Sunday, June 19, 2005


Some people are polite and don't like to rub crap in other people's faces when they are proved wrong. Not me. I love it. I enjoy it. It's the best feeling in the world, better than crack. When I get in a deep arguement with some moron and walk away all frustrated yet return with undeniable proof and force his ass to concede like a chump I get a warm feeling all over, like God is urinating holy rightousness all over me. It is the reason I live.
I used to frequent several conservative chat rooms, buliten boards, forums, etc. for the purpose of making fun of Republicans, fundamentalist Christians, surburban war hawks, etc, becasue it's fun. Occasionally very heated debates would erupt, and although I usually tried my hardest to not let the threads degenerate into flame wars they almost always would. Honest I always semi-tried not to be an asshole in the begining. But see, conservatives aren't human like the rest of us, they lack the ability to consider they are assholes.
The war and the reasons for it's cause usually was one of the subjects that would degenerate quickly, and depending on who the asshole on the other end of the line was retorts could range from the mundane "You just aren't informed" type, to the "You're a traitor and I'm going to blow your head off" pseudo threats that actually stop short of real threats becasue everyone on a BB is a chickenshit in real life.
I know that politics from three years ago is like ancient fucking history to the American public, so let me refresh all of your memories a little bit before going further. We were told we needed to go to Iraq for several reasons:
1) They were in leauge with the men who blew up the world trade center in the September 11th attacks
2) They had Weapons of Mass Destruction and could bomb one of our cities with toxic gas in less than 45 minutes
3) They were actively training more terrorists and looking to pass along these weapons to groups like Al Queda.
From the begining, me and other people a lot more important than me like journalists and United States Senators told you this was all bullshit, that the real reason we're going there was becasue of the oil, because of the money a war makes for the assholes in power, that Al Queda had virtually no presence inside Iraq and Saddam would be out of his mind to ally with them, let along give them weapons that could be used against him, etc. But as what happens when a war starts people forget things like FACTS and get too busy tying yellow ribbions around thier car anntane to listen. I was called a traitor, a whimp, a dirtbag, and I'm just some kack sitting at his home computer with no power or influence whatsoever. The real people with something to lose out there in the political sphere get chewed up like dogshit on a daily basis for even hinting that there might be some ultierior motives behind the wars. Remeber Bill Maher, that guy who's show got cancelled becasue he spoke out his personal opinion against the war? Remeber when former ambassador Joseph Wilson's wife Valerie Plame was outed as a CIA agent as payback for him telling the truth about bullshit intelligence? How many more people we don't know about have had thier lives and livelihoods runied for speaking up?
But the clincher is that the truth has a way of comming out. It turns out we were right all along. Last month the Downing Street Memo made it to the papers and finally is starting to trickle into the corporate controlled press. Yes, it's still buired in the back pages, and I think it's just a huge coincidence that it came out the same week as the fucking Micheal Jackson verdict. An internal intelligence memo from our British corhorts, the document pretty much explains "how our government did not believe Iraq was a greater threat than other nations; how intelligence was packaged to sell the case for war to both Congress and the American public; and how the Bush Administration's public assurances of "war as a last resort" were at odds with their privately stated intentions."And apparently you people out there aren't as stupid as you look, becasue as of this writing (6/19/05) Bush's approval rating hangs between 42-48%, depending on where you go. According to the Washinton Post people are getting fed up with the war as well (56% against) as well as people's trust in the government (according to ABC news.) Why am putting up polling statistics? Becasue some of you dubmasses don't beleive anything unless there's a statistic behind it.
There it is. We told you so. I told you so. Everybody who called me names now officially has thier head up thier ass. Make sure you click on that link and read the Memo for yourselves, then tell me I'm a fucking traitor. Look, it's not my fault I'm right about everything.
P.S. While I'm at it, the governent finally admitted Global Warming is real too. I told you so.
Related news stories:
Track Bush's approval rating

Thursday, May 19, 2005


Ok, ok, I saw Star Wars Episode III last night at midnight like a dork. It was good. There's lots of asskicking in it, decapitations, arms and legs getting chopped off, people getting blown up in hideous explosions, etc. Unlike the other two bullshit prequels this one is actually worth the Starwars name. The part where Annakin's whole body just MELTS next to the lava while screaming in undescribable pain is awsome. The whole movie should just have been of Annakin melting for two hours.

So please Mr. Lucas, please cut it out with the endorsements already. Everywhere I go I see fucking Darth Vader on everything. He's on the pizza box. He's on the soda bottle. He's on the lottery tickets. He's hanging out at 7-11. He's breathing next to the scary Burger King serial killer guy. He's doing the Vader-choke on talking M&Ms. He's on a box of Cheez-Its, using the power of the Dark Side to levitate some tasty snacks into his robotic hands:

Apparently after a long day of slaughtering children and decapitating sand people, Sith Lords like to retire in the decompression chamber and dig into a tasty bowl of cheese powder tasting squares of starchy vomit crackers. See how mean he looks? He is going fire a load of Cheez-its out of the Death Star at your planet.

Please Mr. Lucas, I know this is the last movie and you're doing the smart thing, milking it for everything it's worth, but please, cut it the fuck out. You win. I saw the movie already. I bought all the fucking action figures. I have the Mace Windu replica lightsaber. I have willingly spend lots of my money on stuff with Darth Vader on it.

But like you said, possesion leads to jelousy, to greed, of the Dark Side are these. So fucking stop whoring out your franchise and rediscover that thing the movie mongols stole from you all those years ago, dignity. You beat them already, you are the most successful independent film maker of all time. Your creation is beloved by millions. You have proved that one man with a vision can win against all odds and show the suits where to stuff it, or whatever. But every one of those Cheez-its cheapens you and your creation that much more. Stop being a fucking whore.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Note to Noobs: Learn How to use Ebay

Over the past few years I've actually made a decent amount of side-cash off Ebay, a few hundred bucks a month selling used games and odd shit I pick up here and there. Not enough to make a living off but adequate. Most transactions for me go down without a hitch. But every once in a while you get some asshole or a kid who's buying shit with his parent's credit card who doesn't know proper Ebay etiquette. Before you sign up they should make you take a class or something on how to act like an intelligent human being when buying an selling shit on Ebay. It's not that hard, but since you dumbasses out there just don't get it I've decided out of the goodness of what passes for my heart to list some simple steps:


Maybe there's a reason the Ultra Rare Daewoo Zemmix you're bidding on is selling with a "Buy it now" price of $1.50. Chances are it doesn't work, or a dog took a shit on it, or it's otherwise fucked up somehow. You will never find anything worth a shitload of money for a cheap price, for the simple reason that people who do shit like that (old people, the mentally insane, drunken hicks from the Arkansas) usually are too stupid to use computers and thus can't sell shit on Ebay.

I recently sold a Sega Saturn on Ebay for $10. The reason? It didn't boot any games. I clearly wrote in the first line of the item description "System does not boot any games and is being sold to someone who fixes this stuff." What do I get back from the noob moron who bought it? "The system doesn't even work." Too bad, should have read the description. No refund for you.


Yet another common sense thing that nobody seems to pay attention to. If the guy you just bought the John Holmes replica dildo from has 15.44% positive feedback, that means that 84.36% of his customers were dissatisfied enough with his service as to complain about it. It means he's probably going to give you shitty service as well. It means your didlo is going to show up with other people's bodily fluids all over it, if it even shows up at all.

If the guy's feedback all comes from one person he's a scam artist. Use your fucking head, he's buying/selling to himself to pad his feedback with positives.

As well, never buy/sell to somebody with zero or all negative feedback. If you sell to somebody who's never used Ebay before then don't get mad when they don't know what they're doing. Yeah, I know it's a catch 22. Should have got into it in the late 1990's like everybody else. Too bad, go get some good transactions first and then we'll talk.

Pay attention to feedback and you won't get ripped off. Dumbass.


In the Feedback screen is a little link on the right that says "ID history." When you click on it you are presented with a list of all the Ebay IDs this guy has ever used. So, if he changes his ID every week chances are he's unreliable and is probably a scam artist. Why would someone change their ID every week? Because they're ripping people off.


This is part of reading the item description. So the industrial size enema-machine you just bought only cost you $3.99, don't get mad when the guy charges you $4,000 to ship it. Any overly huge item is going to cost a shitload to send.

Before you bid find out the zip code where the item is located, then go to whatever postal service your country uses (like the United States Postal service ) and get a rough estimate of how much shipping should be. Expect the guy to quote you a little bit more for the cost of packing materials, but dispute anything too far off your estimate. Most big-time sellers have their own UPS accounts and such and usually quote a fair price. But some moron selling shit out of his basement will usually always try to fuck you up on shipping.This is the most common form of fraud on Ebay. If he quotes you too much, dispute it. If he doesn't like it, fuck'em. Negative feedback.

Also, look at the bottom of the item description to see if he quotes a flat shipping rate. The item may be cheap, then at the bottom the guy says in very tiny print "Shipping: $40 flat rate." I seem to see a lot of this overinflated shipping charges crap coming out of Canada for some reason. Nice try hosehead. Go play with a hockey puck or something.


If you see a super duper expensive portable DVD player on sale for cheap, but the item location is in Nigeria, then chances are it's a load of shit. Never trust any auctions out of third world countries. No, this is not a racist thing, I have nothing against people of color in other countries around the world. I'm just telling it like it is, that countries in Northern Africa like Nigeria, Algeria, Lybia, etc. are notorious for ripping people off. Ever get one of those "Nigerian letter" scams, where some oil sheik or lawyer from northern Africa promises you money then proceeds to empty your bank account? Same shit, same people. If you buy something from anywhere else besides North America, Europe, or Japan, make sure the seller has crazy good feedback on legitimate auctions else you risk getting ripped off. This includes semi-first world countries like Spain, Italy, and Israel - sorry guys, work on improving your national image first. Another hot spot for scammers is the Netherlands (believe it or not,) because the laws against this type of fraud is lax there. There is nothing wrong with sending a few e-mails to prior buyers to ask if the seller is legit or not.

Bottom line: Anyone who gets scammed on Ebay is a dumbass. Dumbass.


Wow, there's a telescope on sale that was once owned by Leonardo DaVinci himself! It even has his autograph on it and the seller is throwing in some drawing of a man in a squared circle! And it's only one thousand dollars! What a deal!

Go ahead, bid on it. Dumbass.


I no longer accept personal checks or money orders. I only take immediate payment through Paypal. I don't give a shit if you get paid next week, too bad for you. Come back when you have the moola. Yeah, I lose some potential customers this way. But the time and hassle I save is well worth it. You really want this half eaten sandwich I dug out of Micheal Jackson's garbage? Then get a paypal account.

If your credit is too fucked up to get a credit card and a Paypal account, then maybe you should be out getting a job and paying off some debt before you buy more crap you don't need off Ebay. It's called being a responsible adult you fuckheads.


There should be a law that says anyone who lets their kids buy stuff on Ebay gets the instant death penalty. No trial, no lawyer, no waiting ten years on death row. The seller gets to come over to your house and shoot you in the fucking head right there in front of your family. Because if I get one more e-mail from somebody who is so god dammed oblivious as to what their kids are doing that somehow little junior has managed to access the Ebay account and buy crap and they don't want to pay for it because "We did not give them permission to buy this," that is what I'm going to do. I don't give a fuck if you gave permission or not, perhaps you should keep an eye on your child-maggot when he gets on the computer. When you bid it's a legal contract saying you will pay for the item. Too bad, cough up my money. Dumbass.


When stuff gets sent through the mail it may travel all over the country before it gets to your house. Doesn't matter if you live across town, the package has to go through several processing stations which may be close, may be far away. The fact that millions of pieces of mail get sent and received everyday is a testament as to how ruthlessly efficient the snail mail infrastructure in this country actually is.

That means hold your fucking horses. Your item will show up eventually. Don't get all bitchy if the package isn't on your doorstep the next morning. It takes a little while sometimes. Dang.

Sellers: Always get a tracking number when shipping items of significant worth, as well as insurance. Doesn't matter if the buyer doesn't want insurance, get it anyway and add it to the shipping charges. Because when Joe Blow the mailman walks off with your imported Bandai Pippin @mark you just sold for $200 you get reimbursed and are able to give the customer a refund while keeping your profit as well. Everybody wins - you, the buyer, and Joe Blow gets his ass fired when they trace the theft back to him via the tracking number.

Protect your assests, and your ass. Dumbass.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Ten Things I Fucking Hate 6

1) Harry Potter: I have never read a Harry Potter book, and I never will. I instinctively know that it sucks. Any book where the main character plays basketball on a broomstick sucks automatically. I suppose if I was ten years old I might be interested, but I'm not, so I won't. Don't try to send me e-mail pleading poor Harry's case -I don't care. You're right, I am a closed minded asshole. Now move out of your parent's basement and get a job.

2) Ingrown toenails: Proof enough that mankind evolved; No God in his right mind would desgin us with such a pain-in-the-ass flaw.

3) People who make out in movies: I didn't pay $9.50 to watch you tounge fuck your ugly girlfriend.

4) Inflation: I hate being poor.

5) Hamsters: More proof that evolution is true. I used to work in a pet store- part of my job was to clean rodent cages. Thing is the guy who ran the store was a cheap ass and used these heavy brick-feeder dishes that he got in bulk for like 2 1/2 cents each. What happens is that the hampster digs under the dish, which slowly crushes it to death. Next day I clean the cage and find a hamspeter flat as a pancake. I have no doubt that if hampsters had not developed into this evoltionary dead end they would have rose up and taken over the world millions of years ago.
Pluse they smell. Fuck Hampsters.

6) When the girl you love dumps her fiancee and gives you hope that you might have a chance, but in fact was just using you for emotional baggage and decides to still marry somebody else: Oh, who knows what her problem is...

7) When you're trying to write shit for your website but then friends show up and you have to like, talk to them: I hate that shit.

8) Okra: More proof of evoltion. No God in his right mind would make a vegetable that tastes so bad. Stew it, deep fry it, bake it, broil it, slap it repeatedly with a slab of meat and then cook it on your engine block- there is just no possible way to prepare this swill so that it tastes good.

9) Gun activists: Yes, I know it's my right. I understand that. But the less guns there are laying around, the less people get shot by them. Doesn't mean that guns cause crime, or that eliminating guns will stop shooting deaths (as criminals will just buy them illegally anyway.) No one is claiming anything of the sort. All I'm saying is that if you don't have a gun around you are less likely to get shot. These assholes who run around with cardboard signs exclaiming thier "right" to own a assault rifle are as lame as the people running arond with signs saying it's not thier right own an assalt rifle. It says " right to bear arms," Not "Right to own a high-tech killing machine that you can 86 a whole school yard with."

And as for those people who say they need such weaponry to "defend thier home," let me ask you, when was the last time you were in a situation that required such firepower that a handgun or shotgun could not provide? Like say, a whole team of ninjas invaded your house in the middle of the night, and the 38 special under your bed just wasn't up to the task of home defense? This isn't Beruit; Groups of terrorists are not in the habit of invading private homes in this country (not yet anyway.)
Make no mistake; The reason there's so much of a gun culture in this country has nothing to do with your "right" to self defense- it has to do with the intrinsic fear that white rualites have of minorites. Don't think so? Then why do all the NRA dickheads correspond to the racist bible belt assholes? Becase they're the same fucking people. The same scumbags who used to lynch black people and burn crosses are the same fuckheads who like to keep ak-47s around. It's some kind of insane white-person paranoia that the niggers are going to rise up and rape thier children- complete bullshit and I'm not buying into it anymore. First it was indians, then blacks, now it's terrorsts. Same grade-A baloney story.

If anyone needs to own a gun in this country it's minorites- not only to defend themselves from the day-to-day life of inner city crime, bt also from the wacky gun nuts out there who have a tendency to flip out and waste a day care center or two. Becase every person of color in this country knows this one indisputable fact: there is nothing more scary than a white person with a gun.

The only reason for anyone who isn't a farmer or a drug dealer to own a gun in my opinion is to shoot other assholes who own guns, mainly gun activists. I say we wall off a state and ship all the gun nuts there and let them kill each other all they want. Fuck them.

10) Midget jokes: Why is it that you can take any otherwise lame example of bullshit toilet humor, slap a midget in it, and all of the sudden it's supposed to be "funny?" Since when did the entire comedic culture center around dwarfs? Midgets are just like salad dressing; They improve the taste but do nothing toget rid of those nasty olives in there. I hate olives too. Fuck olives.