Wednesday, October 1, 2003

Anime Sucks

Anime (Japanese animation for those of you who live under a rock) is getting stale. It was good about ten years ago. All the bullshit that comes out now is starting to suck my dick.
Anime used to be good. It was cool to see some animation which catered to adults for a change. Nothing like that has been produced in the U.S.A. probably since Ralph Bashki (who made awesome animated classics like Fritz the cat, Cool World, Fire and Ice, Street Fight, etc.) Everything else stateside caters to the kiddy crowd as cartoons are still widely seen as mindless entertainment for children. It was cool in the beginning to see some sex and violence in animated form. Anime movies like Ninja Scroll, Fist of the North star, Vampire Hunter D, Legend of the Overfiend, Akira, Princess Mononoke, or Ghost in the Shell are beautifully animated classic works of art, with enough titties and bloodshed to keep me happy. Even in shows which were supposed to be for kids (Like DBZ or Yu Yu Hakuso) plenty of decent asskicking could still be found. And to some extent the anime style is pretty awesome. But all that is over with now.
Now it's all the same thing over and over and over again. I can sum up the plot and characters of nearly every anime TV show made within the last ten years by using Street Fighter II, DBZ, and Robetech.

The Hero: Ryu/Goku/Rick Hunter - He's a guy with a high moral code who never fights unless it somehow increases his own personal abilities. Sometimes the character is goofy, sometimes he's serious, but he always has brown hair and acts surprised all the time. He has innate abilities which he has only begun to master.

The Rival: Ken/Vegeta/Roy Volker - He's usually cooler, less reserved, and more wild and crazy than the hero. He's the cool breakout character that all the kids get on the lunchbox. He's the guy that acts brashly and gets his ass kicked by the big bad guy at the end, so the hero has to step in. And 90% of the time he's a white guy with blonde hair. If he is goofy the hero will be serious, and vice versa. And for some reason even though the he and the hero may be best friends they end up duking it out from time to time.

The Chick: Chun-Li/Android 18/Lisa Hayes/Lin Minmae - The angry chick who's relative has been 86'ed by the bad guy. She is mad. She wants revenge. She is also the hero's love interest, but it will take them the span of the entire series to hook up. Sometimes she is weak and needs saving all the time, sometimes she is a badass herself, but she will never be strong enough to take down the Big bad guy alone. Also, at some point during the series she takes a shower.

The stupid sidekick: There is usually a weird sidekick thrown in for the kids, which may be a talking dog, robot, little child, or perverted old man.

The Evil Henchman: Sagat/Captain Ginu/Kypron: The big bad guy has at least one evil henchman who wants to test himself against the hero. Unlike the Boss himself, the henchman is usually a scumbag and will cheat or take cheap-shots while the boss would never do that himself. He usually gets his ass kicked pretty badly and usually dies in a large explosion.

THE BIG BAD GUY: M.Bison/Freeza/Cell/The guy with the metal thing on his face in Robotech: This is the big bad boss who runs the criminal organization/alien invasion/top secret government agency which our hero opposes. He will have many underlings which wear uniforms. His underlings will have incredible powers which massacre normal people at the drop of a hat, but they never seem to last more than a few seconds against our hero or the rival. The rival will brashly attack the Boss and get whupped, which allows the hero to step in and kick ass. Unlike his evil henchmen, the boss himself always follows some strict moral code which means that even though he may be ten times as powerful as the hero he will lower himself to the hero's powerlevel in order to make the fight fair, unless the hero somehow instantly powers-up to meet the boss at his own terms. There never seems to be a lopsided fight in anime. The bad guy never just blows the hero away at the first opportunity either, they have to shoot the shit for a few minutes as well. Eventually a fight ensues and if the hero doesn't annihilate him outright (usually once again in a large explosion,) he will let the hero go and leave with a new respect for him, but still vows to kick his ass the next time they meet.

Anime is finished. It's old, it's trite, it's starting to smell like rotted almonds. Stick a fork in it because I'm done with it.