I Hate Your Kids

(Originally posted on Hawanja.com in Dec. 2003)

You know something? We spend an awful lot of time looking after your kids. I don't mean only parents with children, I mean we, the rest of us in the world without children, we spend a lot of time looking after your kids.

Child labor laws, the movie ratings system, delinquency cops, reckless endangerment of a child, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, the guy who checks ID's at a bar, all the shit that we do, as individuals and a society, to police, maintain, watch over, and keep an eye on your children is immense. Well you know something? I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm not going to pay attention when somebody thinks they deserve special treatment because they have a stupid kid. I could care less about you because you forgot to pull out. The fact that you have a little maggot with legs does not mean that you are some kind of special class of citizen where the normal rules of decency do not apply. I don't care if you're tired or angry because you've been dealing with screaming children all day, not my problem. Next time take some precautions; They are called rubbers, and you can get them at the liquor store.

How many times do you hear about a child getting lost at a mall or some other public place because the stupid lady was too busy looking at waffle irons to pay attention to what their kid is doing? If you are going to bring your little boy outside, LOOK at him once in a while, you know? Like glance in his general direction every couple of minutes to make sure he's not playing with the electrical wires or something. When I was a little toddler my Dad wouldn't take me anywhere unless he kept me within a three foot radius at all times. He did not let me run around like a monster, fucking things up and annoying grown ups.

Another thing is little kids eat like animals. The next time you bring a kid to a restaurant make your kid act in a civilized manner. I used to work at a Burger joint and I could hear a collective "Groan!" from the entire place whenever a family would come in with little children. They are loud. They scream. They cry. They throw shit at each other. They leave a big fucking mess. TEACH YOUR FUCKING KID TO EAT LIKE A HUMAN BEING! That means putting the food in their mouth and not on the floor, chewing it up and not spitting it all over the place, and not taking the crayons and drawing all over the table, or running around the place like an animal and getting in people's way. While I'm at it, CLEAN UP AFTER THE LITTLE PUNK BEFORE YOU LEAVE! I don't give a fuck if you are at a restaurant and there is a guy who has a job cleaning tables, when you leave a big-ass disgusting mess it's just goddamed rude. At least form all the crumbs, used napkins, and assorted disgustingness left behind by your offspring into a little pile or something. Common courtesy folks, I know some of you out there have it.

I'm just sick of people who get all arrogant because they have kids. The kids themselves are innocent; they don't know that acting like a monster in public is bad. They are just trying to have fun. It is your job, as the fucking parent, to teach them how to act when they are around adults. It is not my job to teach your kids, it is not my job to clean up after your kids, it is not my job to look for them when they get lost or kidnapped, it is not my job to keep alcohol or nudie mags out of their hands or to make sure they don't hear naughty words on TV or play violent video games. It is your job, because you're the one that used the rhythm method. You're the one who conceived and gave birth to the fucking thing. The kid is yours, not mine, and I'm not helping you out anymore. Screw you and your stupid kids.