I Used To Give A Shit

You know, I used to care about a lot of things. But now I realize how the universe really works. See, it really doesn't matter what you do, say, how you act, what kind of clothes you wear or how you spend your time. Because really you're not effecting anything else out there to any significant degree.
Most people out there like to think that they are important, at least to some degree. Even the most pathetic waste of human resources in the world, a man with no life, goals, or ambition, who works at a shitty job, picks his nose habitually, and masturbates to naked pictures of total strangers on the Internet (me for example,) even a sorry sack of rodent urine like that has somewhere, locked in the back of the loser subconscious, the idea that in some way he is an important person and that his life has some meaning, some reason, that somehow he might be part of some grander scheme in the mechanical workings of the universe, like maybe he's got some important task to accomplish before he dies, and that he wouldn't be here if that wasn't so. Well I'm sorry to break it to you people (actually, I'm not sorry) but that's total bullshit.

Here, let me put your existence into perspective:

What you are looking at is a picture of a Galaxy, one very similar to our own. We do not have pictures of our own galaxy because it is very big, and it would take a long time to get a camera out far enough to get everyone into the picture. Anyway, most people look at this picture and say "It's a galaxy. Big deal." You have no idea what you are looking at. This thing in this picture is so immensely huge, so incredibly large, so unbelievably mind boggelingly gigantic, that you could never, ever, ever even comprehend how big it is. And to get it into a picture means that it is so incredibly super-duper far away that you could never walk there in a bazillion years. You couldn't fly there, you couldn't take a taxi there, you couldn't even make a phone call there. This galaxy is beyond you in every way possible. There are so many stars in it that you could never count them all in your lifetime. This here is a picture of infinity, and you, as a human being, cannot identify with it, cope with it, or understand it, let alone that half of the blurry dots in the background are also galaxies, each as astronomically immense and a billion times further away than this one. Don't even try.

So maybe you noticed the "You are here" sign in the corner. I made it point at that particular spot because in our own galaxy that's where our solar system is supposed to be. But I suppose it really doesn't matter since the whole thing is beyond my comprehension. I truly cannot comprehend that I am a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot in a universe so vast that that to even look at a photograph of one galaxy out of trillions is beyond my feeble mental capacity. So, like everyone else in the world, I just bullshit myself. Take this little quiz to see if you bullshit yourself to keep from feeling insignificant too:

The "I bullshit myself to feel important" test.

Directions: Print this test, then answer yes or no to any of the following questions. Then, smack yourself in the head because it's a bullshit test and you just wasted printer ink. Why the fuck do printer cartridges cost so damn much? Fuck Hewlett Packard.

1) I am an important person because I have a job that's important and affects the lives of other people. I have responsibilities.	YES NO
2) I am important because I have a family to take care of or friends that love me.	YES NO
3) I am important because I am going to do something that is going to alter history.	YES NO
4) I am important because I am an individual and by definition have a unique life and perspective on everything that nobody else has.	YES NO
5) I am important because I have a cause and a message that will make the world a better place.	YES NO
6) I am important because God has a plan for me and I wouldn't have been born otherwise.	YES NO

If you answered "yes" to any of those questions you have just failed the test. Don't feel bad, it was a bullshit test in the first place. It really doesn't matter. Let me explain why you all just failed and are guilty, along with 99% of the rest of the human race, of bullshitting yourselves.

Here is the answer key:

1) I am an important person because I have a job that's important and affects the lives of other people. I have responsibilities. -Bullshit. Your job does not make you important. Unless you truly possess some kind of super secret knowledge that nobody else in the world has (like say how to turn lead into gold or make the "12:00" on a VCR stop blinking) then chances are somebody else with the same kind of training and education could do your job with no problem. There are maybe three people in the world that fall under this category and I know who they are:

1) Some nameless nobody somewhere in the Microsoft corporate hierarchy who actually does all the work.

2) Some asshole in a smoky back room somewhere who controls the world economy.

3) Whatever dickhead locked away in a secret room in the middle of the earth who lives off of doughnuts and fried pork rinds who actually controls world politics from an outdated Macintosh personal computer circa 1985.

I Know the above people exist because without them nothing in the world makes sense. Anyone who is not them (like say, the other 5,999,999,997 people on the Earth, including the seven or so on the international space station) have jobs that are transitory, at best. Some day they will quit or retire and somebody else will take over. This includes heart surgeons, air traffic controllers, and the President of the United States. Your job means two things: Jack and Shit. Get over it already.

2) I am important because I have a family to take care of or friends that love me. -Bullshit. Everybody has a fucking family. Everybody has fucking friends. Even all you people out there who say "I ain't got no friends," yes you too. If you don't have any friends try turning off Diablo II and going outside once in a while. Thus if everybody has them then they cannot make you important. Don't try to argue, you're just lying to yourself.

3) I am important because I am going to do something that is going to alter history. -Bullshit. When was the last time this actually happened? I can't name one person alive today that has done something to alter history. Maybe whoever first put porn up on the internet, but I'm sure whoever that is has died by now. Nothing you do short of inventing a teleportation device, warp drive, or discovering a new source of free, clean, renewable energy is going to change the world. And you're not suddenly going to come up with the secret of life while eating at McDonalds one day. "Yeah, I want a six piece chicken McNuggets, a large fries, and OH SHIT I'VE DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF LIFE!" Just accept that you're worthless, like everybody else. You'll feel much better that way.

4) I am important because I am an individual and by definition have a unique life and perspective on everything that nobody else has. -Bullshit. Nobody gives a shit about your stupid perspective on life. What are you fucking Socrates? Shut the hell up before you say something intelligent. Let me remind you how many people there are in the world: Six billion. That's 6,000,000,000 different unique individuals with unique perspectives on life, compared to your "1." So clamp your fucking shit trap Mr. Touchy-feely-feel-good-to-act-like-a-pussy man. Asshole.

5) I am important because I have a cause and a message that will make the world a better place. -Bullshit. Your cause doesn't matter. In the grand scheme of things nothing that happens on this tiny flea-speck of a planet is going to effect the universe in any significant way. You wanna save the whales? You wanna recycle those cans? You wanna save the rainforest? The rest of the universe could give a shit if the whales live or die, of if the tin cans pile up into an artificial island, or if all the rainforest on Earth were chopped down to make room for Starbucks stores and strip malls. The rest of the universe wouldn't even notice it if suddenly our entire galaxy just exploded for no reason. It wouldn't even register a tic on the cosmic Richter scale.

Maybe you think that your message is somehow special, and that by getting it out you're somehow going to change the world for the betterment of mankind for thousands of years. Yeah, I remember the last person to say that: Adolph Hitler.

6) I am important because God has a plan for me and I wouldn't have been born otherwise. -Bullshit. If you somehow are essential to the cosmic scheme of things then what about the rest of the six billion people in the world? What's their job? How do they figure into this plan that is some overwhelmingly complex yet rests solely on your participation in it? Does that mean that if I were to suddenly throw a live chainsaw through your window and chop you in half while you were taking a shit that suddenly, I, a lowly mortal, have just fucked up God's divine plan? What if you accidentally choke on a chicken bone? Would God be so short sighted to expend the resources of billions of years to to create the universe, spurn the creation of life, and the eventual evolution of man just so YOU could be born, just to have all that immense time and energy go to waste when you die horribly gasping for air as a wishbone from your Tyson TV dinner slowly cuts off your esophagus? What if you're a loser and don't amount to much, and you spend your time watching soap operas and masturbating in Andy Gumps at monster truck rallies? Is that part of the plan too? Bullshit, there is no plan, and if there is it's so overwhelmingly complex that you can't understand it, kind of like that picture of the galaxy back there. Thus the plan is meaningless and should have absolutely no bearing on your decision making process. If it does, then there's a word for people like you: Stupid.
So what the fuck does this all mean? It means I don't give a shit about you anymore. I'm not important, you're not important. Nothing you or I do really matters. The only difference is that when I spank my chicken I call it masturbation, when you do it you call it life.

In case any of you forgot: