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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Why do Christians love abortion?

Longtime readers of my little rants (as if there are such people. If you are one of them, I pity you) know how much I used to relish making fun of the Christians out there in wacky land. It's not just them, I enjoy persecuting overly religious people in general. However over the last few years I've somewhat relaxed a bit in my attitudes, if I really want people to live and let live, the best way to show it is by practicing it. Who am I to tell people what to believe, what right do I have to insult the beliefs of others?

And really, who gives a shit?

Well, they do, the Evangelical Christians. They give a lot of shits. And thus when two people argue and one gives a shit while the other doesn't, the one who does wins by default. Case in point, the recent Supreme Court decision to uphold the 2003 partial birth abortion ban. I'm sure all of you were paying attention to this, it's hard sometimes when the corporate tabloid news media is busy exploiting sensational school shooter stories to see that there are in fact other things going on in the world, some of which might be important.

I won't go over the rights and wrongs of partial birth abortion - or a second term abortion done during a time when a fetus is quickly approaching the age where it might, just maybe, be able to survive outside of the mother's body by being hooked up to all kinds of machines and shit and growing up all deformed into a self-conscious mentally ill adult who can't get over the fact that it's mother didn't want it. Believe what you want to believe, I'm not here to dispute that. But it just seems to me that the whole big stink over whether or not you should be allowed to kill your unborn child is a big time waster, an issue used to distract us from other important issues, and is, in fact, bullshit.

A little background here - When I was in utero the doctors found a cyst on one of my mother's ovaries. During the removal process there was a 50-50 chance that, in order to save the life of the mother, they may have had to abort the fetus, which was ME. Was it divine intervention that saved me? I would like to think so. But I also know it's just as likely that I simply got lucky. When your birth had the same chance of success as the results of a coin toss it tends to put this issue into perspective for you. I am glad I was born, but also I would not blame my mother for aborting me if her life was threatened. Would you throw yourself in front of a train to save your mother? Some people would, some people would not. If you're one of the people who is not an asshole and actually would save your mother then by logical extension you must be in favor of abortion. When that decision comes, your life or your unborn child's, you cannot blame anyone for choosing to preserve themselves. Yes it would be nice if everyone was selfless, but that's some other planet. On planet Earth self preservation comes first, then preservation of your offspring.

I would just like to add that there does not have to be an actual risk of death for a pregnancy to threaten the mother's life. Having a kid can not just be inconvenient, it can thoroughly destroy your life in a very real sense. Is it right to ask a woman to turn her entire life around, put her aspirations and dreams on hold (possibly forever,) and force her to take on unwanted responsibility? What if the kid is 16, is it right to force her to carry the child and possibility destroy her entire existence in the process? How many of you women out there has this happened to? Yeah, I'm sure you love your children and wouldn't want it any other way. But there is that feeling that your life may have been vastly different if you made a different decision. Can you truly blame someone for making that choice?

Oh, you religious people don't think so? You think when the time comes to make this choice you'll selflessly stand up and choose to go through with it, even though the pregnancy may potentially kill or ruin you? Bullshit. Let's just look at a few statistics here (because once again, some of you dumbasses don't believe anything without a number behind it.) According to this site (The Center For Bioethical Reform, which is an Anti-abortion site, in case any of you think I'm being biased here) it looks like 37% of abortions are obtained by protestants and 31% by Catholics, and 18% by Evangelicals. If we combine these three groups under the umbrella of "Christians," which is what they are, that brings the total to 86%. Thus Christian women, the people who are telling us all not to get abortions, are in fact the people who get the vast majority of actual abortions. So what does this mean exactly? It means that going to church, voting Republican, and believing in God doesn't stop people from fucking. So apparently you're all just talk, because when it comes down to it most of you go "pro-choice" in an instant. You don't like the fact that people kill their unborn children, fine. Stop getting fucking abortions then. And don't go around saying it's the Godless atheist people who need help, because according to that very same site only 23% of women who get abortions describe themselves as such, way less than you religious people. Just another example of you hypocritical double-speaking bastards trying to force behavior on us that you don't follow yourselves.

They also say 43% of all women in the USA will have one by age 45. Hmmm... I've got a feeling that number should be up there towards 80%. Chances are you know two or three women who have had one, even a few in your very own family. Truth is we'll probably never know the exact numbers because of the damn stigma you religious people out there insist of attaching to abortion many women out there keep it a secret. Remember the only people who give a shit about this is YOU (the religious people,) you're the ones walking around holding the signs with the dead babies on them and throwing blood on people. Thanks a lot for all the fucking shame you assholes. Way to kick an emotionally defenseless woman when she's down. And you wonder why Church attendance is on the wane across the nation.

The truth is you can't stop it. Women have always done it, and they always will, whether it's legal or not. By making it illegal all you will do is force it underground and possibly ruin a few more lives in the process. Why do you think you religious people get so much opposition to all of your little political pet projects? Because it seems like everything you people are into, everything you want the rest of us to follow, anti-abortion, anti-gay rights, pro-blowing up the middle east, anti-environment, all of it seems to be directly involved in making life miserable for everyone. Well fuck that, we don't want to be miserable. We want to live in the land of the fucking free, where we don't have to listen to people like that, where we get to do what we fucking want, whenever we fucking feel like it. Isn't that what being FREE is all about, doing what you want when you feel like it? So stop standing in the way of freedom. Live how you want, make your own choice. We will leave you alone as long as you don't stick your hypocritical nose in our business.

Like that will ever happen.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Somebody Else's Problem at Virgina Tech

You know, we all talk a lot of shit on a day to day basis. In any particular conversation, any one of us may say something to the effect of "I am going to kill the next person who blah blah blah--" or "I hate that guy so much I'm going to fucking blow his brains out," etc. Violent idioms are a common part of our language. On a daily basis we bombard ourselves with violent imagery, we watch incredibly violent movies, play video games where people get run over, eaten by hideous monsters, shot in the face, etc, and of course the nightly news is filled with the effects of violence in our lives and society. But when something like this massacre occurs we still get pretty horrified at it, we still can't understand how and exactly why someone would do such a thing.

The resulting media firestorm from this tragedy reminds me a lot of Micheal Moore's 2002 film Bowling for Columbine, so I watched it with this latest event in mind. If you haven't seen it lately you can basically take the word Columbine out and put Virginia Tech in, it relates rather well to the situation at hand. In the film Moore asks why exactly this type of thing happens here in the United States and not in other countries that have similar violent histories, exploitative media, crime, poverty, and repressed youth that we have here. Besides falling just short of calling America fundamentally fucked up He doesn't really come up with an answer. Whenever something like this happens nobody seems to know.

Well, I'll tell you what the problem is. There is a really good reason why we get things like school massacres and random acts of extreme violence here, and this is it: It's becasue compassion has no place in America. Our society rewards people who take what they want no matter who gets hurt. To us, if you're poor or disadvantaged, then somehow that's your fault. It's that cutthroat competitive undercurrent that drives everything we do, that we can look at a starving guy sleeping next to a dumpster and not give a shit, we can drive to our jobs and shop at the stupid mall while the fruits of our economy go to killing people half a world away.

What, you don't think people are this heartless? How many times have you heard someone complain about homeless people, the "Don't give them money" speech when you see a guy begging with a cardboard sign. How many of you have thought that yourselves? I have; I've walked by a dirty bum and been repulsed by him. We all have. It's in our nature. The travesty that we allow people to live like that in the first place doesn't even enter our minds. It's Somebody Else's Problem, and even if I want to do something about it I can't, so fuck it. It's who we are as a nation, don't try to deny it.

We live blissfully ignorant of the true evil that goes on around us on a daily basis. It's not just poor and oppressed people. It's in the extremely superficial way we treat each other. What was wrong with Cho Seung-Hui, what was it that made him flip out and kill all those people? He had no friends. I know it and I don't even have to read the stupid news reports. He had no friends and probably got fucked with all the time, probably hadn't gotten laid in quite a while, probably had the idea that he was going to end up washing other people's clothes just like his parents, just had no hope that anything in his pathetic life would change, ever. Because that's the same problem that ALL of these people have whenever something like this happens, but you're never going to hear about it becasue the news people always gloss over this particular angle of the story.

Our society crushes itself and by extension crushes the individual, or a better way of putting it, in order to survive in such a socitey the individual must adapt by banding together and crushing others. In such a society someone always looses. Once Cho was branded a "loser" by his peers he never had a chance. Truth is most of us are able to weather this effect. At a national level our society may be sick beyond repair, but at a microcosmic level we Americans do a pretty good job of comming together. Our communities are probably more tightly knit than anywhere else in the world. But this example shows that there are some people who slip through the cracks. When "losers" get desperate and get a hold of guns, this is what happens, because nobody cares about them.

You know, all it takes to stop this kind of shit is to try being nice to people for a change, stop living in fear of everything, and quit assuming that everyone who doesn't look like you is going to kill or rob you. Fat chance of that happening. So every couple of years expect to see another random shooting, another misplaced tragic massacre, becasue it's who we are, as a people. It's my fault, it's our fault, so own up to it because it's your fault too. Is there anything we can do about it? I don't know. For now it'll probably continue to be Somebody Else's Problem

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Ten Things I Fucking Hate Part 9

(Originally Posted On Hawanja.com on 12/3/06)

1) People who use the off ramp lane to cut ahead of you in traffic - What the fuck is your problem? Where is it that's so important you have to be by weaving in and out of traffic like a psychopath? In the meantime you put my fucking life in danger to shave two and a half nanoseconds. Ridiculous.

2) People who treat the next big game system like it's the second coming of Christ - You seen these videos of people rioting to get a stupid Playstation 3? People getting trampled, even shot in some instances? Goddamn people, it's a fucking GAME SYSTEM! You play fucking video games on it! It's not like your heart is gonna explode if you don't get one at 12:01 a.m. on fucking release day! They'll have some more next week, chill the fuck out already. God people are stupid.

3) People who take too much damn salsa - You've seen these assholes, you go into a Baja Fresh or other Mexican-type restaurant where they have the salsa bar and there's always some gluttonous bastard who has to take like 17 cups of the shit. You gonna eat that all yourself you fat fuck? Look, I know they're giving the stuff away free but Jesus people, don't fucking over do it. Same thing when people take all the sugar and Equal packets at a burger joint. It's not like salt and sugar are precious fucking commodities. Do you people even use this stuff? Or are you taking it just to be an asshole? Why do people do shit like this, because it's "Free?" Next person I see filling up a Sparklets bottle with free salsa gets a free foot in their ass.

4) Ann Coulter - Do people actually take this dried up cuntbag seriously? First time I heard of her was a few years ago in connection to an article where someone witnessed a practice run by terrorists in an airplane, apparently there were men getting up and assembling a bomb in the bathroom. Too bad the whole story turned out to be complete bullshit but it did get her on the media map for real. Now she's become yet another right-wing bag of wacky nuts, always shouting how "liberals" are destroying our democracy. After the last election in which the Republicans got ass-stomped this woman advocated bringing back the poll tax. Yeah that's democracy for ya.

5) DVDs that don't say they are full screen on the front cover - You buy a brand spanking new copy of some cool movie you've wanted to see for a long time only to get it home and find out it's been given the fucking pan-and-scan treatment. It cuts off half the damn screen, when I pay $19.95 for a new damn movie I expect to see the whole fucking thing. Why are they still making movies like this? Because some old lady out there is too cheap to buy a new TV? So I gotta suffer because of one small segment of the population that is afraid to adapt to new technology? Then you try to take it back to the store but they refuse to exchange it because it's an open item. Fucking bullshit.

6) When the girl you used to love a few years ago and who you thought really loved you but moved off to northern California with another guy dumps her fiance, but stays in northern California while her Ex moves back to your town instead of the other way around - Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself. It just sucks.

7) People who think Star Wars is real: It's a movie people, it's make believe, it's not real life. Just because you walk around in a robe doesn't mean the government has to officially recognize you as a Jedi. Sad thing is I'm not making this shit up.

8) When you accidently cut a tonail just a little too deep - Ouch.

9) When some greedy fucking asshole drinks all the coffee in the break room and doesn't make any more - I now work in an office for a fortune 500 company (in the lowest paid position there is, but what the hell. At least I'm not slinging a cash register anymore.) Like most offices for companies that are not completely evil they supply free coffee for their subjects. But without fail at 9:00 every morning somebody drinks all of the fucking coffee and just leaves the empty pot sizzling there. How much time does it take to throw a new pot of coffee on? Like two and a half seconds. Have some common decency, the stupid end of the month reports can wait. I cannot function in this corporate hellhole job without a steady supply of liquid stimulant. Not only that, they also leave sugar and coffee creamer all over the counter. Clean that shit up dammit! If you leave sugar laying around we're gonna get ANTS up in here!

10) Sony, the entire fucking company and everyone in it - Last year I said Fuck Sony because they gave us a raw deal with the PSP. Now it seems Sony is full of so many greedy fucking scumbags they just sued small time Hong Kong importer Lik-Sang out of existence. I just happened to be a Lik-Sang affiliate. So in addition to making them look like assholes, Sony shutting them down has also personally cost me money in lost referrals and time as now I have to remove all the affiliate links from my pages. Thanks a lot fucking Sony. Let me show you how much I care by buying the new Nintendo system instead of your overpriced piece of shit this Christmas.

YOU LOSE ASSHOLES! HA! HA! HA!

(Originally Posted on Hawanja.com on 11/08/06)

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Rick Santorum (R - PA) and his family are pissed off that people vote.

My GOD that election ruled! You conservative fuckers didn't just lose, you got your asses kicked, stomped, pounded, trashed, fucked up beyond all recognition! Let's just take a look at the numbers:


RepublicansDemocratsIndependents

Senate

49492

House

2012340

Governorships

16200

Well shit, I guess you can't a bigger asswhippin' than that huh? Goddamn I love this; For SIX YEARS I've had to listen to people calling me names, calling me a pussy, calling me a traitor, because I am able to see though the bullshit this cadre of former oligarchs feed the public and I had the audacity to tell people so on my little website. Now it seems I'm in the majority, hmmmm.... well you know what? This is a democracy, and in a fucking democracy THE MAJORITY RULES!

And it's about fucking time I might add. All of the leftist loonies like me are sitting around today patting themselves on the back for a job well done (and they deserve it,) but may I ask where the fuck have you people have been all this time? We've had two other opportunities to pull this coup in the 2002 and 2004 elections, did you people just decide to sit those elections out? Or could it be that you all had to wait until shit got so ridiculously bad that you couldn't take it anymore?

I have no illusions about this victory; I know that the Democrats didn't win this election, the Republicans lost. This election is about throwing the scandal ridden-thieves out of power and for the most part the new thieves that have taken their place don't have that much better of a track record. It's just sickening to see that it takes things to get as bad as they are before people finally turn off American Idol long enough to notice. I mean come on people! We've got two hopeless wars going on that are sucking away our Gross National Product while at the same time hospitals are closing all over the country. We've got a planet turning into a radioactive waste dump under our feet, the fucking oceans are dying, you won't be able to eat any fish in forty years because there fucking won't be any, the goddamn hole in the ozone layer is the size of the United States for crying out loud, the fucking icecaps are melting so fast that various countries are fighting over shipping lanes in the Arctic, we have countries in the Middle East scrambling to build nuclear bombs in part to defend themselves from US, yet at the same time we're supposed to be fighting international terrorism by invading the one secular Middle Eastern country that actually suppressed such terrorism, our fucking Bill Of Rights is in the goddamn toilet.. all of this has been going on for years, and just now people are starting to realize it. Well better late then never I suppose. Let this be a lesson to you America, shit does not just go away when you turn the channel. At least now there's hope for the first time in six years, hope that this Neoconservative nightmare can finally come to an end and we can start putting the country and the world back together again.

Of course all of my conservative wack-job comedy generators out there in internet land don't think so. Shit, the Fox News website doesn't even have the national totals up on their site, as if by hiding this information they can prevent the shitcanning of their heroes. The mood around the various conservative boards I frequent to taunt people is of general defeat, denial, and rage. More than once I've heard "Get ready for the next terrorist attack," like somehow just electing a Democrat is going to cause a bomb to spontaneously generate in the White House.

Fucking crybabies.

I could take it easy on you all, be a "Fair winner," but FUCK THAT. For six years I've had to listen to you conservative assholes lie to yourselves and push your bullshit down my throat. No longer, it's payback time.

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Sucks living in a democracy, huh?

My Country is a Fucking Mess

(Originally Posted on Hawanja.com on 10/2/06)

You know, There was a time not too long ago when people actually paid attention to what was going on around them. And when things happened that pushed people too far (taking away their rights for instance) people died defending them. Everyone talks about our forefathers like they're some kind of God-like people in remote ancient history who all got along fine, sat down, and rationally thought out our system of government. Not true; The revolutionary war only happened two hundred years ago and popular revolts were extremely common.

So what the fuck happened? People today are brainless ignorant greedy consumer bastards who only care about how much they can take. Plus today people are fucking pussies, unable and unwilling to stand up to authority. The Farmer's revolt, the Civil War (and the New York Civil war draft riots they don't teach you about in school,) hell, even the fucking Hippies had more balls than we do. How did we go from "Give me liberty or give me death" to "Must see TV" in such a short period of time?

What, you may ask, is my problem this week? Habeas Corpus: That basic human right that a prisoner has the right to see the evidence against him. This is from English common law all the way back in the 12th century. In case you weren't paying attention this week the Senate has just passed a bill ( Senate bill S. 3930 ) which not only makes the whole keeping-people-indefinetly-without-a-real-trial-thing okay, but also severely restricts any persons subject to such military tribunals as the bill allows to defend themselves. Imagine you've been held in jail for FIVE YEARS, and when they finally let you have a trial you're not even allowed to see the evidence that is supposed to prove your guilt. Yeah, this is America.

If that's not enough for you, the bill also pretty much destroys the efforts of Senator John McCain's anti-torture bill, because now it's all legal. Add to this McCain voted for the fucking thing. Good job there senator, up until recently you were the one Republican I actually trusted. Thanks asshole. Way to cave into your handlers.

So Bush and his cronies started gettin' scared that they might be held accountable for all the illegal shit they've done in the last few years, so they simply changed the law and gave themselves a get out of jail free card. Hmmm... you would think this would be headline news, at least. Recently I've been without cable TV, so I couldn't check the networks. But a quick search on MSNBC.com, Foxnews.com, CNN.com, etc. showed NOT ONE FUCKING WORD about this story. A search on any of those sites for Senate bill S. 3930 returns the same pansy-ass misleading fluff A. P. story piece I saw in the local paper. I can only assume their televised networks followed suit.

What I do see on the front page of all three of those major news media sites is (lo and behold) the EXACT SAME STORIES. What's the most important thing to happen in Washington on Oct 2nd, 2006? It's the lurid emails that ex- Senator Mark Foley sent to an underage male intern. Yeah, that's important.

I did find info on S. 3930 on the home page of the BBC News. I just don't understand why I have to go to a news outlet hosted in another fucking country to find out what's really going on in my own. It's goddamned disgraceful!

Am I the only one who notices that stuff like this only appears in the news when there are other more important stories going on? In the 90's we saw this all the time, like when Clinton admitted in the 60's the CIA purposely released radioactive particles into the atmosphere over American cities so they could study the spread of fallout in case of a atomic war (thus causing who knows how many thousands of cases of cancer) on the same day as the O.J. Simpson verdict. Seems like the Bush people learned the lesson rather well: You got a story potentially damaging that could cause some real revolt? Leak a good senate sex scandal, nice way of diverting attention. And the fucking media bites every goddamn time, like clockwork. Then you wonder why people believe in X-Files type illuminati conspiracy theories.

Yeah, it's ok as long as it's terrorists, right? Who gives a shit if innocent people might be sitting there in Guantanamo bay, too bad, they were in the wrong place in the wrong time. Let me clue you people in on something: YOU ARE NEXT. If you let them get away with this they'll take a little more, then take a little more, then take it all. Why is it these people rotting away in Cuba aren't afforded the same protections any other federal prisoner is? It's not like any of them are gonna get off easy. Wait, they're terrorists, right? They don't deserve American protections, right? Well Timothy McVeigh was a fucking terrorist, he got a fucking trial. And he got the death penalty too, so don't go telling me giving these people a trial will get them off. The blind sheikh Omar Abdel-Rahman set off a bomb in the World Trade Center in 1993, he got a trial, and he got convicted. Zacarias fucking Moussaoui got a fucking trial, I don't see his ass walking the street. So don't tell me they need to do this to put these people away, because they don't.

Is there anyone out there who isn't a highly paid right wing media pundit who still supports these people? How can any of you see this going on and still think these people are doing the right thing? They went to war on fake evidence. They let Osama get away. The fucking Taliban is BACK, they control over half of fucking Afghanistan. Fucking Iraq is in a goddamn civil war and they still don't want to leave. 400 billion dollars so far and every single one of the objectives that matter have failed. We now routinely torture people and hold them without charge, and now Congress has said that's okay, no problem with us. And STILL you fucking people vote for them! What the hell is it gonna take? Oh wait, one of them has to be gay, then he's out of there. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand.

You conservative assholes out there: Check the record. Everything the progressive left opposition has said would happen has come to pass. You people are living in denial of the worst kind. But this isn't the regular my-life-is-a-lie denial that we secretly laugh at, this is destructive denial. And when the shit hits the fan and they finally take over for real, when the storm troopers are running through the streets shooting school teachers and executing anyone with a college education, guess who's gonna get it first, them, or you?

This shit makes my fucking head hurt.

Ten Things I Fucking Hate Part 8

(Originally Posted on Hawanja.com on 12/15/05)

1. Assholes with loud motorcycles: I've got nothing in particular against bikers per se, because personally I think the bad-ass biker thing is pretty cool. It's those dickheads who ride around like dumbasses for no other reason than to show how LOUD their bike is that piss me off. You all know the scenario: You're with your friends of family at a cafe patio or restaurant or something, just trying to eat and have a good time, until some fucking jerk revs up his penis-crutch all loud and shit, totally destroying the atmosphere and forcing you to shout all loud and everything. The guy blares it on, then revs it two or three times, totally drowning out all other sound, then peels out stroking his dick as he scoots away. Then you look at his ass and can't help but notice what a shiny and expensive motorcycle this individual has. It's an attention getter for middle aged men who haven't got any pussy in years to make themselves feel cool. Real fucking bikers could give a shit about who notices them driving down the street. I have no patience for people and the crap they do to booster their egos. Fuck them.

2. People who excessively complain at work: Okay, I realize everyone complains about their jobs. In all of my old jobs I didn't mind this so much as frankly they were all kack restaurant/clerk/serving the public type jobs, and they all blew ass. But my current job is the best job ever. I play fucking video games for a living. Yet people still bitch and moan even about that.

Bottom line is this: You don't like your job? Then leave. Nobody is making your ass stay there. I got tired of mopping floors and cleaning fucking toilets, so I left. Now I don't complain. The minute my awesome game testing job turns sour I'll get another one. So shut the fuck up and get to work.

3. People who never have their own cigarettes: You've always got that one friend/co-worker/family member who never has his own fucking cigarettes. When the smoke break rolls around they show up, like clockwork. This person may usually be very generous when they have smokes. Problem is they never, ever, ever do. These things cost like five bucks a pack now. Get your own.

4. Shifty gas stations: Since the price of gas has skyrocketed over the last few months it seems like every single gas station I go to rips me off, without fail. My car has a ten gallon tank. I get gas when I get below an 8th of a tank. That means I should have 1+ gallons left. But every fucking gas station I've been to in the last four months rips me off a dollar or so. A few cents from each person can equal thousands of dollars for the gas station. Fucking bullshit.

5. Itunes:

Apple: Hey, we made it illegal to download music so we could force you to buy the same music but at a crappier quality, plus we control what devices and media players you can use to listen to said music on and how many times you can burn it. We do all this because we can.

Me: Fuck Itunes.

6: Cherehonkees: White middle aged people who pretend they're Native American. I'm like 1/87th Indian myself but I don't walk around wearing a headdress or living in a wampum. You ridicule the cultural identity you profess to hold sacred.

7. People who leave like ten tons of garbage all over the floors of their cars: The guy who eats fast food and stuff and just throws the wrappers on the floor, then they give you a ride and you've got to bury your feet in the shit. God-Damn, clean your stupid car out once in a while.

8. The Mazda "Zoom Zoom Zoom" song: I will never, ever, ever buy a car from these people, just because of that song.

9. People who get all defensive when you insult their favorite band/music/movies/TV shows/Video games: If you are so pathetic that the crap you own, listen to, or watch for entertainment makes up so much of your identity that you actually get angry when someone else expresses a negative opinion of it, then you are beyond help, and should just stop breathing. If what you own defines who you are then you are nothing worth owning. Get bent.

10: Courtroom TV shows: Freak shows for the modern era, featuring the most fucked up people in existence getting yelled at by some stuck up bitch with an attitude. Where do they find these people who willingly expose their pathetic lives to such ridicule? It's TV for rednecks, and it should be destroyed. Anyone who likes these shows is lame.

A MESSAGE TO GOVENOR SCHWARZENEGGER:

(Originally Posted on Hawanja.com on 11/9/05)

HEY ARHNOLD!



Damn, talk about an asswhippin'. For everyone who lives outside of California and thus doesn't give a crap about my wacky state, our Movie star Govenor just wasted fifty million dollars trying to pass six baloney laws written by his Republican handlers. Arhnoldd traveled around the state, lavishly blowing taxpayer money setting up this bullshit election. But then something happened that the Republicans didn't count on, the goddamed people came out and shot all of thier rediculous inititives down! You failed, your attempt to ban abortion failed, your full of crap drug bill failed, your attempt to 86 public service unions failed, but most importantly of all, your attempt to redistrict the state so that the Republicans can take over in next years election failed.

You lose assholes! Sucks living in a DEMOCRACY doesn't it? Who says Government doesn't work?

P.S. HA HA HA HA!

Bush Is In Trouble. It's About Friggin' Time

(Originally posted on Hawanja.com on 10/5/05)


That election in 2000 did a lot to the political landscape in this country. We're a country that usually prides ourselves on national unity, but this time we got to see just how ideologically divided we really are. You all remember the Red/Blue maps they showed after the 2000 and 2004 elections, showing how much our country just hasn't really changed since the Civil war. There were some protests and people throwing eggs at the presidential motorcade, but thanks to a steady stream of softballing in the media for the most part the liberal blue state people grudgingly shut up and went with the program. Because in America civil wars do not break out when people steal elections. There's a good reason for that which we'll touch upon later.

Bush's first term was all wine and roses, and the media treated it as such. Big ass huge tax cut? Passed, no gripe from the media. Destroy all the environmental regulations? Screw up the schools? Invade another country with phony evidence? No problem. Thanks to Rupert Murdoch and his imitators everyone who didn't go along with it never really got their voices heard. All they needed to do to squelch decent was to show the footage of the twin towers being knocked down.

To people like me, people who voted for John Kerry because he represented the lesser of two evils, it seemed like all of our political nightmares had come true. Evil Republicans were busy turning America into a third world country, ruling by fear and ideology, while anyone who stood in their way got sidelined into the junior college lecture circuit.

But the one thing the Bush people didn't count on is this: While people love to see a hero overcome the odds, they love it even more when a hero is brought down. Bush's second term is when it happens.

The conquering war president who flew on the deck of that aircraft carrier with that "Mission Accomplished" banner behind him is suffering his lowest poll numbers EVER, the lowest of any president since they started taking polls. He couldn't get his Medicare package passed. He nominated a complete moron in the guise of Harriet Miers to the supreme court. He dropped the ball when it came to hurricane relief and embarrassed the entire country. Even some of his own evangelical constituents are starting to get pissed at him. Tom Delay is up to his neck in scandal and is pulling every dirty trick in the book to get out of it (such as smearing the prosecutor and attempting to get the judge replaced because the donated to Moveon.org last year.) And it's becoming completely obvious, even to the full of shit media, that his top aides including Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, and possibly Vice President Cheney, had a hand in smearing Joseph Wilson by outing his CIA agent wife.

Hey conservative people, you can't blame the media this time. You assholes own the media. You've owned it for years. From day one the major news networks have gone easy on Bush and his cohorts. And it helps that all the damn radio stations are also owned by the same people. How many radio stations does Fox/Clearchannel own now? Like all of them? So don't let me hear any of you assholes pulling the "Liberal Media" card, because that's a crock of shit. And lo and behold, all the crap we "Blue state people" were yippin and hollerin' about, all the crap you conservatives refused to believe, all of it is now being reported as accepted truth. Like say, there was no connection between Iraq and Al Queda, and the Iraqi agent story meeting with Al Queda in Europe was bullshit. Or that Iraq didn't try to buy Uranium yellow cake from Nigeria (which sparked the whole Valerie Plame scandal that is currently biting the administration in the bootay.) I remember having very heated flame wars over these subjects on various conservative chat boards, yet everyone called me a crank. But now it's reported as true, by YOUR media. I told you so.

And so it appears this administration is on it's way to being throughly humbled, and it's about goddamned time. Bush will finish up his lame duck term, and best case scenario will be too wracked with scandal to destroy anything else. It's refreshing to read a newspaper or go to news website and like, actually read the truth. There's only so much bullshit you can whitewash. So now all America needs to do is whether the neocon storm until they implode upon themselves. Which should be by like, next Friday or so.

That's what you get when you vote with your TV set instead of your brain.

Ten Things I Fucking Hate Part 7

(Originally Posted on Hawanja.com on 9/1905)


1) Celebrities that think since they're rich or good looking that they like matter: I hate celebrities, I hate celebrities, I fucking hate celebrities. Just because you've cut a shitty record or were in a couple of dumb ass movies now I'm supposed to do everything you say? Fuck you.

2) Internet whores: When you spend the better part of the day sitting there mindlessly flipping through links yet absorbing nothing you are essentially circumventing what the internet is intended for. It's supposed to be interactive, meaning you're supposed to be doing shit while you're on it. You know, like talking to people and learning stuff. Not sitting there like a dumbass, staring blankly at low res titties and flaming noobs in forums. You're treating it like it's TV.

3) Body Odor: I never really noticed until recently that most people really do seriously smell awful. There's this one guy at my work we call "Hot Garbage," because he smells like somebody microwaved a hefty sack of refuse. Seriously people, how can you not notice that you smell like total shit? Goddamn, it's called deodorant.

4) Fools who get stupid tattoos: When you are ninety you are going to feel like a dumbass. It's cool with me if looking like a circus freak is your thing. But please, but a little bit of thought into it before you blindly get that tat of Marge Simpson with her vagina where your bellybutton is.

Actually, it's not cool with me. You're fucking stupid.

5) When the cable company plays commercials for the service that you're watching the commercial on: I use Adelphia, because cable companies are one of the few left that have a legal monopoly. Well, except technically they don't have a monopoly because now you can get a satellite dish. So what do I see now every five minutes on my Cable TV, the service I pay $40 a month for? I see commercials for the exact same service I currently pay for. Hey assholes, if I'm seeing this commercial it means I'm already using your service. So what's the fucking point?

6) Women with children who think since they carry this shitmachine around with them then they deserve some kind of special treatment: Look, not my fault your ass forgot to pull out. Now I gotta put up with your bullshit all day. Just because you have a kid doesn't mean you get to drive like a maniac or act like a bitch at the grocery store. Fuck you and your kid.

7. The Verizon wireless "Can you hear me now?" Guy: Goddamn I hate commercials. And nice corporatizing the peace symbol there.

8. Cops who pull you over and lie about it: The other day I got pulled over for not having a front licence plate. Bool-sheeet. Not having a front licence plate is like not signaling to turn when you're in the turning lane, it's such a minor offense that most cops don't even bother. The truth is he pulled me over because it was an opportunity. Look, I know it's your job to find psychos and terrorists and such and I support that, just don't bullshit me.

9. Angry white people who can't wait in line like everybody else: A little story here: I went to a Shlockbuster last week to get a couple of movies. It was Friday night so the place was packed. People in line were starting to get impatient. You know that Frankenstein mentality people get when waiting in line, people start talking shit about how this place sucks and this is why they never come here anymore, yet nobody can explain why they all happened to end up here at the same time or why the line isn't long enough for them to just leave. People like to delude themselves into thinking they have important shit to do. Of course that important shit involves renting fucking movies. I didn't see any of those assholes trying to cure cancer on Friday night.

Anyway, the guy at the front was busting his ass to go as fast as he could. Anyone who's ever worked retail knows you can't just take the customer's money and throw them out the door. They make you do all kinds of other bullshit too, like mention current special deals going on, trying to upsell, etc. That's what working at places like a video store entail, you know, making money for the place and everything. And if you don't do this to every fucking person the boss gets on your ass about it. Anyone who's ever been a clerk knows the drill. That's why they always have kids work these kinds of jobs, because kids put up with all kinds of bullshit that no self respecting person with an education would subject themselves to. And for minimum wage to boot. So anyway I felt sorry for the guy and tried to not get pissed off about waiting fifteen minutes in line. I'm not curing cancer on Friday night either.

So, after about ten minutes this arrogant white lady starts getting all pissy, starts complaining all loud, pissing people off, yelling at the guy to hurry it up. People around her were starting to get very uncomfortable. To make it worse she cuts in front of everyone to bitch this poor clerk out, forces him to take a guy off a break to come out and help her sorry ass so SHE gets to rent her movies in front of everyone else. Then this fucking arrogant cuntbag pulls the "I'm gonna call the corporate office" bullshit, rips the guy's nametag off and demands her rentals for free.

She pissed me off so much that I couldn't take it anymore, so I just walked up behind her and kicked her in the back of the head. Her fat arrogant ass fell like a sack of rice. Then I ground my elbow into her eyesocket. Then I paid for my movies and left while she was still flailing around like a headless fish. The poor clerk looked up at me with tears of "Thank you!" in his eyes.

It seems to be only white baby boomers who think acting like this in public is acceptable behavior. Those kinds of people who've gotten everything they've ever wanted their whole lives, and think the sole reason they exist entitles them to special treatment. I fucking hate my parent's generation.

We should kill them all.

10. Rodents: I don't hate rodents because they're creepy, disease ridden, filthy, or make me cry like a little girl (which they do.) I hate them because they are incredibly, deviously intelligent. Anyone who's had to deal with rats in their house knows how smart those little motherfuckers are. That is why they frighten me, because they know I know I'm onto their plan for world domination. The rodents have to be stopped before it's too late.

It's All Falling Apart

(Originally posted on Hawanja.com on 9/4/05)


I would like to take a moment to offer my condolences and solidarity to the families in New Orleans who have lost loved ones and have had their lives ruined by Hurricane Katrina. We're all rootin' for you and hope you come out of this nightmare safely.

What people are starting to realize is that events like this hurricane are a wake up call for this country. The general feeling we all get is that natural disasters like this are "acts of God," and cannot be prevented or prepared for. Well, the former is true. You can't stop a hurricane. But you damn well can prepare for it.

It is starting to trickle out that federal funding for flood levies was cut last year to free up moola for (among other things) George Bush's tax cuts for the rich and the war in Iraq. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Already all the right wing media assholes are turning into damage control mode in regard to this story. You can tell when an issue is being ignored by the major media when they do stories that report around it, i.e. focusing on logistical facts (as in there are X number of people here, Y number of people dead, etc) as well as doing "human" stories of the "one man's tale in the face of adversity" type. While these kinds of stories are interesting (and are designed to get the ratings by invoking emotional responses) they don't really do much to report on the why of the issue.

The real facts are this is the twelfth storm in the Caribbean to warrant being named this year. Twenty years ago you could expect three, maybe four hurricanes a year, with only one of them being a class five if you were unlucky. Not anymore. Why is that? Why is the weather acting all screwy all over the fucking world? Could it have something to do with, oh I don't know, GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE? Don't you think maybe now that we have massive storms destroying our costal cites every few years that it might be time to listen to what the scientific community has been saying for the last thirty years, that global fucking warming is real and it's time we got our heads out of our asses and did something about it?

Federal funding was cut for the canal and levy system in New Orleans. Hey, maybe that's why they broke down and the whole city flooded. Truth is federal funding has been cut across the board for everything, from health care, education, everything except the military and law enforcement. What we are seeing is the result of our national policies. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that the damage from this hurricane wouldn't have been so great if some time and money were taken to fix up the infrastructure and evacuate all the people, in fact this hurricane probably wouldn't have happened at al if we took Global warming seriously in this country.

There really is no excuse for such widespread devastation in an American city like this. When an earthquake hit near my hometown in Northridge, California in 1994 the power was out for three days. There was looting and rioting, the national guard was called out. A 7.5 earthquake hit San Francisco in 1989 hundreds of people were killed and billions of dollars of damages was there result there too. When that Hurricane hit Florida two years ago there was widespread devastation. But none of those places were allowed to fall into utter pandemonium like New Orleans. Total chaos did not break out, there weren't gangs of drug addicts running around with guns afterward looting and pillaging, and there weren't people breaking into stores stealing food because they were desperate to survive. Because in each of those situations the authorities took the appropriate recovery steps immediately. Don't tell me this situation is different, it's not different. Yes, there is devastation here on a scale that outstrips all of the examples I've mentioned, but that's no excuse. There is no reason all those people had to languish in that stadium for five days without food and water. There is no reason people have to remain stranded on their rooftops and in their attics with water up to their necks. There should have been people there the next goddamned day. It's inexcusable.

Another thing we're hearing is that the people who were left behind were poor and didn't have cars, and thus couldn't' escape. So that's how we treat poor people in this country, just leave their asses behind huh? Don't have a car when the disaster hits? Then I guess it's tough shit for you, huh? It's not like they didn't know this storm was coming. They had a week to get those people out of there. How about commandeering some school buses and dragging those people the hell out of there the day before the storm hit? Another thing we're hearing is that a lot of these people were waiting until Friday (payday) so they'd have the money to travel. Sounds like a bullshit excuse a politician made to cover his ass, and it is. This is horrible and shameful at the same time.

It all adds up to the fact that things are starting to fall apart. The war is taking all of our money, killing our soldiers, and now people here are starting to feel the crunch. One major event like a hurricane has the power to destroy a whole city, to drive gas prices above $3.00 a gallon and fuck up the economy, destroy the 3rd largest port in the nation and throw us into chaos. What would happen if right now there was a major earthquake, or Mt. Saint Helens erupted, or a terrorist attack? What would happen if the Chinese took this opportunity, with our army abroad and our domestic forces in disarray to lob a few atom bombs at us, or say a more realistic scenario, move in on Japan, India, or Taiwan? What if there was a major outbreak of avian flu, or SARS, or some horrible bio-agent some terrorist bastard snuck into the country but was just waiting until we were at our weakest to nail us with it? We're heading straight towards a brick wall in so many ways it's not funny.

Make no mistake, this is not the last time this is going to happen. We're going to see more and more of this, the next time an epidemic strikes it's going to kill thousands instead of a few dozen, the next time an earthquake hits it's going to paralyze a city instead of a mere hiccup, the next time there's a terrorist attack there's going to be nationwide martial law. Because the criminals in charge refuse to take fucking responsibility for their own mistakes and it's starting to get through their heads that the system is going to collapse. But they won't go down without dragging us all down with them.

People are starting to realize our government in it's present corrupt state won't protect them. Notice I didn't say can't protect them, I said won't protect them. Because we have the most goddamned money, we have the best trained people in the world, we have technology so efficient and advanced that no other country can even touch us, our military is so strong and widespread that places like Saudi Arabia are protected by it, yet when the ball is in our court everything fucks up and nobody takes the blame. What the fuck.

Lately it seems people always talk about the future in hushed tones, like "Someday this and this is going to happen. When the shit hits the fan all of us are going to suffer" Here's a newsflash for you people: The shit is hitting the fan right now. It's not going to feel good to say "I told you so" this time. If we don't purge the criminal element out of our government and start getting shit on track we are going to be sorry. Do we have to get to a point where Katrina type hurricanes happen twenty times a year before we start doing something about it?

Fuck Sony: Why I Won't Buy A PSP

(Originally posted on Hawanja.com on 7/29/05)

The PSP is awsome. It looks cool, the games are nice, it's compact, the screen is incredible, plus it's hacakable to do all kinds of cool shit. The day it came out all the guys at the office show up with thier PSPs that they had to wait outside of the store at 6 am to get. I was blown away.

Then why don't I get one? Why aren't I dropping the three bills to partake in the high tech piece of ultra goodness? Why am I writing a page called "Fuck Sony?" Becasue Sony fucking sucks donkey nuts, that's why. Before all the fanboys start complaining, let me explain my particular gripe here with the PSP, proprietary format.

In order to watch your own videos on a PSP you have to encode them on a memory stick. In order to get anything of decent length you'll need at least 1 GB. But the PSP only works with Sony's own propritary line of memeory cards, Memory Stick PRO Duo format. So I've already dropped $250+ on a PSP and games and crap, now I have to spend another $100 on Sony's special brand of memory card to get full useage out of it. Fuck that.

Plus add to the fact that your video has to be in some wierd-ass Sony codec to run. So if I compress a 2 hr movie down to 1GB with Xvid or something, too bad, can't watch that. Sony's own codec only lets you get on about half an hour of video on 1GB. Like one episode of the Simpsons. They don't even include the damn program in with the PSP either, you have to download 4 different programs to do it (Sony's own program costs an additional 10$, bringing the total price of the PSP, 1 GB Memory Stick PRO Duo card, and Sony video encoding program to $310.) Many people have pointed out to me that all the restrictions Sony places on it's PSP in regards to format and security are easily circumvented or otherwise hackable, and anyone with a brain should be able to get around them. That's fine, but the point is you shouldn't have to do all this in order to get full intended usuage. All the other portable media players out there work with many types of memory cards, play many types of formats, I don't have to spend more and more money every time I turn around just to watch an episode of Family Guy while waiting in line at the DMV. What the hell kind of crap is this?

How hard would have it been to make the PSP compatible with any type of memory card? Why can't I use a cheaper card I already own, why the hell do I have to buy thier memory card? That's like me buying a Panasonic DVD player and finding out it only plays Panasonic DVDs. How hard would have it been to include the coding software with the package? How hard would have it been to allow the PSP to use other types of video codecs? It's bullshit.



Fucking Greedy ass Sony.

Judith Miller, Neocon Tool

(Orignially posted on Hawanja.com on 7/10/05, during the hieght of the Valerie Plame C.I.A. scandal)

Even if we win, we lose. Goddammit.

If any of you are regular readers of my little site here, then you've heard me bitch and moan about the injustice done to Valerie Plame, the wife of former ambassador Joseph C. Wilson IV. For those of you who don't know, back before the phoney baloney Iraq war started Wilson gave a report basically stating that the claim that Iraq tried to buy Uranium yellow cake from Niger was total crapola, and somebody in the Bush White House decided to ruin his wife's carrer as a little payback. This was a big deal a few months ago but then everyone forgot about it. Well, let me rephrase that. The media forgot about it. On purpose.

Anyway, it looks like it's back now, with a vengance. I don't know how many people are following this story, what with terrorism, hurricanes, the G-8 summit going on, etc. But it appears now that the reporters who broke the story (and exposed Valerie Plame, thus ruining whatever network she had in place and putting her and the people she works with in extreme danger of retrebution) have been ordered to name the source of the information. And, as our full of shit government doesn't have any journalistic shield laws to speak of (which are usually reserved for the states,) one of the reporters (Time magazine reporter Matthew Cooper) has been given permission by Time to testify, while the other (New York Times reporter Judith Miller) is going to the big house for a few months for sticking to her journalistic guns.

Now you would think this would be good news for those of us who want to see whoever it was that did this *cough* KARL ROVE *cough* out on his ass where he belongs for pulling this stunt. Becasue he deserves it and it's about time somebody in that administration gets held accountable for something. But under closer examination this is bad news for the rest of us for two reasons:

1) It will set precedent that any reporter who breaks a controversial story with an unamed source can be forced to reveal said source, thereby scaring potential whistle blowers and helping dirtbag politicians and corporations get away with even more bullshit.

2) It will enable our slowly-creeping-towards-a-police-state-government to get even more control over the media, like they need anymore that is.

I would like nothing more than to wake up and find who was responsible for the hit job on Valerie Plame on the front cover of the New York times, hiding his head under his jacket as they lead his ass to the slammer. But this isn't the way to do it. This is the same people taking advantage of the situation to get something they've wanted for a long time: Power to prosecute journalists for stories they don't like. This is censorship at it's most direct form.

We're supposed to be fighting terrorists, right? Now, that means in order to hunt them down and kill them we have to like, find out who they are and stuff. That essentially was Valerie Plame's job, investigating the whereabouts and capabilties of weapons of mass destruction in the middle east. It was her job to find out who the damn terrorists were, and if they actually had any suitcase nukes. So you would think it would be a little counter productive to oust her like that. Becasue if she's made public that blows any agents she may have working for her, also any people she might be getting info on, anyone who might be an informant for her, etc, essentially screwing up the whole operation. Why does this matter? BECASUE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FIGHTING FUCKING TERRORISTS, GODDAMMIT! A lot of people tell me to support the troops becasue they're putting thier lives on the line everyday. Well people like Valerie Plame put their lives on the line to make this country safe too, even more so. Then somebody in the Bush White House decides to get even with her husband for telling the truth. And some of you voted for these people.

No doubt I'll get some more e-mail from people calling me a traitor about this, so let me put it in a way even conservatives can understand. Whoever ousted Valerie Plame is the real traitor. Whoever did it not only put her life in danger, but also your life, my life, and everyone else's life also. Becasue without intelligence, there is no war. Without information, there is no place to drop the bombs. Without our intelligence network working at it's full capacity without fear of asshole politicans using their identity for revenge against political dissidents we will never stop the terrorists. We can't kill the terrorists if we don't know who they are. Now do you see why this is such a big deal?

So, getting back on topic, it looks like it will finally come out who the hell is responsible for this is. Good, fuck'em. But the freaky part is that it's being done in such a way that from now on reporters are going to be scared of quoting confidential sources. This is very, very, very, very bad, for all of us. Becasue you won't see any muckracking investigative journalism anymore if everyone is too scared of being sued or thrown in jail to spill the beans. If you have to list and name every source for a story everytime you expose something that certain people won't like and people start getting put away for that, then you're not going to see those kinds of stories anymore. You're going to start seeing "happy" news. News that is inoffensive. News that is positive to those in power. News that doesn't step on anyone's toes. And as a result, news that is completely irrelevant. If you think the media is full of shit now, come back in five years.

The real sad part of all this is Judith Miller. See, she is one of those wacky psyco-right collumnists who beat the drumbeats for war and basically printed anything the necons told her. Now she's sticking to her journalistic principles (which she should do becasue it's the right thing) and those politicians who she trusted so much are taking advantage of her situation to ruin the power of journalists. You'd think that the White House would have her back since she is like one of thier staunchest supporters. Guess that shows the mindset here. Judith Miller is getting the spikey dildo in every which way possible. She's a tool, and is being used like one.

There are going to be larger implications from this. I am making a prediction now, so pay attention (becasue after all, I am right about everything.) Years from now people are going to look back at the outcome of this current piece of political theatre and see that it's the day the media officially stopped being the fourth branch of government. If Micheal Cooper and Judith Miller are forced to name thier sources then it's all over. The media will be officially powerless. All of us out in internet land already know the mainstream media is full of shit, the difference is now they will start acting like it. Expect to see news anchors dressed up like clowns anyday now.

We lose, and the fucking terrorists win. They just blew up London. Maybe if we weren't so busy shooting our own intelligence network in the foot somebody could have stopped them. Good job assholes.

Television Is Dead

(Originally posted on Hawanja.com on 5/15/05, in reaction to the cancellation of Star Trek: enterprise, a day that will live in infanmy for dorks like me.)

UPN has cancelled Star Trek. Goddammit.

Yes, I am a dork. Yes, I watch Star Trek. You know why? Becasue television is so pathetic nowadays that Star Trek is the best show on TV. Yes, I know it's essentially a soap opera with Vulcans, I understand that. I know fat guys who don't get laid watch Star Trek. I know the risks and I took them. I like Star Trek. I am a "Trekker."

But seriously, what else is there on TV that comes even close to Star Trek? Let's take a look at other popular shows that somehow manage to stay on the air instead of Star Trek: Enterprise:

Desperate Housewives: Ugly old white women bitch and moan about how they never get laid. Boring.

Law and Order: A show about Lawyers. Fuck Lawyers.

The Apprentice: Stupid ass reality TV show starring everyone's favorite cardbaord cut-out Donald Trump. Essentially Survivor in an office building. Real original premise there.

Fear Factor: Watch various human rejects get buckets of Amazon trarantulas dumped on thier heads for money. Fun shit.

CSI: Crime Scene Investigations: Supermodels that are waaayy too good looking to be cops go out and use every trick in the Mystery Mobile to solve crimes usually perpetrated by the first guy they pick up. I really like how all these shows have the (now standard) super duper computer that somehow can pick out one microbe from a wheelbarrow of vomit and tie it in to somebody's genetic code or whatever. These shows should be seen for what they are: comedy. Like in every show the bad guy just gives up and admits everything at the end, nice message they're sending us: "We know you did it so when you get arrested just give up becasue we know more than you." At least with Star Trek you know it's fantasy. In real life the cops use computers older than your grandmother, have their heads up thier asses, and usually convict people by the skin of thier teeth. And how many spin-off of this show do we need? Two fucking spin-offs at the same time? So if you just can't wait until next week for your steaming helping of bullshit you can just tune in tomorrow for the exact same show with different people in it? They have a different CSI show for every day of the week. "Comming soon! CSI: Bangladesh!" These shows are rediculous. Fuck CSI.

Everybody Loves Raymond: Everybody loves my anus.

24: Watch how the military industrial complex is slowly turning your beloved country into a police state, starring Kiefer Sutherland, the one actor who keeps getting his movie roles stolen by Kevin Bacon and had to do a TV show instead. Oh yeah, the President's black too. Like that will ever happen. (On subsequent viewings, I somewhat like this show as it's funny to watch Kiefer Sutherland act circles around the rest of the cast. It really shows the difference between someone who gets paid $20 million and the other bozos they got out of Backstreet ads. Plus whenever they torture someone it's cool.)

(Edit: Nov 4th, 2008 - Wow, the President is now black. 24 was right, and I was wrong. I will now watch this show.)

The Amazing Race: Just like Fear Factor except now they fly you to Africa to dig for a marble through a pile of Hippopotomus shit. And once they made them eat a scrambled ostrich egg. Jesus Christ I hate TV.

Lost: Buncha assholes on an Island, and they don't even have sex or eat each other. What the hell else you gonna do on an island if it doesn't involve fornication or cannabalism? Lame.

Survivor: Oh wait, here's a show about a buncha assholes on an Island, but instead of orgies or eating each other they're competing in stupid contests and stabbing each other in the back to win a million dollars. You know what this show is? Bumfights. Bumfights on an Island. Twenty people fucking each other over for donuts, on an Island. Wow, it took some brains to come up with this shit. Fuck Survivor, Fuck Survivor, Fuck Survivor.

Without a Trace: Ohh! I've lost my kid! HHEEELLLPPP MEEEE! Watch as unrealistically effcient police officers hunt down sterotypical child molestor stock characters within two hours while in real life you're better off just having another kid becasue the cops just go out and slap a couple of pictures on milk cartons and call it a day. The funny part is people think this crap is real.

Numbers: Dumbass cop can't get his shit together so he gets his super genius brother to help him becasue he's such a fucking Enstien with numbers he's living in a trailer and not out in Las Vegas breaking the bank at Casinos. Yeah, ok. As you can see I just made up the premise of the show becasue I've never actually watched it. Ten to one I'm not that far off. How's that for some fucking number crunching you morons.

Trading Spouses: My god, television has sunk to a new low. Now it's like Survivor but in your house. And the catch? We switched MOMS on you! Hoooo-boooooy, this is gonna be some FUN SHIT! And you shitheads actually watched this crapola. Please go shoot yourselves.

I could go on and on, but fuck it. Suffice to say that TV is dead, no thought, planning, let alone creativity goes into television programs anymore. Now any dimwit fuckhead with a camcorder just films himself jizzing into the Jello bowl and calls it a "Reality TV show" while the rest are bullshit cop shows that recycle TJ Hooker plots but this time with a comptuer in the background. How about some shows with a little, you know, entertainment involved? You know, shows where the actors like, ACT out parts instead of compete in stupid contests? Am I the only person left on Earth who thinks to be on TV you should have some like, you know that thing people on TV used to have, TALENT?

You know what the worst part of this is? Star Trek got cancelled so they could put Britiney Spears' new reality show in it's time slot. Yup, Miss Spears now has her own stupid ass show, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. And you fuckheads are going to watch it. And buy shit from their sponsors. And propogate the reality show disease for generations to come.

There would have been a time when I would have ended this little sermon with a call to arms to destroy this plauge that infects the airwaves, but I know you dumbasses are too stupid to care. So all of you go and watch Britney and Kevin walk around and go shopping and talk about people you don't know and do stupid bullshit, and I'll play with my Enterprise action figures. Then maybe I'll go masturbate to naked pictures of T'Pal and cry myself to sleep.

Television is now officially dead.

P.S. - You may gather from the above that I don't have much faith in our valued police departments to enforce the democratically instituted laws of our glorious land in a just and professional manner. You're right. I don't.

P.S.S - Britney's dumbass show didn't get past one episode. They cancelled Star Trek for this bitch. I'm glad she went insane.

I Hate Your Kids

(Originally posted on Hawanja.com in Dec. 2003)

You know something? We spend an awful lot of time looking after your kids. I don't mean only parents with children, I mean we, the rest of us in the world without children, we spend a lot of time looking after your kids.

Child labor laws, the movie ratings system, delinquency cops, reckless endangerment of a child, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, the guy who checks ID's at a bar, all the shit that we do, as individuals and a society, to police, maintain, watch over, and keep an eye on your children is immense. Well you know something? I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm not going to pay attention when somebody thinks they deserve special treatment because they have a stupid kid. I could care less about you because you forgot to pull out. The fact that you have a little maggot with legs does not mean that you are some kind of special class of citizen where the normal rules of decency do not apply. I don't care if you're tired or angry because you've been dealing with screaming children all day, not my problem. Next time take some precautions; They are called rubbers, and you can get them at the liquor store.

How many times do you hear about a child getting lost at a mall or some other public place because the stupid lady was too busy looking at waffle irons to pay attention to what their kid is doing? If you are going to bring your little boy outside, LOOK at him once in a while, you know? Like glance in his general direction every couple of minutes to make sure he's not playing with the electrical wires or something. When I was a little toddler my Dad wouldn't take me anywhere unless he kept me within a three foot radius at all times. He did not let me run around like a monster, fucking things up and annoying grown ups.

Another thing is little kids eat like animals. The next time you bring a kid to a restaurant make your kid act in a civilized manner. I used to work at a Burger joint and I could hear a collective "Groan!" from the entire place whenever a family would come in with little children. They are loud. They scream. They cry. They throw shit at each other. They leave a big fucking mess. TEACH YOUR FUCKING KID TO EAT LIKE A HUMAN BEING! That means putting the food in their mouth and not on the floor, chewing it up and not spitting it all over the place, and not taking the crayons and drawing all over the table, or running around the place like an animal and getting in people's way. While I'm at it, CLEAN UP AFTER THE LITTLE PUNK BEFORE YOU LEAVE! I don't give a fuck if you are at a restaurant and there is a guy who has a job cleaning tables, when you leave a big-ass disgusting mess it's just goddamed rude. At least form all the crumbs, used napkins, and assorted disgustingness left behind by your offspring into a little pile or something. Common courtesy folks, I know some of you out there have it.

I'm just sick of people who get all arrogant because they have kids. The kids themselves are innocent; they don't know that acting like a monster in public is bad. They are just trying to have fun. It is your job, as the fucking parent, to teach them how to act when they are around adults. It is not my job to teach your kids, it is not my job to clean up after your kids, it is not my job to look for them when they get lost or kidnapped, it is not my job to keep alcohol or nudie mags out of their hands or to make sure they don't hear naughty words on TV or play violent video games. It is your job, because you're the one that used the rhythm method. You're the one who conceived and gave birth to the fucking thing. The kid is yours, not mine, and I'm not helping you out anymore. Screw you and your stupid kids.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Shut The Hell Up And Let The Fags Get Married

Lately I've been debating Christians on the internet about the pros and con of Gay marriage. Their argument seems to be if we let homos tie the not then it will lead to the destruction of the civilized world (this was on the LOTE forum until I was permanently banned there recently, but luckily I've found a new forum to bag on conservatives.) Problem is that particular forum is censored, so I can't say any bad language, let alone anything overly offensive against Christians else my post doesn't make it. Furthermore they don't tell you it's been 86'ed so it looks like you gave up. Since I have my own website and I can say whatever the fuck I want on it I will now proceed to pick apart the case against Gay marriage, piece by piece.


BULLSHIT LIE # 1: MARRIAGE IS NOT A RIGHT

I could be wrong here but last time I checked they let any moron get married to whoever the hell they want. There certainly isn't an intelligence requirement to getting married. So if it's not a "right," then how come we still let convicted drug dealers, rapists, or serial killers get married? How come we let any kind of human slime get hitched and breed more dirtbags but we don't let an honest, hardworking person who contributes to society get married in a union that will not produce more children? Am I the only one who thinks this doesn't make sense?

It is your right, as a human being, to decide who the hell you want to get married to. No one has the right to tell you otherwise. Used to be back in the olden days that all marriages were arranged, and marriage depended more on trade, commerce, and the family holdings than it did about love. While it might be like that still in Saudi Arabia, it is not in America. In America you have the right to choose who you want to get hitched to. It doesn't matter if your potential spouse it Black, White, Indian, rich, poor, homeless, or even a non-citizen, nobody can stop you from tying the knot.


LOAD OF SHIT LIE #2: Gay Marriage will lead to legalizing Polygamy, Incest, or somebody marrying an intimate object.

Bullshit, nobody who wants gay marriage wants to also legalize polygamy, incest, group marriages, etc. That's a slippery slope argument; The idea the bad thing A leads to bad thing B leads to bad thing C, but it's not always necessarily so. The people who want gay marriage are consenting and (for the most part) responsible adults who just want to marry the person they're in love with and live happily ever after. No one wants to marry their cat, the entire Dallas cowboys, or a box of cereal. It's fucking stupid to think that. If you people are going to make shit up at least think about it for a few minutes.


BULLSHIT LIE #3: WE ARE CONCERNED PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DEFEND THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE AND FAMILY

First off, marriage is not an institution. The New York Stock exchange is an Institution. Focus on the Family is an institution. The Catholic Church is an institution. The local Moose club of funny-hat wearing old men in an Institution. Marriage is a social custom which has thousands of forms throughout the world's history and is not limited by who or what marries you. A marriage by the pope and a marriage at Shotgun Harley's weddings and casino steakhouse hold the same legal meaning. The Modern incarnation of the United States is no different in this regard than the Zulus of 18th century South Africa or the ancient Samaritans, marriage has not suddenly become some immobile, untouchable autocratic monstrosity that is solely defined by a man and a woman in a church with a pipe organ, ring boy, flower girls, and bad reception music.

Second, a "family" is not solely defined by Mom, Dad, and the 2.5 kids. Family includes anyone who is related to you by blood or marriage. So what difference is there between a traditional nuclear family and one that just happens to have two fathers or two mothers? Not much. A family with two gay parents is still a "Family." And as for the people who say that a gay family is not "normal," know what I say to that? Fuck you. Who the fuck are you to say what's normal? Nowhere is there any evidence that doesn't come to of a right wing Christian psudeo-science think tank that says kids brought up by two parents of the same gender will grow up to become serial killers. It's a load of shit, which brings us to or next lie:


FULL OF SHIT LIE #4: CHILDREN BROUGHT UP BY GAY PARENTS WILL BE HOSTILE TOWARDS CHRISTIAN PEOPLE AND WILL KILL THEM IN THE FUTURE:

I know it sounds ridiculous, but this is what these people actually believe. They really do think that gay marriage will breed a generation of young people who in some time in the future will participate in the murder, jailing, rape, and oppression of the wider Christian community. I nearly laughed out loud when I heard this, but I didn't because I was holding my face in my hands in embarrassment. Are you people fucking kidding? Is this some kind of joke? Nobody is going to kill you, nobody is going to throw you in jail, and how the hell is a gay man going to rape your daughter if he's gay? It's just plain fucking stupid. Shut the hell up before you say something intelligent for crying out loud.

What they will do is breed a generation of young people that doesn't buy into the Evangelical give-me-money bullshit, and that's what you people are afraid of. You're afraid that if everyone is suddenly taught from a young age how completely full of baloney people like Jerry Farwell and James Dobson are then suddenly the donations are going to dry up and you assholes are going to have to get real jobs. Then they might get brave and decide to Tax all those fuckers. So don't try to pull the oppression card okay? There's a big difference between removing a poster with the Ten Commandments on it and a bunch of random fucking skinheads beating the shit out of you and lighting you on fire. "Oh, they won't let me do a report on Jesus at school and they teach EVOLUTION and somebody made fun of my "Calvin Praying at Calvary" sticker, oh I'm so OPPRESSED!" Just shut the fuck up. Nobody cares.


BULLSHIT LIE #5: GAY MARRIAGE WILL LEAD TO WIDER INSTANCES OF DEPRESSION, DRUG USE, SUICIDE, ETC.

Bullshit. Every time somebody says this I ask them why, and nobody can give me a good reason. They usually quote some b.s. study done by the family research council or some other reactionary baloney factory. It's just not true. I know that the entire Evangelical Christian movement is based on how many lies they can get away with coupled with how angry they can make you so you'll give them more money, so I don't blame Evangelicals for being short a few nails on the cross. You wouldn't be an Evangelical if you had a brain. Nobody with half a neuron buys into any crap people like the Family Research Council put out. Just remember that the fact that you can believe totally implausible crap with absolutely no proof does not make your convictions stand out more, it just makes you look retarded.

As for drug use, suicide, depression, welfare scams, etc, all that stuff goes in cycles that are more closely related to economic cycles than anything else. That means that rich people usually don't smoke crack or throw themselves off buildings. It's only the poor, desperate people that continually get bootie ranked with the spiky dildo who resort to alcoholism, drugs, prostitution, or a shotgun to the head. And I might add that someone who is in a stable enough relationship to seek marriage usually has a lower instance of said above problems, simply because they have somebody else to slap them in the head when they fuck up. Doesn't matter if you're gay or not.

It just makes me sick to see people who are supposed to be out there preaching love and hope totally shit on a segment of our society simply because their leaders are making money off it. Hey Jesus was an unmarried man who wore a dress all day and hung out with twelve other guys. I bet you Mary Madeline was his fag hag. Did that sentence piss you off? Good, because that's what you're doing to the one final minority that it's still okay to fuck with in our society, the homosexuals. There is no difference from what you say than from the Klu Klux Klan. At least the Neo-Nazis and Skinheads don't try to hide behind God.

Fun With Your Local Video Store

Chances are your local video store is a Blockbuster. Why would you want to cause havoc at Blockbuster Video? Mainly because they suck. Blockbuster is owned by some total religious asshole who has a habit of editing movies without telling people. They cut all the good parts out of the Bad Lieutenant, all the gory scenes out of Peter Jackson's awesome zombie flick Dead Alive, refused to carry the NC -17 version of Showgirls, etc. The thing is that they do not tell their customers that they have chosen to censor their movies, and since when a BlockBuster comes to your town it drives all the other video stores out of business half the time people don't even know they are getting the shit treatment on their video rentals. Also Blockbuster won't carry any movies that don't come from major distributors, so forget about The Toxic Avenger. It annoys me how they have ten billion copies of the exact same shit filling up twenty shelves yet one little section for everything else. BlockBuster is the reason Hollywood sucks so much. Back in the early 80's when VCRs were still a new thing you could film a piece of shit movie with your home camcorder and it would get on the shelf right next to the latest Hollywood big-budget extravaganza. Not anymore. Now your indie film languishes at film festivals where only art-filmy people have access to it while the rest of us are stuck with the latest Batman movie. All because of stupid BlockBuster.

The following pranks could conceivably be performed at any video store, not just BlockBuster. Have fun!

DISCLAIMER: Anyone who actually does any of this stuff is a fool and a moron. I am not responsible for the actions of anyone who does these types of pranks. Not my problem. I do not advocate stealing or property damage in any way. This page is intended for humorous purposes only. If you get caught doing any of this stupid stuff it's your own damn fault. Don't get lawyer happy.

1) While the clerk isn't looking switch tapes and DVDs around on the shelf. Put them into different boxes. Take videos out of the "For sale" section and place them on the rental shelves, and vice versa.

2) Try to rent your movie with your Ralphs or Lucky's rewards discount card, or use Monopoly money.

3) Place ransom notes into video boxes on the shelves, or pictures of supermodels with their eyes burned out with a cigarette.

4) Send letters threatening to boycott them if they don't stock Brutal Anal penetrations part VIII.

5) Get a drink (preferably some type of Ice Blended Mocha with lots of whipped cream) and accidentally spill it all over the place. Say you're sorry.

6) On a Friday night when they're lots of people around dress up in a bunny suit and start to hide Easter eggs in various nooks and crannies around the store. When they stop you tell them you are the real Easter bunny. Act all offended and start screaming "You will never destroy Easter!" Make sure any little children around hear you.

7) Film yourself (or a friend) doing some real disgusting shit, like vomiting onto a pile of shrimp and then rubbing it all over your naked body and having small dogs lick it off, then make a label called "Putt putt's shrimpy adventure" and place it in the kid's section.

8) Record snippets of porn at the end of videos.

9) Get a different store number of another store in your area. Call them and say you accidentally returned your video to their store. They will call the store you rented from and tell them, which will mark your rental as returned. But when your video never shows up the store you rented from will assume it was lost in the mail. Congratulations, you have just Ripped off the item scott free.

10) Get a job at the store. When no one is looking mark all the prices of for sale items down to 1 cent. Then buy them all. Since you are not technically stealing from them they cannot call the cops. You will get fired, but who cares. I know a guy who did this and scored 500 videos for five bucks.

11) Write "Fuck this place" on a piece of paper, then hand it to a little kid and tell them to give it to the clerk.

12) Dumpster diving at video stores sometimes reveals interesting results. Half the time when an item is to be thrown out the clerk people are lazy and don't properly destroy it first. Enjoy your new videos.

13) Call them and claim the video you rented jammed and fucked up your VCR. Demand that they pay for the damages. They will refuse, but you may be able to scam some free rentals off them. Make sure you mangle the tape a little before you return it to them.

14) Have a scratched up DVD and are too much of a cheap ass to buy a new one? No problem. Rent the corresponding DVD, carefully steam away the security strip (be careful not to tear it or make it look altered in anyway. Try holding it over a tea kettle to loosen the glue.) Swap strips with your old DVD and viola! Make sure you tell them the disc was scratched, you might even get your money back from the rental.

15) Really fucked up prank: Put a little bit of chewing gum, sticky resin, blue tack, etc. behind the heads on the video. Next person who rents it will get a VCR damaged beyond repair. Make sure you don't do this to one you rented as they might track it back to you.

16) Take a black marker and draw a big "X" over a dvd. Watch and enjoy. When you return it, claim it didn't work. Clerk will see the X and assume it was an item that was supposed to be thrown out but somehow made it back onto the shelves. 100% refund.