other for wearing the wrong color clothing. Drugs back then were better too, and there were more of them, and you didn't get sent up the river for the rest of your life for doing them. Just ask your mom.

You could fuck whoever you wanted and not have to worry about your immune system shutting down ten years later. Ask your mom about that too. You could move to a completely different city and find a decent job and establish yourself in a short period of time. You could trust police officers, for the most part. You could trust the person you just voted for to work for the principles he stood for. You could go to fucking college and not be in debt for the rest of your life. A middle class person with an income of fifty grand in today's dollars could buy a fucking house with a year's salary in a major city like New York. You didn't have to worry about random wackos flying planes into buildings. Sure, everyone lived under the threat of mutually assured nuclear holocost with the Russians, but what the hell. We all gotta go sometime.

This was a world created by our grandparents, who despite thier handicaps of wearing outdated clothes, smelling bad, and not being able to work any type of electronic appliance, at least knew the value of hard work.

But what did they do with all this opportunity? They partied. They took lots and lots of drugs. I saw fucking Woodstock, I know how crazy you motherfuckers were. You assholes didn't give a shit about anything, you never have, and you never will. All you want is everything, NOW, without having to work for it. It's in the way shit is advertised to baby boomers, watch them commercials for high priced sports cars or SUVs. They fucked up our economy, they screwed up our environment, they allowed our political system to get taken over by thieves and lunatics. And as the final "fuck you" they're sitting back and letting all our inailible rights get flushed down the fucking toilet. Why do I keep saying "they?" Because everyone knows no one who makes under a hundred grand means a bucket of shit in this country, read = 90% of everyone under the age of 35, the children of the baby boomers, ME. (as for the other 10%, fuck them.)

Now they're all retiring to Florida, leaving this huge fucking mess of a planet behind. Not their problem anymore. No dad, you go ahead and sit there watching TV all day, I'll clean the shit up. To everyone born before 1969, I just want to say a few things:
Thanks to the fucked up world you assholes left us no one in my generation even has a chance. It's going to take an act of God to pull the world out of this bucket of pig vomit you dickheads left it in. Good job assholes. As a matter of fact I don't know a single person in your age group with a shred of decency. Every last one of you is a greedy bitch who only gives a shit about themselves. You are scum. You are all going to burn in hell one day. I fucking hate you.
And advice for the Y generation, children of generation X:
Don't listen to anything your parents tell you. They are stupid beyond words.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

The DaVInci Code: It's Called Fiction, Dumbass!

Tonight I was flipping through channels and came across Reverend Peter Popoff, who for those of you who don't know is one of those faith healer Lord-chase-the-devil-out-of-this-person's-bad-kneecaps types. Fun shit with him goes back to being exposed on the Tonight Show for his wife telling him who in the audience needs "healing" via hidden radio transmitter, i.e. this is a guy who's been exposed as a fraud in the past but people still buy into his bullshit. Anyway Reverend Popoff was selling these little plastic vials of (I shit you not) "Miracle Spring Water." He was sitting there with some other sidekick lady person (the kind with screwy hair and fucked up makeup) reading all these testimonial letters about people curing cancer and getting magical bank errors in their favor after drinking it. This kind of shit is pure comedy to me, I can watch it for hours on end. That's why I stopped making fun of Evangelical Christians so much, how can you insult people who believe this shit? Supposedly the water was "free." I was contemplating some kind of scheme where I could set my phone on redial with a tape recorder, so maybe they'd end up sending me enough free miracle water so I could fill up my swimming pool, but then the subject matter changed.

Suddenly Mr. Preacher man switched gears from used car salesman to wrath-of-the-holy-asskicking-lord mode. Apparently The DaVinci code is causing all kinds of trouble with the Christians, like they're insulted by the premise that Jesus got a little nooky. Maybe they're pissed off because they prayed that it would be a failure instead of opening at number one and grossing $175 million dollars. Popoff ranted and raved about the lies and deceptions in the book and how it's the fault of the "liberal secularists" that are destroying our nation (mind you, this asshole was selling magic water five minutes ago.) The sermon ended with him throwing the book to the floor and stomping on it to a standing ovation. I wasn't standing. I was too busy rolling on the floor, trying not to shit my pants with laughter.

This got me thinking, is this book/movie really causing that much of a stir with my favorite comedy religion? I checked a few conservative Christian movie review sites and sure enough all the evangelicals have fallen in line, they hate it, it's blasphemous, the movie sucks, etc. One thing about these people that always amazes me is their ability to do what they're told, without question, without fail. Whoever thought of this religion crap was a genius.

Am I the only person who notices that conservative Christians seem to believe everything they read? What the hell is the problem with you people? It's a novel, it's fiction, it's not true. It's called MAKE BELIEVE, just like that thing you do every night when you pray and pretend your life means something. Nobody thinks it's real but you. Dan Brown said the shit was made up, yet for some reason that's not good enough for you people. Every time there's a book or a movie about Jesus these people act like it's the end of the world when the truth is nobody notices but them. It's fucking lame and it takes up too much of the airwaves.

I like to play video games. But if a movie came out that characterizes all gamers as fat, ugly, evil psychopaths who like to saw off dead animal limbs and fuck each other up the ass with them you wouldn't see me on TV smashing a copy on the movie (maybe if I had some magic water to sell afterwards.) It's because I understand that a movie is just a movie, a book is just a book, and just because some asshole says something with a movie or a book doesn't mean it's true. I know that concept is hard for an Evangelical to understand, since their whole life is based on a book, the Bible (or rather, some rich carpetbagger's interpretation of the Bible that allows him to pilfer these poor saps out of their life savings.)

I know I shouldn't be complaining about people who believe the likes of Peter Popoff, Pat Robertson, or Focus on the Family, because if they had any brains in the first place these people would be out of jobs. But goddammit it's getting obscene.

Let us pray to God now:

"Oh Lord, the most super highest and asskicking of Lords, please give us the strength to lead your stray sheep back into the fold. Please come down with your mighty hand and give them all a backhand to the face, or break your holy foot off in their asses and make them your bitches. And God, ye who is the most highest of all Gods, but better than that, please help us to understand that these people are fucking stupid and help us to stop them from passing all their stupid-ass laws so they won't turn us into an evangelical fascist country. Perhaps you could pour forth from the vial of pestilence a little early, although we know you are saving that vial for the Apocalypse, so maybe just a few drops to give them a horrible venereal disease, or maybe a lot of zits? Or maybe Peter Popoff could wake up one day with a huge fat tick right on the end of his penis, you know, teach the sumbitch a lesson. Oh yeah and please God let there be a remake of Godzilla vs. King Kong without any GC. That would rule."