Monday, November 22, 2004

President Bush kicks ass in Chile

You guys heard this story yet, where Bush got all macho and forced his way through Chilean security to let in one of his bodyguards?

Well you're not getting the whole story.

I was there man, I saw the shit go down.

What really happened was the the Chilean dinner was really filled with terrorists. Ricardo Lagos got up to make a speech, when suddenly he ripped off this face mask like in Mission Impossible to reveal himself as evil-incarnate, Micheal Moore.

With a leg of mutton in one hand and a megaphone in the other, he shouted to his terrorist cohorts" "Let's kill this redneck S.O.B. once and for all!"

Suddenly all the guests tore off their disguises to reveal a rouge's gallery of anti-American terrorists and rouge leaders who support them, Osama, Zacahquari, Idi Amin, Kaddafi, Kim ll jung, the entire Axis of evil.

High on a podium Moore laughed out loud as he called for his naked slave boys. "Bring me my chili bucket so I may watch this execution with satisfaction!" He cried. Two naked boys brought out a 55 gallon drum full of chili and set it in front of the fat film maker. He proceeded to scoop it into his huge maw with both hands yet still maintained his grip on the mutton leg. I think he ate he megaphone.

Bush found himself caught in an evil-terrorist trap, with his secret service agents still outside held back by Chilean security.

"You tricked me Moore, you chili-cheese megaphone eatin' biatch!" Screamed Bush. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... ummm..."

"May we keel heem now, oh grithous leader?" Screamed Osama.

"Yes, please do." Moore spitted. "And bring me some goddammed donuts for crissakes."

After a few minutes of staring blankly at nothing, Bush realized he was in trouble. He tried to get Dick Chaney on the secret earpiece that was still in his coat since the debates but somehow Moore must have prepared for this, and all he got was Mexican Disco music. He knew he was gonna have to handle this on his own, So he whipped out his nunchucku and kicked some terrorist boo-tay.

If I had known Bush was a master at Kung-fu I would have voted for him in a second. Bush was like Bruce Lee, kicking ass and taking names while still shaking his bootie to the beat of Mexican dance music. It was like watching the greatest movie ever made, "Revenge of the Disco Godfther," all over again. For anyone who isn't hip to the asskicking stylings of Rudy Ray Mooore, I suggest you learn.

First up was Saddam Hussian, who managed to escape just thirty minutes before by pretending to be an illegal farm worker and getting deported to Chile. Bush grabbed his head and shoved it up his own ass, then bounced him like a human basketball and made a three pointer right into a Chilean public toilet.

Next Ossama tried to get crazy with an Ak-47, but Bush was too fast. He was dodging bullets like the in Matrix, doing all these crazy backflips and stuff, beating off tons of suicide bombers and Jihadist punks left and right. Then he grabbed a plate full of oysters and slung it like a holy missile with such force that it chopped off Osama's head, which flew through the air and landed in Micheal Moore's depth-charge sized drum of Chili. Moore proceeded to eat anyway.

Oassma's headless body hung on for a second and continued to fire the machine gun, blowing away Idi Amin and shooting Kim ll Jung in both knee caps right before he was about to hit Bush with a bowl full of eggrolls. Jung collapsed to the ground, holding his exposed and bleeding kneecaps, howling in pain. Osama's lifeless body finally fell to the floor. Spurts of blood splattered from his stump of a neck as his heart continued to pump for a few seconds. Some other terrorists had taken position on the second story balcony and were firing pot shots at the President. He picked up Kim and used him like a human shield whilst simultaneously grabbing Ossama's Ak-47 at a full run somersault executed with Olympic precision. Bullets ripped through the North Korean dictator's body while Bush charged them and returned fire with Osama's weapon.

"Ouch! Dat hurts! Let me go! I'm Solly! I'm Solly!" screamed Kim. Bush took out the scumbags on the second level, then coyly remarked "I'll let you go!" then promptly threw Kim through a second story window. Kim landed on a wrought iron gate around a plot of daisy's, but still managed to hang on in excruciating pain for a few more moments. Some papparatzi snapped pictures as he chocked on his own blood.

Zacquari and the president traded blows, but the Iraqi terrorist was no match for the Texan ranch owner former Governor. Bush whipped his ass like it was nobody's business, then did the five-fingered-exploding-heart technique. Zacqari tried to run away but after five steps his heard exploded through his chest. Surprisingly this was not enough to kill him right away and he whipped out a hidden 38 special and fired at Bush at point blank range. I thought it was all over, but after the smoke cleared I was floored when I found Bush CAUGHT THE BULLET IN HIS TEETH! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! He caught it in his teeth, chewed it up, and spit it out with such momentum that it tore Zaquari's body fully in half at the midsection, then Bush took Zacquari's own intestines and strangled him to death for the coup de' grace.

I thought the president was in trouble when I heard this rumbling and the animated corpses of the Ayatollah Komeni and Yassir Arafat burst through the wall. They were controlled by none other than Satan himself! That's right guys, Satan came up from hell with his two agents of evil to destroy God's instrument on Earth.

But I soon had nothing to worry about. Bush, with God on his side, delivered a holy ass-kicking straight from the Lord. He beat them off using his super crazy presidential kung-fu, then used Zaquari's intestines like a lasso and roped Komnei around the neck, then ran outside to a truck full of farm workers and tied it around the bumper, then threatened them with deportation. The ruse worked and they forgot they weren't in California yet and sped away, dragging Komeni's body until it fell apart. I think some stray dogs made off with his head.

Arafat posed no threat either. He tried to sucker punch Bush but the president was even faster, caught his punch like Steven Segal, tore his arm off, and used it to beat both him and Satan into submission. Then he got Satan in the illegal WWE Super-midget-sleeper hold and gave him noogies until he promised to go away.

Micheal Moore got away. We better pass Patriot act IV before it's too late. Who knows what evil plans he has in store for us.

It was an awesome blood-bath of presidential proportions. Damn the Liberal media for shutting off the cameras and hiding this story. We should revolt.

I swear to God this is all true. I was there.

Sunday, November 7, 2004

What the Fuck is wrong with you people?

George Bush got re-elected. Which one of you assholes made this happen? I am personally going to fly out and beat the shit out of each one of you.

I guess four years of fucking up our nation, destroying the environment, stripping away our rights, ruining our economy, and sending us careening screaming into the neo-con manufactured Apocalypse just isn't enough for you dickheads. Now I have to suffer through four more years pseudo moral majority bullshit while the fucking Evangelical Christians screw up the world even more.

Oh well. Despite the major allegations of voter fraud in Florida, Ohio, new Mexico, and elsewhere, it looks like the news media has bullshitted itself into believing Bush won this one fair and square. Like we should expect them to like, report the truth or something. And, as I am an American, I can admit defeat; for John Kerry that is. For the rest of us it's on like Donkey Kong.

Because to anyone with a brain it's pretty obvious that this whole thing is just a repeat of 2000. We have exit polls that are accurate in every county EXCEPT those that have the paperless electronic voter machines. We've been doing exit polls in this country for over 100 years, they just don't screw up for no reason. Exit polls are so accurate they are used as a judgment of voter fraud in the 3rd world for crying out loud. We have similar voter purges like what happened in Florida, except now in Ohio, Nevada, and New Mexico. In some of those states it's not even the law to deny ex-felons their voting rights, yet it happened anyway.

In Florida, some asshole made up flyers that said if you have an outstanding traffic ticket you'd be arrested at the polls. Other people spread more disinformation, one mass e-mail to new registrants claimed you'd need a driver's licence, birth certificate, and social security card to vote.

Greg Palast has undeniable proof that 4000 college kids were tricked into re-registering Republican at a phony address when what they thought they were signing was a petition to legalize medical marijuana. Even though he went to the authorities with names, addresses, copies of the registration forms, and letters from disenfranchised voters the cops in Florida refused to prosecute "for a few more weeks," i.e. until after the election.

It's fucking bullshit. And anyone who interprets this as a "mandate" has their head up their ass and deserves to be curbed. You got a problem with what I'm saying? Then bring it. Everything I'm saying is true and can be verified by a simple Google.

I knew this was going to happen, I told everyone out in Internet land this election was going to be stolen, I could link to several hundred bulletin board posts where I predicted this would happen. Now it has come to pass. I am right about everything. I should start my own psychic network.

What matters now is that all of us who didn't want this psychopath in office to continue to do what we've been doing, that is scream at those without brains who voted for that dumb fuck about why they are all stupid retarded bitches.

See, there's something at work here that most people either are not aware of, or are too stupid to comprehend- America as we know it is teetering on the brink. The progression of a nation state (and for that matter, civilization) is as follows: It's born in an explosion of myth, devolves into a militaristic fascist state, then ends up as a conquest state before either fading away or crumbling all together. Back in the olden days this cycle could take hundreds or even thousands of years. But like everything else in our society that moves at a lightning pace, so does the evolution and eventual fall of our nation.

like Ancient Rome, Egypt, England, Sumeria, etc, the birth of America has been canonized into myth. We have George Washington who cannot tell a lie, chopped down the cherry tree, the Boston Tea Party, Ben Franklin and the kite and key, all of that baloney that has become the stuff of myth. They are stories that we look back on to show how "pure" our nation is, regardless of the fact that none of those events actually happened the way we're told. No difference here than say Romulus and Remus being raised by a she wolf or Cadmus sowing dragon teeth.

Like Rome and Egypt, we have also devolved into a military state. The precise moment this happened is hard to pinpoint, but I would place it somewhere near the end of WWII and the beginning of the Cold War. Our "enemies" were numerous and Godless barbarians, who wanted to overrun and kill us simply for the fact that we exist. For a while we lived happily under this threat of mutually assured destruction.

But that's over with now. The Russians are not there to keep us in check anymore. There is no significant counterbalance to American expansionism, and as thus our nation has entered the final phase: The conquest state. America is at the forefront of several major world crisises- the world is running out of oil, a globalized economy threatens to bring back the feudal system, massive climate change is going to displace millions. Instead of emerging from the Cold War as benevolent victors who will bring civilization to the animals, we've become what we hate- a totalitarian dictatorship hell bent on world conquest. Make no mistake, America has to expand in order to survive.

Problem is we can't do it. We don't live in a dark world populated by barbarians and mongrels. We live in a modern, high technology world where the majority of the human race is literate, somewhat educated, and has access to instant communication and news media, and also highly destructive weaponry. The rest of the world is more informed than you are living in this country. They have media that actually tells the truth once in a while. Anyone who has ever left the Untied States and lived abroad knows how much better life in this country could be. It's goddammed embarrassing.
We cannot afford to take over the world. Two wars coupled with Bush's ridiculous ta cut for rich people have turned a once in a lifetime government surplus into the largest defecit in history ( 7.4 TRILLION dollars and counting, that's $7,400,000,000,000) That's the roof; our lawmakers in Washington are now looking for book keeping tricks to keep the government going. We cannot afford another war. We have the technology, but we don't have the money, we don't have the manpower, we don't have the economy. All you shitheads who think it's fine that we told the U.N. to go fuck themselves and went it alone, we cannot afford to do that anymore. WE HAVE NO CHOICE. We have to co-operate with the international community if we ever hope to catch Ossama Bin Laden (not like he has anything to do with anything anymore. He's been relegated to window dressing, so much so that he has to send us videotapes to remind us he exists. Nice fucking war on terror. What a load of horseshit.)

The thing is it doesn't have to be this way. We don't need to conquer other peoples and take their resources in order to survive anymore. This isn't the Roman Empire, we re not living in a world where if the walls are not manned 24-7 the barbarians are going to sack us. Nobody wants to kill us, they just want to make money. The people out there in the rest of the world still want to be our friends (for the most part,) no matter how many bombs our crazy president dropped in the last four years.

Yes, there are crazy people out there who need to be stopped. Yes we have to stop them. But the only way we can cripple international terrorism, break the backs of cruel rouge dictatorship states, stop the international drug trade and at the same time protect the environment, human rights, the rights of workers and poor people and still not implode when the oil peaks in ten years is by working together with those we don't like- the rest of the world. We need Europe, we need Asia. They need us. We aren't living in individual nation states anymore, we are living in a world community. Time to start acting like it.

And to the rest of you conservatives out there: This is all your fault. Good job assholes.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Four Assholes Who Are Famous But Shouldn't Be

( Note: When this list was posted it originally included Anna Nicole Smith among the perpetrators. Due to her sudden tragic death - which was not far from what I predicted - her entry has been removed on account that read in today's climate it's in extremely bad taste. I still think she was useless.)

There are some people out there who deserve fame and fortune. What most people don't realise is that it takes a lot of hard work to excel at your chosen field so much that you acquire celebrity status, be that acting, singing, entertainment,sports, or whatever. And the loving adoration of fans is the least we can do to appreciate the talents of such people.

However there are some out there who somehow have apparently managed to forgo the traditional road to fame and fortune, people who just happen to be rich and/or famous and nobody can remember how they got there. Be it through money, connections, or selling their soul to Satan, these people are a blight on the American celebrity subculture. They should all be destroyed, or worse, ignored until they go away.

I think Joan Rivers epitomizes what I'm talking about here. Who exactly is she again? What did she do to get famous? Was she an actress? Singer? Did she invent something? What exactly does she do? I think she had a talk show for about five minutes fifteen years ago. Now all she does is stand by while other disgusting rich people waddle their way into the oscars and comments on who's wearing the skimpiest clothing. Like if Kermit the Frog turned into an old Jewish woman, that's Joan Rivers.

First off anyone named "Paris" is a bitch, straight out. Second, what the hell did she do to get famous besides star in a badly done amateur porn video? The bitch doesn't even know how to give head decently and suddenly she's on every goddamn channel? So all you have to do to get your own TV show is be rich and play hide the salami with a camcorder in the room? A perfect example of the idle rich, a no-talent disgusting pseudo-aristocrat who uses her wealth and her body to get fame she couldn't acquire otherwise. No doubt soon she'll star in some stupid ass movie.

Another Stupid broad, who's claim to fame seems to be that she's smart as a box of rocks. How did it become an admirable thing to be a thick-headed nincompoop? Yeah she's hot as fuck, but one day Jessica Simpson is going to get old. Her boobs will droop, her ass will expand, her toes will yellow. Who's going to remember her then? She's a flash in the pan movie of the week, and frankly it's time to turn the channel. Fuck Jessica Simpson.

A goofy baldy-headed asshole, who just happens to have a gazillion dollars so for some reason that means he gets to be on the cover of people magazine every week. Yeah he's got more money than I'll ever see in my entire life, even on TV. Yeah he's probably done more cool and exciting shit and banged tons of hot chicks and will probably die fat and happy and content having done everything he's ever wanted. But that's no reason to be famous. He's not a singer, actor, entertainer, sports hero, writer, politician, or personality, in fact he doesn't have much of a personality. He's an investment banker. Wow, that's some exciting shit. You ever see Donald Trump try to read from a script? He might be rich, but that's all there is to him. He's an icon, the guy we poor people look at and think "If that dickhead and do it, so can I." But if being rich means I have to look like Donald Trump I'd rather stay poor. Look at his ass. he's a fucking robot. And goddammit ditch the toupee already, get some hair implants. You have a billion dollars, you can afford it.

Wednesday, August 4, 2004


Before I start out here, let it be known that I am not a super computer smarty. I read PC World, I read 2600, I read about computer shit on the internet on a daily basis. But I still manage to fuck my computer up from time to time.
So, yesterday I was fooling around on the internet whereupon I came across this list of task menu programs and what they mean. ( ) Reading down I see two items, IGFXTRAY and HKCMD, which are related to hotkey functions for Intel graphics chipsets. According to this website these were not needed to run at startup (and they were ok to remove,) and seeing how I've never used these particular hotkeys I thought it ok to remove them via msconfig from starting up automatically everytime you start the computer. So far, so good.
Then, everything went to hell. I got these crazy lines going through my screen, big black boxes, vertical grey columns, etc. My screen looked like shit. I assumed that putting everything back the way it was would fix the problem. It was 6:00 pm.
Five hours later and my screen was still fucked up. Here are some of the things I did (in no particular order) to try and rectify the problem:
1) I put the startup folder back the way it was
2) Manipulated the screen resolution, color depth, and hardware acceleration
3) Reinstalled the driver for my graphics card (ATI Radeon 9800 pro,) several times I might add.
4) Downloaded new drivers for the Radeon and installed those, also several times.
5) Changed about every setting there is for the graphics card, monitor, etc.
6) Rebooted in Safe mode, deleted the drivers, rebooted normally and installed them again via plug and play
7) Did the same as above but installed the drivers manually from the CD, then again manually from the download folder
8) Disabled the graphics card in device manager, rebooted, then enabled it again (this really screwed things up and lead to me having to reactivate Windows XP. Fucking Microsoft.)
9) Downloaded new drivers for the motherboard Intel graphics chipset
10) Switched monitors and switched to an old graphics card. Problem did not go away.
10) Loaded the shotgun and put it in my mouth, but the gun jammed.
11) Went on various tech forums and pleaded like a whiny bitch for someone with more computer smarts than me to see it in their heart to help me out.
By the time I had finished doing all this bullshit it was 3:30 A.M. I had just succeeded in wasting my whole day off. I was hungry, tired, and extremely pissed off. As far as I could tell from the internet was that the memory on the graphics card had somehow become corrupted, which blew ass because I didn't want to buy a whole new card just because I unchecked one little box in Msconfig. I tried to masturbate but I couldn't, just too damn angry I suppose (that was a first for me....) And through all of this shit, my screen still looked like this:
See those horizontal lines? That's actually a large improvement from how it originally looked.
So anyway, at 4:00 A.M. I finally gave up, went to sleep, and had dreams about torturing old lady midgets with a wooden cooking spoon. I woke up this morning refreshed, got myself this big caveman club with a nail in it, and prepared to scream at the computer all day again. I turned the shit on, and everything was back to normal.
All I had to do was turn the shit off, wait a few hours, and turn it back on. What the fuck? Who forgot to put that little detail in the manual? I just wasted my whole fucking day on this fucking computer, trying everything I possibly could to try and fix a problem that fixed itself in the middle of the night with no human intervention whatsoever? What the hell is going on here?
I've come to two conclusions, either (A) whoever designed this graphics card somehow put this in there as a practical joke, or (B) the ancient Cuthulu demon that inhabits my computer needs me to be close to it so it can suck out more of my soul energy and thus one day grow strong enough to free itself from it's binary prison. Or maybe it was the Tooth Fairy, or Santa Claus, or some fucking script kiddie who got past my firewall somehow, or God. Who knows. All I know now is that this computer is a piece of shit and I am going to build another one, without a graphics card from ATI. Maybe I'll get a Mac.
Fuck this computer.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Ten Things I Fucking Hate Part V

1) Junebugs: Those little yellow beetles that fly around and smack into things. These insects are proof enough that evolution is true; God would never design an organism so ugly, clumsy, or annoying.

2) People who have the "Calvin pissing" sticker on their cars: You are all thieves. Bill Watterson retired because assholes like you kept ripping him off. Now the Sunday funnies suck ass. Thanks motherfuckers.

3) Family Circus: Why is this fucking comic still in print? How many years have we been forced to view this mindless garbage? it's not funny, half the time it's some stupid observation of child behavior that anyone with kids wouldn't get (no less care about,) it doesn't make sense, the kids look like disgusting overweight deformed cabbage patch dolls with big-headed disease. It needs to end. We need to destroy it.

4) Girls who wear sweatpants outside: Nothing says "I give up" more than a pair of sweatpants. I know it's casual, comfortable wear for the up and up woman with a career and a home life too, I'm saying they make you look ugly. They do nothing to show off your ass, plus they make you look lazy. Put on a pair of jeans when you go outside.

5) Thin crust pizza: Man, if it ain't broke, then don't fix it. Thin crust pizza is fucking nasty, period. It's like eating soggy crackers.

6) Cowboys: What is this obsession with dressing up like Hopalong Cassidy? I wonder if in 1899 there was a whole sub-segment of the society who continued to dress in frilly coats, powdered wings, and shoes with buckles on them. This is the 21st century, get with the fucking program already.

7) Eggplant: There is no possible way to prepare this vegetable so it tastes good. There just isn't. Don't even try.

8) When the girl you love  marries somebody else: I am going to kill myself.

9) Hunters: All hunters are a bunch of wimps and pussies. There is nothing "sporting" about shooting a defenseless animal from a mile away with a high powered rifle. They're all fat stupid rednecks who all think they're fucking Davy Crockett. All you Elmer Fudd lookin' retards out there should be forced to use sharpened rocks, caveman style. Let's see how tough you are facing down a 500 pound Elk with bag of pebbles and a sling. And then they get all teary eyed when one of them ends up lunch for a black bear. Fuck'em, be a good lesson to the rest.

10) Having to say "sorry" whenever I accidentally brush up against another person: What the hell kind of society do we live in where if I even make the slightest contact with another human being's body, if I don't immediately apologize and back away, then somehow they think I'm some kind of child molester asshole or something? I'm NOT sorry I bumped into you, I did it on purpose. Your were in my way, try looking where you're going next time. This is a real pain in the neck when you do this to a chick, because then she suddenly thinks you're some kind of pervert and was trying to feel her ass or something. It's fucking bullshit, I have crap to do and if your fat ass is in the way that's not my problem. Fuck you and your personal space.

Saturday, July 3, 2004


(The reaction I got to this one was interesting, a few people choose this as an example of a Liberal blog post that advocated violence towards conservatives. You'll notice that nowhere in the post do I actually do that, except for the very last line which, if you are retarted and read it out of context, could reasonably be construed as advocating violence, but not really as it's only my personal opinion. Nowhere do I say "Go out and kill conservatives." Becasue killing people you don't agree with is something that only right wing nutjobs tend to do - abortion doctors anyone? When was the last time a leftist got busted for a hate crime? When was the last time a vegan neo-pagan femminist enviromental activist went out and murdered someone for political reasons? Name one example. You can't, becasue it doesn't happen. So you conservative people don't go trying to turn the shit around and say I'm advocating violence, because that's a load of shit. - MR)

Fuck these people.
You know what is wrong with this country? Everybody in it is a moron. We are a country that prides it's self on liberty, that is personal freedom. But while our forefathers had the idea that Liberty involved being able to own your own land, make your own rules, elect your own leaders, and work at your own ability to make something for yourself and your family, today people equate liberty with choosing not to wear a seat belt or smoke a cigarette in a hospital.
I didn't make that up, I heard it on the John Ziegler show, which to my dismay displaced Coast to Coast with George Noory at the 10 pm slot on KFI, home reactionary right talk radio (also called "the Rush Limbaugh network.") What the hell am I doing listening to John Ziegler, especially after the rant where I told him he blows ass so much? Because he's on at 10 pm after I get off of work. The radio station I usually listen to, KPFK (part of the Pacifica network, the one source of media left besides the internet that isn't totally overrun by right wing assholes or corporate dickheads with an agenda) usually plays music at this time. While most of the time it's good music, it is still music none the less. I like talk radio, it's nice to think about shit while driving. The choices in my particular area are rather slim for talk radio at 10pm, and while John Ziegler is nothing more than a dancing monkey that parrots out the usual celebrity "news" bullshit, at least it's something to digest.
So this quote gets me thinking about the conservative mindset, and it didn't take very long to equate what we call the average American conservative to what fifty years ago we called "Fascists." Yes, I know there are internet rules about losing arugments when one party calls the other a facist. Fuck that, I'm doing it anyway.
What were the goals of European Fascism circa WWII? How many of fascism's goals have parallels in today's conservative organizations? (You notice I don't say "Republicans" specifically, because a lot of the Democrats are just as bad. The Republicans are just more verbal about it.) Let's name a few:
1) Total domination of the Government by the military: Anyone who cuts military spending is branded a traitor who is "Against our troops." Never mind that even when we weren't fighting two wars at once military spending was still the largest expenditure of our tax dollars, next to social security that is. You know how much we have spent on the military since WWII? Over fifteen trillion dollars. That's :
Fifteen trillion dollars is what it took to bankrupt the Soviets and get rid of Communism. It's also more than the sum total of EVERYTHING in the United States and it's territories. That means all the houses, roads, cities, factories, fanny packs, computers, coffee mugs, paychecks, retirement plans, Nintendo Gameboys, and everything else in the country for the last 50 years could be bought with that much dough. All this cash spent on building tanks, bombs, nuclear missiles, atomic submarines, and all this other shit that didn't matter when 20 psychopaths rendered all that technology useless and managed to fuck us up more than anyone else since Peal Harbor with some $5.99 box cutters and a few plane tickets. What the fuck are these assholes doing with all that money? Why the hell are we still giving it to them?
But will you ever see a conservative even think for a second that all this ridiculous spending just might be unjustified? No way, because it's not about defense, or "homeland security," it's about domination. Domination of the citizens of this country and every other country on the entire planet, just like Hitler wanted. It always has been. It makes my fucking head hurt.
2) Total domination of the citizen by the government: The code word for this is "security," i.e. we need the ability to hunt down those who would do us harm and stop them before they kill us. See, in America everyone is scared shitless of dying, be it from acid rain, Satan worshipers, computer hackers, SARS, gangbangers or terrorists. We have here what is called "the monster of the week," that horrible unknown, unspeakable agent of evil whose only goal is to destroy us utterly and everything we stand for. For a few short weeks after 9-11 it seemed like people started thinking beyond this baloney, but it only took a little while for terrorism to become the latest monster of the week. Now terrorism is nothing more than an excuse to strip away just a little bit more of your Constitutional rights. See, they don't take it away in huge chunks because that would be too obvious; They create the conditions whereupon you will consent to your rights being removed little by little until there is nothing left. Because when there are scary Islamo-terrorists armed with Iraqi chemical weapons it might be prudent to burst down the door without a warrant.
Sound familiar? It's because the same bullshit was pulled by Hitler: Create a crisis, inflate the sense of patriotic identity that most people naturally feel about the country they love, find a scapegoat to blame it on, and then the people will make you a demi-god and you will rule them for life. Hitler choose Jews to persecute. Used to be Communists here, now it's terrorists. Same old story.
3) Destruction of any kind of Public assistance net: Why? Because you can't keep people out fighting wars when they're too concerned about the poor people back home. Besides who the hell wants to spend their money helping smelly homeless people when there's bombs to build and tanks to manufacture? You fool the people into thinking that "big government" is evil, cut all the funding to education (can't have people thinking for themselves,) stop all assistance to poor ghetto children and people in wheelchairs, get rid of any costly regulations that stop people from dumping toxic waste where ever they feel like it, then you take that collective anger and focus it at your enemy, which today seems to be whichever country has the most oil. People don't want to kill strangers that can do them no harm when life back home is too easy- you have to keep them terrified on a constant basis, living one step above abject poverty, and willing to risk their lives to get something better for themselves. In the meantime you get to run away with all the moola. Don't tell me this isn't what happened in Nazi Germany because it did, it's the model all dictatorships follow. Turn the people against themselves and they will have nobody but you to "protect" them. That's homeland security in a nutshell.
4) Encourage Religion and where possible integrate it with civic duty: I am just going to come out and say it: Religion is bullshit. It always has been and always will be. Does this mean that I'm some kind of soulless atheist commie bastard with no regard for human life? Nope, it just means that religion has no place in the public life and workings of a government for sophisticated educated people in the 21st century. You can believe all that invisible man shit if you want, fine with me. But keep it the fuck out of the courthouse, out of congress, out of the White House, and off of my money. Now that you know my opinion...
The relationship between religion and tyranny is simple: Keep the people in the church on their knees and they will never think with their heads. A god that preaches love is the best tool to use to get those same people to kill others they don't even know. Besides, it'll keep people used to the idea of an authority figure that must be submitted to in every way possible. What the TV preachers fail to recognize is that the Islamo-terrorists are very religious people too, and it is precisely because of this religious fervor that they carry out their destruction with such zealous abandonment. How different is blowing yourself up in an Israeli disco from sending your life savings to Pat Robertson or sending your kid to a "reprogramming center?" Not very large in my opinion; both are actions done by desperate people fooled by those who they think will save them.
Besides, every dictator needs an army willing do fight to the death. Hitler encouraged religion too.
5) Take any restrictions off the corporations back home: The collaboration between the Nazi Party and big businesses like Dupont, Ford, Chrysler, Berretta, etc. are all well documented. Bombers were instructed not to hit certain buildings in Germany as they were owned by said companies; before long people started using them as air raid shelters because they knew they would be safe there. These were American companies that were doing business arming the Nazis, but at the end of the war instead of being sued out of existence like traitors, our Government paid them repatriations for damages inflicted upon their holdings in Germany. Ford got 31 million dollars at the end of the war, Chrysler got 18 million. When I first heard this I couldn't fucking believe it, but it's true. Look it up.
Why the big cozy mutual anal plunging between fascism and big business? Why would a government that is interested in total control relinquish that control when it comes to the means of production? Because if you ally yourselves with the Capitalists then you get access to the capital. I'm not saying this because I'm some kind of commie tree hugger that wants to get rid of all personal property; I am a firm believer in the free market, but I recognize that sometimes the free market isn't so free.
So you remove any government oversight to the corporations that fund your elections and let them run wild, and they will guarantee their support to you when the shit hits the fan, say like, oh I don't know, helping you steal an election *cough* FOX *cough*. It's a deal with the devil that goes back all the way to the civil war, and it needs to end. But I never see any of the conservative element in the pathetic monstrosity that passes for our political discourse say a nary word against corporate intrests. That's because our politicians were bought and paid for long ago people. It's not the land of the free anymore, it's the land of the free lunch for Microsoft, Walmart, Monsanto, and the Carlyle group.
Now before you all stereotype me as some stoned out nutcase who works a shitty job and is jealous of the rich people (which is a pretty good assessment I'd say, except you left out that I masturbate three times a day) keep in mind that in it's own way the radical left is just as fucked up as the right. The difference is that Greenpeace, the ACLU, the Green Party, the Industrial Workers of the World, or L.A.B. (Lesbians Against Bush) don't have the bazillions of dollars, the control of the major media, the access to vast sums of capital and resources, or tons of political clout that say Concerned Women for America, the Christian coalition, the Heritage foundation, The American Center for law and justice, or the G.O.P. have. They also for the most part do not have the same kind (or amount) of corporate money flowing into them. Don't believe me? Here's a list of corporate backers of the Cato Institute, a lobbyist organization who's main goal is the privatization of government services, social security in particular:
Philip Morris, R.J. Reynolds, Bell Atlantic Network Services, BellSouth Corporation, Digital Equipment Corporation, GTE Corporation, Microsoft Corp- oration, Netscape Communications Corporation, NYNEX Corporation, Sun Microsystems, Viacom International, American Express, Chase Manhattan Bank, Chemical Bank, Citicorp/Citibank, Commonwealth Fund, Prudential Securities and Salomon Brothers. Energy conglomerates include: Chevron Companies, Exxon Company, Shell Oil Company and Tenneco Gas, as well as the American Petroleum Institute, Amoco Foundation and Atlantic Richfield Foundation. Cato's pharmaceutical donors include Eli Lilly & Company, Merck & Company and Pfizer, Inc.
Yup, backed by the same people who would take control of said privatized government services, the deal with the devil hand in hand with the carrot and the stick to our politicians stressed for re-election funds. Imagine if Microsoft ran the schools, or R.J. Reynolds ran Medicare, or Enron ran Social Security? And these are the people that are fucking making it happen, the RIGHT, NOT THE LEFT. Our country is so goddamed corrupt it makes me want to let out a huge fart. I just did anyway.
The left is corrupt, disorganized, and for the most part so full of shit and disassociated with the mainstream that they can no longer act as a viable counterbalance to the fascists on the right who are taking over the country. A quick read up on history shows that the left never really had a chance in the first place. We can't count on them any longer to slow the progression of our country turning into a police state. They are too busy keeping their heads in their asses.
Wake up people, time to start taking the country back. We can have free markets, personal freedom, and peaceful world devoid of war and terrorism and at the same time protect worker's rights, jobs, the environment, civil liberties, etc. These things are not mutually exclusive. But it's going to take some concessions from both sides. Its' going to take not just cooperation between our two political parties, it's going to take us purging the criminal filth from our politics and institutions to make it happen. It's going to take your lazy ass to quit complaining, get up off the bed, turn off Mario Sunshine, and go out there and vote. In 2000 less than half of the citizens in this country bothered to vote, and look what happened. What the fuck is wrong with you people?
I personally think we should just kill them all.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Reagan is Dead, finally.

You know, I'm getting pretty sick and tired over all the hubub about Ronald Reagan. When he first expired two weeks ago and everyone in the world started kissing his ass, I didn't say anything because I knew that was only a natural reaction. The man was the president after all, and even though I personally didn't think he was a good president he still deserved some respect. And so all throughout the bullshit of "Reagan week" I held my tongue, didn't bring up any of the gripes I had with the ex-president's politics, because lots of people were in mourning (although I don't know why, it's not like the 30,000 people who viewed his coffin knew him personally or anything,) and I know that the death of a beloved former president is a stroke to the nation's collective sense of self identity or some other bullshit like that. So when everybody and their mother couldn't shut up about what a great man he was I didn't complain, I didn't bring up the Iran-Contra scandal or Reagan's shutting down of the mental institutions in California and creating a whole subclass of homeless insane people, because I knew that most of these people were just talking out of their asses and it would be no different than if Carter or Ford died. Let the people express their sadness, no matter how misguided I think it is. Besides, a funeral is about the man and not his politics. Being the president is a very hard job, and I'm sure anyone would make mistakes. Even a Looney Liberal like me can recognize a good leader when I see one. Who am I to judge anyway.

But it's been about two weeks, and people won't shut the hell up about Reagan. He's on the front of the newspaper every fucking day. The nightly news seems to have a new daily segment where they "remember the life of Reagan." Every politician with a brain has tried to jump on the bandwagon, hoping some of the dead president's charisma will rub off on them. I've recently read an article written by Pat Buchanan comparing Ronald Reagan to George Washington, Abe Lincoln, or FDR. Bush is relishing in the three percentage points Reagan's death has given him and has taken to mentioning his name in every speech (too bad for him Reagan didn't die the week before the election.) Lets not forget the TV preachers, the reactionary talk show hosts, the bozos out there in internet land with who run the republican blogs where I go to make fun of people, and every other conservative wackjob tow-the-line parrot motherfucker in the goddamned country who is just too fucked up to let Reagan die in peace.

It has to end people, he's not coming back. HE'S DEAD. He died and is buried and is gone, not without a little personal agitation on my part I might add. I just happen to live in the town where Reagan was buried. Reagan just happened to die two days before the day I reserved two weeks in advance to go talk to a guidance counselor at my college, and when I get there, I find the school has been shut down and turned into a parking lot for people to go view the casket, thereby fucking up my plans and forcing me to reschedule and wait another two weeks. Three days later I was over four hours late to work, the reason being traffic was congested because everyone had lined the streets to watch Reagan's funeral procession. It took me four hours to drive a normally less than half hour commute. I'm sure Ronald Reagan didn't die just to fuck up my week, and if he was alive I'm sure he would apologize for it, but still, they could have airlifted him in by helicopter or something. Don't these people think about this stuff before they plan this crap?

Looking at the people lined up to get a glimpse of Reagan's casket nearly made me projectile vomit out of every major orifice. Every fat bloated elephant seal-looking redneck from here to Orange county sitting on the street eating hot dogs and yelling at their kids, I counted fifteen green plastic card-dealer visors on one block alone. It was obscene. Here's your moral majority twenty years later, a thousand morbidly obese sweaty white people scared to death of gangbangers, terrorists, hackers, and columbine school shootings, stuffed into goofy ass fanny packs, drinking gallons of Vons generic soda and crying. Why they were crying I don't know. Maybe at night Ron donned some Spiderman underoos and went out to fight crime, save babies from burning buildings, and beat up commies, and now that he's gone we don't have anymore vigilante superheroes to defend the weak and helpless. I know these people weren't crying over Reagan's invasion of Grenada, the savings and loan scandal, Reagan's media deregulation policies that turned a once fair handed media into a right vs. far-right load of commercialized PR bullshit, Reagan's sending of state troopers to put down protests against raising college tuitions, his ratting out of suspected communists in Hollywood during the McCarthy era, or that the star of Cowboy from Brooklyn was dead. Maybe Reagan owed some of them money.

Thank God it's over. Thank God he's in the ground so we can all forget the 80's ever happened and get on with fixing all the bullshit that Reagan and his protégé neo-cons have fucked up since then. To be fair I was a small child in the 1980s and so don't have a very objective view of the Reagan administration. All I remember from personal experience is that people used to dress up like him on Halloween. Mad Magazine had a pretty good caricature of him. I do remember one Saturday night live sketch where he threatens to kill Jimmy Carter for butting his nose in around Iran Contra. What I mean is even back then the impression I got was that Reagan was a joke, and even a ten year old could understand that to get rid of poverty it made no sense to give all the money to the rich people.

So yeas, Reagan was probably a great man, and did a good job at helping to end the cold war (something everybody seems to bring up, but they all tend to think that somehow Reagan did it single handedly. Gorbahcev, the Pope, and the people who ousted the Communists from Poland, Hungary, Romania, East Germany, and Bulgaria deserve some of that credit as well.) Also, not all of his policies tended to shank the middle class with the spikey dildo, although it seems hard to find one that didn't. But he was just a man. You conservatives out there are treating Ronald Reagan like he's Jesus or something, like somehow he's going to come back from the grave and save the soul of the GOP from fucking over the country during the last three years. All I know is that in 2000, there was no war, the economy was great, we had a surplus for the first time in twenty years, everybody was happy and content worrying about the usual stupid bullshit we Americans defend to the death worrying about. One reactionary president and four years later the country is broke, in a major deficit, and altogether fucked up, the economy is in the fucking toilet, and we have two wars going on at once and are losing both of them. Reagan's death, which should have been something that would bring people together to fix what's wrong with our country (partially due to him I might add) has turned into the usual American media bullshit story designed to tear your attention away from what's really happening in the world, just like O.J., Michael fucking Jackson, or Scott Peterson. It's become entertainment for jackasses with nothing else to talk about.

We have psychopaths crashing planes into buildings here people, we have a government that thinks the best way to stop them is to invade a country that had nothing to do with them, we have an attorney general who's such a tight ass he can't stand nude statues in front of his office deciding who gets thrown in jail, we have a president that's shutting down health clinics so he can drop more bombs on innocent people. We have shit that matters to worry about now. Let Reagan die in peace, if he were alive right now I think he'd be pissed off over the mess we made of his country. Time to let the Gipper go.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Ten Things I Fucking Hate Part IV

1) Cheesy poofs: Disgusting artificial chemical bullshit, made out of God knows what. It's like eating Styrofoam packing peanuts covered in shit flavored volcanic ash. These things should be outlawed.

2) Doritos: THE most disgusting snack food on the face of the Earth. What the fuck does Dorito mean anyway?

3) People who try to bring back the 80's: Nowhere else in the history of time was there an period more embarrassing than the 1980s. As I was only a small child for the majority of the 80s I can be forgiven for living through it. The only good thing to come out of the 80's was Super Mario, and He-man. Everything else bites. The 80's was the decade that deserved to die.

4) Old People: I know I've mentioned this before, but lately it seems I've been assaulted by old people left and right. The other day an old lady yelled at me for changing a head light in a do-it-yourself car wash. I had never bitched out an old person before, but now that I've done it I must admit it was rather enjoyable. I'm going to make yelling at old people a regular habit.

5) Morons who keep dangerous animals and then get all pissy when they get their faces mauled: How many times have you heard about some idiot keeping a Bengal tiger in his apartment getting his arm torn off? It's a wild animal you fuckhead, What the hell did you expect? If you keep a huge animal that could devour you in a minute in a small confined space for an unnatural amount of time you should expect it to take a bite out of you once in a while. Like that asshole Sigfreid in Las Vegas who hit his performing tiger in the head with the microphone, and then everyone got all sad when it played mangle the meat melon with his head. If the tiger was in a fucking Zoo (or better yet, in the wild where it belongs) Sigfreid would not be a faceless freak today. This includes dickheads who keep poisonous tarantulas, scorpions, boa constrictors, whatever. They all deserve to become lunch. Fucking idiots.

6) Girls who honk when the laugh: You know what I'm talking about; she starts giggling uncontrollably, stiffens up, then "HOOONNNK!" It's not funny, it's annoying.

7) Fags who think they're tough because they drive big-ass trucks: Oh you drive a big huge penis mobile, so now I'm supposed to be scared of you? Fuck you and your truck. You have no reason to drive a gigantic monstrosity like that unless you use it to haul lumber or furniture or something. The fact that you need a monstrous vehicle to booster your self esteem shows how small your penis actually is. Gas here in Los Angles is currently $2.39 a gallon, so it's a subtle form of revenge to know that these assholes are spending over 40 bucks to fill up their dick mobiles. Fuck them.

8) Stop smoking ads: Yes, I know it's going to kill me. I don't need a TV ad to tell me to quit. One day I will, at the moment I already eat healthy and work out and shit. One fucking thing at a time. In the mean time just shut the hell up already.

9) People who wear sandals outside: What are you fucking Jesus or something? Nobody wants to look at your dirty ass feet. Hot chicks can get away with this because hot chicks can get away with anything. The rest of you have dirty, smelly, crusty, vomit inducing feet that are best left covered up. I hate sandals so much just let out a huge fart.

10) Tow truck drivers: I swear, God please kill all these assholes, please, I beg of you. I promise to stop making fun of Christians on the internet for one whole month if you strike all the tow truck drivers down with the plague or something. There is some background to this story: Last week my brother parked my other car near (not in, mind you) a tow away zone. I went to the scene, I saw the signs, the signs clearly marked where the tow away zone began and where it ended. But the greedy money-grubbing bastards towed my fucking car anyway. I had to drive sixty fucking miles, show up late to work, and pay $150 IN CASH to get the fucking thing out. And what do I find when I get there? Some asshole playing rainbow six on a PS2. I drove all the fuck way down here because over the phone you told me you were to "busy" to take my credit card to find your ass playing a fucking video game? I am going to kill them all, that's all there is to it. I am personally going to get a baseball bat with a nail in it and knock the brains out of every tow truck driver in the whole world. While I'm at it I'm going to kill their families, and all their friends, and everyone whoever knew them. Fuck all of them.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Americans are Assholes

I received this letter in an E-mail. Apparently it was an editorial out of a Tampa Newspaper. Read on:
IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom. We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great American freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.
If you agree -- pass this along; if you don't agree -- delete it!

My god, you can almost hear the Star Spangled banner playing in the background. Particularly liked how the letter ends with "amen," like he's praying to God and insulting foreigners at the same time.
Before you all start calling me names and telling me to "love it or leave it," let it be known that I like to think of myself as a Patriotic citizen. I say "like to think of myself" and not "I am" because if being patriotic means I have to sound like this piece of shit then count me out. Seems to me though that a lot of people tend to have this same arrogant attitude when it comes to patriotism, the idea that our culture and language is somehow inseparable from our national identity. Well that's just not how it is.
First off, you don't have to speak a specific language, live a specific way, or believe in a specific religion to be a citizen of any country, let alone ours. You could speak Swahili, dress in traditional Hungarian wedding attire, and believe in sun worship and still be an American citizen. The fact that English is the "official" language is irrelevant. Doesn't mean that if you don't speak it you aren't entitled to the same rights as any other citizen. Just means that you need an interpreter when you go to the drive-thru.
I could be wrong here, but it seems to me that other people from other cultures bringing the best of what their native lands have to offer is what makes this country great. Is it just not like that anymore? What happened to "bring us your poor" and all the other bullshit it says on the Statue of liberty?
Last time I checked Christianity was not the "official" religion either. In fact, regardless of the bullshit out Reactionary president tried to pull over the last three years, I seem to remember something about a separation of church and state here in America.
"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."
Bullshit. Anyone who's studied past seventh grade history knows that the founding fathers didn't give a shit about anyone but themselves. They didn't fucking care about women, or Indians, or slaves, or children working in factories. They didn't give a fuck about spreading small pox through the indigenous native population or killing any of them who got in the way of Manifest Destiny. What they did care about was money, i.e. no taxation without representation. They cared about taxes, and the Stamp act, and keeping standing armies in time of peace (all things the present federal government does without a second thought, or a hint of criticism I might add.) I also think that it's pretty ironic that our "National Motto," as this person puts it, just happens to be written on the $1 bill, a unit of money. If that doesn't say something about this country then I don't know what does. Am I some kind of rabid anti-patriotic Uncle Sam hater? No, I'm just trying to put this shit into perspective for you all. When was the last time that ANYONE in the history of the United States who has been in a position of power gave a fuck about people more than money? Can you name one person? Thomas Jefferson maybe? Seems to me a lot of the crap the founding fathers did tended to be very contrary to basic Christian principles, like counting black people as 3/4ths of a human being or killing entire nations of Indians. And frankly, the Founding fathers are DEAD now. It is not their country anymore, it's ours. Who gives a fuck what they believed in. What matters now is what WE believe in, what WE do, and how WE act towards each other. What the Founding Father's intent was counts for jack shit.
Also, since we live in a multicultural society, then it is our job, as the citizens, not theirs, as the immigrants, to adapt. Yes, they should learn to speak, read, and write in English, simply because it's the language everyone uses. That's a no-brainer. They should also learn the laws and basic cultural norms, like it's not okay to eat dogs and cats here. The thing is they do already.
Have any of you ever taken a look at the test they give you when you sign up to be a citizen? I'll bet ten to one 90% of you couldn't pass it on your first try. That test is fucking hard. Half the shit they don't even mention in our pathetic schools anymore. See, what all these anti-immigration assholes forget is that people who relocate their lives to this country usually go through a lot more shit than you ever will to come here. Yeah, it might be easy if you're from Canada or the UK. But if you're from anywhere else, say a country we are not particularly friendly towards in regards to immigrants (like Mexico, China, or any country in Africa or the Middle East,) it is practically impossible. You will probably work your ass off for years just to get the dough for the trip over. You'll go through tons and tons of red-tape baloney just to get your foot in the door. You'll have to leave your family and friends and probably not see any of them again for years at a time. And this is only if you're trying to do it the right way, which short of being a millionaire or having friends is high places is fucking impossible. For the rest that means sneaking over the border, crawling over barbed wire fence, dodging redneck patrols and attack dogs, or if you're from the Orient sealing yourself in a cargo container for weeks at a time, perhaps turning yourself into an indentured slave and living in fear of both the authorities AND the triads. People go through all this shit and more, because they want to come here. They come here because they can make more money picking strawberries and washing dishes than with a college education in their own countries. They come here because despite all the faults, our country is still one of the few places left where you can make something of yourself. They go through a living hell to come here and make life better for themselves and their families, and then this asshole has the audacity to tell them to "adapt."
People like this piece of garbage just do not realise how good we actually have it here in this country. You don't have to go that far away to see the difference between here and the rest of the world. Just take a trip down to Tijuana for a weekend, take note of the conditions of the roads, notice how you get the punjaba runs if you drink the water, try to find a public toilet that isn't spawned from the ninth circle of bacteria hell. No fucking wonder so many people risk their lives to come here.
Note to anyone who has never left the United States: The rest of the world thinks all of America has it's head up it's ass. They don't hate us because "We're the land of the free," they don't want to kill us because of "Our freedoms," they just see it like it is, that Americans for the most part are lazy, arrogant, free-loading Assholes who don't know how good they've got it and who can't shut the fuck up for five minutes, and who keep sticking their noses where they don't belong, namely other country's natural resources. People like the dipshit who wrote this letter just prove them right.
And no, Mr. Patriotic, I am not going to leave. Because most of the people in this country (the ones who don't act like you) are generally hard working, intelligent, and care about more than themselves. I find that if I just avoid the dickheads with the cowboy hats and bibles then usually I have a good day. It is my sincere hope that as more and more people come here from around the world people like the author of this letter will find themselves an endangered species. Maybe one day the Mexicans will just breed them out. I know it's not going to happen in my lifetime, but a man can hope. So until that day I suppose I will just have to "delete it."

Saturday, April 24, 2004

I Used To Give A Shit

You know, I used to care about a lot of things. But now I realize how the universe really works. See, it really doesn't matter what you do, say, how you act, what kind of clothes you wear or how you spend your time. Because really you're not effecting anything else out there to any significant degree.
Most people out there like to think that they are important, at least to some degree. Even the most pathetic waste of human resources in the world, a man with no life, goals, or ambition, who works at a shitty job, picks his nose habitually, and masturbates to naked pictures of total strangers on the Internet (me for example,) even a sorry sack of rodent urine like that has somewhere, locked in the back of the loser subconscious, the idea that in some way he is an important person and that his life has some meaning, some reason, that somehow he might be part of some grander scheme in the mechanical workings of the universe, like maybe he's got some important task to accomplish before he dies, and that he wouldn't be here if that wasn't so. Well I'm sorry to break it to you people (actually, I'm not sorry) but that's total bullshit.
Here, let me put your existence into perspective:
What you are looking at is a picture of a Galaxy, one very similar to our own. We do not have pictures of our own galaxy because it is very big, and it would take a long time to get a camera out far enough to get everyone into the picture. Anyway, most people look at this picture and say "It's a galaxy. Big deal." You have no idea what you are looking at. This thing in this picture is so immensely huge, so incredibly large, so unbelievably mind boggelingly gigantic, that you could never, ever, ever even comprehend how big it is. And to get it into a picture means that it is so incredibly super-duper far away that you could never walk there in a bazillion years. You couldn't fly there, you couldn't take a taxi there, you couldn't even make a phone call there. This galaxy is beyond you in every way possible. There are so many stars in it that you could never count them all in your lifetime. This here is a picture of infinity, and you, as a human being, cannot identify with it, cope with it, or understand it, let alone that half of the blurry dots in the background are also galaxies, each as astronomically immense and a billion times further away than this one. Don't even try.
So maybe you noticed the "You are here" sign in the corner. I made it point at that particular spot because in our own galaxy that's where our solar system is supposed to be. But I suppose it really doesn't matter since the whole thing is beyond my comprehension. I truly cannot comprehend that I am a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot in a universe so vast that that to even look at a photograph of one galaxy out of trillions is beyond my feeble mental capacity. So, like everyone else in the world, I just bullshit myself. Take this little quiz to see if you bullshit yourself to keep from feeling insignificant too:
The "I bullshit myself to feel important" test.
Directions: Print this test, then answer yes or no to any of the following questions. Then, smack yourself in the head because it's a bullshit test and you just wasted printer ink. Why the fuck do printer cartridges cost so damn much? Fuck Hewlett Packard.
1) I am an important person because I have a job that's important and affects the lives of other people. I have responsibilities.
2) I am important because I have a family to take care of or friends that love me.
3) I am important because I am going to do something that is going to alter history.
4) I am important because I am an individual and by definition have a unique life and perspective on everything that nobody else has.
5) I am important because I have a cause and a message that will make the world a better place.
6) I am important because God has a plan for me and I wouldn't have been born otherwise.
If you answered "yes" to any of those questions you have just failed the test. Don't feel bad, it was a bullshit test in the first place. It really doesn't matter. Let me explain why you all just failed and are guilty, along with 99% of the rest of the human race, of bullshitting yourselves.
Here is the answer key:
1) I am an important person because I have a job that's important and affects the lives of other people. I have responsibilities. -Bullshit. Your job does not make you important. Unless you truly possess some kind of super secret knowledge that nobody else in the world has (like say how to turn lead into gold or make the "12:00" on a VCR stop blinking) then chances are somebody else with the same kind of training and education could do your job with no problem. There are maybe three people in the world that fall under this category and I know who they are:
1) Some nameless nobody somewhere in the Microsoft corporate hierarchy who actually does all the work.
2) Some asshole in a smoky back room somewhere who controls the world economy.
3) Whatever dickhead locked away in a secret room in the middle of the earth who lives off of doughnuts and fried pork rinds who actually controls world politics from an outdated Macintosh personal computer circa 1985.
I Know the above people exist because without them nothing in the world makes sense. Anyone who is not them (like say, the other 5,999,999,997 people on the Earth, including the seven or so on the international space station) have jobs that are transitory, at best. Some day they will quit or retire and somebody else will take over. This includes heart surgeons, air traffic controllers, and the President of the United States. Your job means two things: Jack and Shit. Get over it already.
2) I am important because I have a family to take care of or friends that love me. -Bullshit. Everybody has a fucking family. Everybody has fucking friends. Even all you people out there who say "I ain't got no friends," yes you too. If you don't have any friends try turning off Diablo II and going outside once in a while. Thus if everybody has them then they cannot make you important. Don't try to argue, you're just lying to yourself.
3) I am important because I am going to do something that is going to alter history. -Bullshit. When was the last time this actually happened? I can't name one person alive today that has done something to alter history. Maybe whoever first put porn up on the internet, but I'm sure whoever that is has died by now. Nothing you do short of inventing a teleportation device, warp drive, or discovering a new source of free, clean, renewable energy is going to change the world. And you're not suddenly going to come up with the secret of life while eating at McDonalds one day. "Yeah, I want a six piece chicken McNuggets, a large fries, and OH SHIT I'VE DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF LIFE!" Just accept that you're worthless, like everybody else. You'll feel much better that way.
4) I am important because I am an individual and by definition have a unique life and perspective on everything that nobody else has. -Bullshit. Nobody gives a shit about your stupid perspective on life. What are you fucking Socrates? Shut the hell up before you say something intelligent. Let me remind you how many people there are in the world: Six billion. That's 6,000,000,000 different unique individuals with unique perspectives on life, compared to your "1." So clamp your fucking shit trap Mr. Touchy-feely-feel-good-to-act-like-a-pussy man. Asshole.
5) I am important because I have a cause and a message that will make the world a better place. -Bullshit. Your cause doesn't matter. In the grand scheme of things nothing that happens on this tiny flea-speck of a planet is going to effect the universe in any significant way. You wanna save the whales? You wanna recycle those cans? You wanna save the rainforest? The rest of the universe could give a shit if the whales live or die, of if the tin cans pile up into an artificial island, or if all the rainforest on Earth were chopped down to make room for Starbucks stores and strip malls. The rest of the universe wouldn't even notice it if suddenly our entire galaxy just exploded for no reason. It wouldn't even register a tic on the cosmic Richter scale.
Maybe you think that your message is somehow special, and that by getting it out you're somehow going to change the world for the betterment of mankind for thousands of years. Yeah, I remember the last person to say that: Adolph Hitler.
6) I am important because God has a plan for me and I wouldn't have been born otherwise. -Bullshit. If you somehow are essential to the cosmic scheme of things then what about the rest of the six billion people in the world? What's their job? How do they figure into this plan that is some overwhelmingly complex yet rests solely on your participation in it? Does that mean that if I were to suddenly throw a live chainsaw through your window and chop you in half while you were taking a shit that suddenly, I, a lowly mortal, have just fucked up God's divine plan? What if you accidentally choke on a chicken bone? Would God be so short sighted to expend the resources of billions of years to to create the universe, spurn the creation of life, and the eventual evolution of man just so YOU could be born, just to have all that immense time and energy go to waste when you die horribly gasping for air as a wishbone from your Tyson TV dinner slowly cuts off your esophagus? What if you're a loser and don't amount to much, and you spend your time watching soap operas and masturbating in Andy Gumps at monster truck rallies? Is that part of the plan too? Bullshit, there is no plan, and if there is it's so overwhelmingly complex that you can't understand it, kind of like that picture of the galaxy back there. Thus the plan is meaningless and should have absolutely no bearing on your decision making process. If it does, then there's a word for people like you: Stupid.
So what the fuck does this all mean? It means I don't give a shit about you anymore. I'm not important, you're not important. Nothing you or I do really matters. The only difference is that when I spank my chicken I call it masturbation, when you do it you call it life.
In case any of you forgot:

Friday, April 9, 2004

Fuck the MPAA - You will never destroy P2P

I am an avid user of Peer to Peer networks, namely Emule. I am a P2P whore. I used to have a ridiculous number of downloads going at once, so much that I had to shut it off while surfing because it sucked too much bandwidth and made my browser too slow. I had access to tons of rare and weird music and movies that I'd never seen in a store before. Life was grand for a while.

So when I heard of the MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America) and the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) took on this crusade to kill P2P networking I really wasn't too worried. I thought that there might be some legal bickering here and there but in the end everything would turn out fine, with maybe a few new rules to stick to. I couldn't have been more wrong. A little bit of history about the controversy surrounding P2P networking is in order now:

The RIAA killed Napster. They didn't just cripple it, or fine it, or do the smart thing and sign a contract to make money off it, no, they had to utterly destroy it. At the beginning Napster was the embodiment of what the internet was made for, swapping a shitload of files and getting free music that would otherwise be unavailable to you in the privacy of your own home. At the end Napster was a shadow of it's former self, a multimillion dollar company crushed beneath the heel of greedy record producers.

You'll notice that no specific record company sued Napster, instead they all conspired together to get the RIAA to do the dirty work for them. The RIAA is the union that protects all the artists that sign with the major labels. They are there in the first place because the record companies are run by a bunch of crooks that repeatedly ripped off the artists on a regular basis, and so to avoid any poking around by the Government this union was formed to make sure that a little bit of your $20 that you drop on a CD goes to the band once in a while. Just look at Aaron Neville to see how well the Record companies treat the people that make them millions. In the 70's Aaron Neville was at the top of the charts and playing sold out shows with his awesome band The Funky Meters, but at the same time he was working part time as a dock worker to support his family because the fucking record companies swindled his ass out of nearly every penny. Anyone who's ever been in a band that's gotten anywhere near to breaking big knows how much they fuck you over when you sign on the dotted line. The RIAA was created to make sure that if they're gonna anal rank you, there at least has to be some rules to it. But it seems now they've been reduced to a bunch of pansy-assed tools working for the people they were created to police. It just blows my mind.

I remember seeing Metallica on MTV talking to congress about how Napster was solely responsible for them losing $50 million in record sales. Boo-fucking-hoo. They forgot to mention that the particular album in question went multiplatinum (here's a site with a record of Metallica's sales: ) Doesn't seem to me that Metallica is suffering for money. So not everybody went out and bought your stupid album. Maybe that had something to do with the fact that your record sucked ass and your fans didn't like it when you cut off your hair, ditched the biker look, and tried to dress like Justin Timberlake instead. Maybe that particular album didn't sell well because to the average Metallica fan it looked like their favorite band sold out and turned into a bunch of pussies. I hope they all get their asses beat by people wearing their own T-shirts. I hope the next concert they play gets burned down by an angry mob of former Napster employees. Fuck Metallica.

So Napster bit the big one and the assholes with the money won yet again. Nothing new there I suppose. But in the wake of Napster sprang new P2P networks who got around the RIAA by making it so that any file could be traded, not just MP3's. Now you can get music, movies, software, free porn, hacker tools, pics of Agent Scully in a threesome with Mulder and Skinner, everything at once in the privacy of your own bedroom. So it's kind of like Napster was sacrificed like Jesus, so that the rest of the P2P networks could be forgiven. And there wasn't a damn thing the RIAA could do about it. Good. Fuck them.

But maybe not. A few years passed as the RIAA watched helplessly as fans did what they always do, that is enjoy the fruits of the artists they enjoy. During this time (1999-2003) music, software, and movie sales did not significantly go down. Movie ticket sales totaled about $9.317 billion in 2002 and fell about 5% in 2003. Why is that? Maybe because some real shitty movies came out in 2003? Honestly though 5% of $9.317 billion is not a big deal. It means that more people decided to rent the previous summer blockbuster and stay home instead of go out to the movies. These things go in cycles that are closely tied in to economic cycles on the whole. Next year it'll probably jump back up again.

What about Record sales? Despite all the bullshit they record companies keep saying about P2P file sharing destroying their sales, after half an hour on the internet I couldn't find one major record company that reported a loss in 2003. In fact most companies reported increases. Maybe this is just bullshit so they don't scare their stockholders. Maybe it's not; maybe their projected sales are down, as in they thought they would make X billion but only made Y billion. Maybe not, who gives a shit? All I know is that these assholes are still making billions upon billions of dollars and are pissed off because people like me don't want to give them money anymore. From the RIAA's very own website I saw that sales are down from $14,584,500,000 in 1999 to $12,614,210,000 in 2003. Oh no, they only made twelve TRILLION dollars last year. I don't see Geffen, Island, or Sony music going out of business any time soon.

Just a thought, it could be that sales are down because all the new music out there SUCKS ASS now?
So last year to add insult to injury the RIAA decided to really booster their public image and began suing P2P users at random. I'm sure everyone reading this heard the stories of 12 year old girls getting sued for downloading music. Of course it didn't help that the chickenshit ISPs (including AOL and Verizon) buckled under like a limp erection and sold out their customers personal information in the first place. So much for your "privacy policy." This didn't stop until one smart guy got the idea to ask his ISP not to give out his info. Nice you have to ask for something they're supposed to do in the first place. So anyway the RIAA lost again (ha ha!) and were sent swimming in their own poop back to the corner to complain to the media about how file sharing "piracy" is destroying their business. I thought it was finally over. I went back to downloading without a second thought.

But not anymore. Now it looks like the MPAA is getting into the act, and have just gotten the German Government to shut down, one of the servers on the EDonkey network. So since they can't get rid of P2P networks because they're decentralized, and they can't scare people with threats to sue anymore, now it looks like the powers that be are trying to shut down the servers themselves.

Why should you care about this? Because this is an attack on the internet itself! If we let these people go around and shut down servers they don't like anytime they feel like it, it will set precedent that any private entity (in this case a trade union, but this could also include a corporation, local/federal government, religious organization, etc) could conceivably force a server with content they don't like to disappear. Before you know it evangelical church groups or the local chapter of Concerned Women of America will be suing to shut down porn sites, abortion sites, etc, not by suing the site themselves but by going after whatever company that hosts the site.

This is fundamentally against what the internet stands for. The internet was created for one thing and one thing only: FREEDOM. Freedom to look at what you want, read what you want, say what you want, and download what you want. These motherfuckers want to take away that freedom and turn the internet into a gigantic beer commercial. Imagine having to pay every time you turn on your browser, then hitting an online "toll booth" in which access is restricted until you pay some more, then having to pay to download something before you even get to preview it, then paying again to access your e-mail, all of this on top of what you usually pay for your monthly rate. This is what these people are trying to do to the internet, because if they can't figure out how to make money on their content on the web, then they'll take it from ALL of the web. They will destroy the internet.
So you know what I say? Download all you want. That's the only way we can stop these assholes. We need to show them that we're not afraid to use the internet for what it was intended for. I'm not going to cower like a chickenshit scared to fucking death that some asshole in a suit is going to serve me up a summons for downloading a Dr. Demento song. I say we boycott movies and CDs all together and force them to adapt. The internet is the new technological paradigm the distribution of the media of the future is going to use whether the RIAA and MPAA like it or not. If they can't get their shit together fast enough to cash in on file sharing then too bad for them. You notice Apple with Itunes isn't complaining about file sharing. They sold over a million songs the first day they went on-line. The companies that adapt to the new technology are the ones that are going to make all the money. That's how capitalism works, you assholes. File sharing has been around nearly ten years already, get with the fucking program. Dickheads.

Fuck the MPAA. Fuck the RIAA too. Fuck all of them.

Update 8/5/05:
It's official: downloading is now illegal. The assholes in congress were too chickenshit to stand up to the suits in Hollywood and the record companies and folded like a card table. You can now go to jail for downloading a 50 cent song. Remember that next time you vote.

But more people are downloading files than ever before. The law has been passed but everyone is doing what they should be doing: ignoring it. Good, because it's a bullshit law. Of course now and then we're going to have to suffer the occasional crackdown, but for the most part you're safe to go back to downloading. It's safe becasue too many people are doing it. If there's 50 million P2P users out there, how many can they possibly bust? Not enough of them to make a difference. Filesharing has now become the equivalent of digital marijuana; it's against the law but everybody does it.
Fuck you MPAA. We won.