Thursday, April 12, 2007

Fun With Your Local Video Store

Chances are your local video store is a Blockbuster. Why would you want to cause havoc at Blockbuster Video? Mainly because they suck. Blockbuster is owned by some total religious asshole who has a habit of editing movies without telling people. They cut all the good parts out of the Bad Lieutenant, all the gory scenes out of Peter Jackson's awesome zombie flick Dead Alive, refused to carry the NC -17 version of Showgirls, etc. The thing is that they do not tell their customers that they have chosen to censor their movies, and since when a BlockBuster comes to your town it drives all the other video stores out of business half the time people don't even know they are getting the shit treatment on their video rentals. Also Blockbuster won't carry any movies that don't come from major distributors, so forget about The Toxic Avenger. It annoys me how they have ten billion copies of the exact same shit filling up twenty shelves yet one little section for everything else. BlockBuster is the reason Hollywood sucks so much. Back in the early 80's when VCRs were still a new thing you could film a piece of shit movie with your home camcorder and it would get on the shelf right next to the latest Hollywood big-budget extravaganza. Not anymore. Now your indie film languishes at film festivals where only art-filmy people have access to it while the rest of us are stuck with the latest Batman movie. All because of stupid BlockBuster.

The following pranks could conceivably be performed at any video store, not just BlockBuster. Have fun!

DISCLAIMER: Anyone who actually does any of this stuff is a fool and a moron. I am not responsible for the actions of anyone who does these types of pranks. Not my problem. I do not advocate stealing or property damage in any way. This page is intended for humorous purposes only. If you get caught doing any of this stupid stuff it's your own damn fault. Don't get lawyer happy.

1) While the clerk isn't looking switch tapes and DVDs around on the shelf. Put them into different boxes. Take videos out of the "For sale" section and place them on the rental shelves, and vice versa.

2) Try to rent your movie with your Ralphs or Lucky's rewards discount card, or use Monopoly money.

3) Place ransom notes into video boxes on the shelves, or pictures of supermodels with their eyes burned out with a cigarette.

4) Send letters threatening to boycott them if they don't stock Brutal Anal penetrations part VIII.

5) Get a drink (preferably some type of Ice Blended Mocha with lots of whipped cream) and accidentally spill it all over the place. Say you're sorry.

6) On a Friday night when they're lots of people around dress up in a bunny suit and start to hide Easter eggs in various nooks and crannies around the store. When they stop you tell them you are the real Easter bunny. Act all offended and start screaming "You will never destroy Easter!" Make sure any little children around hear you.

7) Film yourself (or a friend) doing some real disgusting shit, like vomiting onto a pile of shrimp and then rubbing it all over your naked body and having small dogs lick it off, then make a label called "Putt putt's shrimpy adventure" and place it in the kid's section.

8) Record snippets of porn at the end of videos.

9) Get a different store number of another store in your area. Call them and say you accidentally returned your video to their store. They will call the store you rented from and tell them, which will mark your rental as returned. But when your video never shows up the store you rented from will assume it was lost in the mail. Congratulations, you have just Ripped off the item scott free.

10) Get a job at the store. When no one is looking mark all the prices of for sale items down to 1 cent. Then buy them all. Since you are not technically stealing from them they cannot call the cops. You will get fired, but who cares. I know a guy who did this and scored 500 videos for five bucks.

11) Write "Fuck this place" on a piece of paper, then hand it to a little kid and tell them to give it to the clerk.

12) Dumpster diving at video stores sometimes reveals interesting results. Half the time when an item is to be thrown out the clerk people are lazy and don't properly destroy it first. Enjoy your new videos.

13) Call them and claim the video you rented jammed and fucked up your VCR. Demand that they pay for the damages. They will refuse, but you may be able to scam some free rentals off them. Make sure you mangle the tape a little before you return it to them.

14) Have a scratched up DVD and are too much of a cheap ass to buy a new one? No problem. Rent the corresponding DVD, carefully steam away the security strip (be careful not to tear it or make it look altered in anyway. Try holding it over a tea kettle to loosen the glue.) Swap strips with your old DVD and viola! Make sure you tell them the disc was scratched, you might even get your money back from the rental.

15) Really fucked up prank: Put a little bit of chewing gum, sticky resin, blue tack, etc. behind the heads on the video. Next person who rents it will get a VCR damaged beyond repair. Make sure you don't do this to one you rented as they might track it back to you.

16) Take a black marker and draw a big "X" over a dvd. Watch and enjoy. When you return it, claim it didn't work. Clerk will see the X and assume it was an item that was supposed to be thrown out but somehow made it back onto the shelves. 100% refund.

No comments:

Post a Comment