Friday, January 14, 2005

Ten Things I Fucking Hate 6

1) Harry Potter: I have never read a Harry Potter book, and I never will. I instinctively know that it sucks. Any book where the main character plays basketball on a broomstick sucks automatically. I suppose if I was ten years old I might be interested, but I'm not, so I won't. Don't try to send me e-mail pleading poor Harry's case -I don't care. You're right, I am a closed minded asshole. Now move out of your parent's basement and get a job.

2) Ingrown toenails: Proof enough that mankind evolved; No God in his right mind would desgin us with such a pain-in-the-ass flaw.

3) People who make out in movies: I didn't pay $9.50 to watch you tounge fuck your ugly girlfriend.

4) Inflation: I hate being poor.

5) Hamsters: More proof that evolution is true. I used to work in a pet store- part of my job was to clean rodent cages. Thing is the guy who ran the store was a cheap ass and used these heavy brick-feeder dishes that he got in bulk for like 2 1/2 cents each. What happens is that the hampster digs under the dish, which slowly crushes it to death. Next day I clean the cage and find a hamspeter flat as a pancake. I have no doubt that if hampsters had not developed into this evoltionary dead end they would have rose up and taken over the world millions of years ago.
Pluse they smell. Fuck Hampsters.

6) When the girl you love dumps her fiancee and gives you hope that you might have a chance, but in fact was just using you for emotional baggage and decides to still marry somebody else: Oh, who knows what her problem is...

7) When you're trying to write shit for your website but then friends show up and you have to like, talk to them: I hate that shit.

8) Okra: More proof of evoltion. No God in his right mind would make a vegetable that tastes so bad. Stew it, deep fry it, bake it, broil it, slap it repeatedly with a slab of meat and then cook it on your engine block- there is just no possible way to prepare this swill so that it tastes good.

9) Gun activists: Yes, I know it's my right. I understand that. But the less guns there are laying around, the less people get shot by them. Doesn't mean that guns cause crime, or that eliminating guns will stop shooting deaths (as criminals will just buy them illegally anyway.) No one is claiming anything of the sort. All I'm saying is that if you don't have a gun around you are less likely to get shot. These assholes who run around with cardboard signs exclaiming thier "right" to own a assault rifle are as lame as the people running arond with signs saying it's not thier right own an assalt rifle. It says " right to bear arms," Not "Right to own a high-tech killing machine that you can 86 a whole school yard with."

And as for those people who say they need such weaponry to "defend thier home," let me ask you, when was the last time you were in a situation that required such firepower that a handgun or shotgun could not provide? Like say, a whole team of ninjas invaded your house in the middle of the night, and the 38 special under your bed just wasn't up to the task of home defense? This isn't Beruit; Groups of terrorists are not in the habit of invading private homes in this country (not yet anyway.)
Make no mistake; The reason there's so much of a gun culture in this country has nothing to do with your "right" to self defense- it has to do with the intrinsic fear that white rualites have of minorites. Don't think so? Then why do all the NRA dickheads correspond to the racist bible belt assholes? Becase they're the same fucking people. The same scumbags who used to lynch black people and burn crosses are the same fuckheads who like to keep ak-47s around. It's some kind of insane white-person paranoia that the niggers are going to rise up and rape thier children- complete bullshit and I'm not buying into it anymore. First it was indians, then blacks, now it's terrorsts. Same grade-A baloney story.

If anyone needs to own a gun in this country it's minorites- not only to defend themselves from the day-to-day life of inner city crime, bt also from the wacky gun nuts out there who have a tendency to flip out and waste a day care center or two. Becase every person of color in this country knows this one indisputable fact: there is nothing more scary than a white person with a gun.

The only reason for anyone who isn't a farmer or a drug dealer to own a gun in my opinion is to shoot other assholes who own guns, mainly gun activists. I say we wall off a state and ship all the gun nuts there and let them kill each other all they want. Fuck them.

10) Midget jokes: Why is it that you can take any otherwise lame example of bullshit toilet humor, slap a midget in it, and all of the sudden it's supposed to be "funny?" Since when did the entire comedic culture center around dwarfs? Midgets are just like salad dressing; They improve the taste but do nothing toget rid of those nasty olives in there. I hate olives too. Fuck olives.