6 Reasons why the Transformers movie sucks

1) The main character is an annoying dumbass: The sole reason main character of Sam Witwiki seems to exist for is to somehow make an ass of himself or be made an ass of in front of hot chick Megan Fox. This includes:

- Making an ass out of himself in front of her at the park.

- Making an ass out of himself while driving her home.

- Making an ass out of himself while falling off a pink bicycle in front of her.

- His parents making an ass out of him while discussing his masturbational habits while she's in the room.

Now, in a movie about giant transforming robots, belief has to be firmly suspended from the beginning. However, expecting me to believe that a girl this hot would ever settle for a broke goofy baldy headed loser is just asking too much.

2) More plot holes than swiss cheese: Granted, when your movie is about giant transforming robots a few things can be forgiven, like the fact that they even bother talking in the first place. However this movie seems incapable of progressing for even five minutes without asking us to believe truly implausible, inane, and sometimes ridiculous "plot points," such as:

- Sam's father seems to think that two small earthquakes are capable of completely destroying his entire yard, including reducing his stone water fountain to rubble. This is despite the fact that there is no significant damage to the inside of the house. Yeah that makes sense.

- Sam and Mikela instantly trust that Bumblebee is there to protect them, even though Sam was running away from Bumblebee in panic less than five minutes beforehand.

- No one seems to really be astounded or even freaked out that giant transforming robots even exist. Our heroes are quickly able to asses the situation and act accordingly instead of reacting like a real person would, i.e. running away screaming their fucking heads off.

- Even though they are sentient robotic entities comprised of technology that eats ours for breakfast, the Decpticons are required to invade a heavily defended air force base in Qatar to forcibly break into the DoD's mainframe. Apparently they've never heard of free Wifi access points.

- The second attempt the Decepticons make involves sneaking into Air Force one to break into computers located in the Pentagon (um... okaaayyy...) As Frenzy the Decepticon is busy downloading defense secrets, the DOD comes to the conclusion that the only way to stop thievery of said secrets is to "cut the hard line," even though the intrusion is located on an airplane currently 5000 feet in the air. Must be those extra super secret DOD hard-line enabled wireless routers.

- Megatron is supposed to have been frozen in ice for the last 80 years, however he speaks fluent English the moment he's thawed out.

- The first half of the movie involves the Autobots and Decepticons looking for Sam to get his grandfather's glasses, which somehow have Megatron's co-ordinates imprinted on them (how they would know this is not explained, but this is fantasy here, so whatever.) So, Optimus gets the glasses, finds the co-ordinates in the Arctic, and moves out. However it turns out Megatron is in fact being held under Hoover dam by "Section 7," (which is this Men-in-Black type organization that is under the direct command of the President, even though in real life not even the President has high enough clearance for the really secret stuff,) and thus the Decepticons attack. Suddenly the Autobots are there to fight them, even though five minutes before they were on their way to Alaska. No explanation is given as to how they found out Megatron's true location.

- All of the Autobots speak English to each other while conversing privately instead of their native robot language. The Decepitcons talk in robot hieroglyphic subtitles (which is actually pretty cool,) but feel the need to use English also as soon as Megatron shows up.

- The team that cracks an alien code is made up of stoners and hippies with one really hot blonde chick, becasue we all know signal experts double as runway models.

- The hot blonde scientist, against all logic, decides to illegally copy the information to enlist the "world's greatest Hacker," who is a big huge fat black guy that plays Dance Dance Revolution. Big fat black guy is somehow able to not only decipher said alien signal in like 30 seconds, but also somehow instantly becomes an expert in alien languages. She does all this to great personal risk to her freedom when it is quite possible that said DDR expert could just have been enlisted illegitimately if she just would have asked.

- Immediately after deciphering this advanced signal that the entire NSA and Pentagon are unable to scratch with their advanced supercomputers in mere seconds from his home pc, the FBI suddenly smashes through the house in Gestapo fashion, as if they were able to track the hot scientist's whereabouts simply by the fact that she uses a computer.

- Fat black guy is such teh h4X0r that he is able to somehow take old, dusty WWII era radio equipment with cobwebs all up on it and interface it with a modern PC monitor, all with just a screwdriver in under five minutes.

- Entire city blocks are reduced to rubble in the climatic battle in front of hundreds of witnesses, yet the United States military is somehow able to effectively cover everything up.

- Speaking of said cover up, after the end battle instead of confiscating and studying the alien robot bodies that represent technology thousands of years in advance of our own, the military instead decides to dispose of them all into the the world's deepest ocean trench. Like that would ever happen.

3) The robots are stupid: Don't get me wrong, this movie has quite possibly the best special effects of all time. However all the SFX doesn't change the fact that the Autobots are ridiculous stereotypes. It's when they start talking that the whole illusion is ruined and you remember this movie was written with merchandising in mind. Any line delivered by an Autobot who isn't Optimus Prime is cringeworthy - this includes Ratchet remarking that Sam's pheromone level is such that he wants to "mate with the female" (thereby making an ass out of him in front of the girl yet again, see item #1,) Jazz saying "bitch" and acting all gangsta (ugh!), and Bumblebee "lubricating" the Section 7 agent (shoot me now please.)

The Decepticons on the other hand get zero screen time even though each one is ten times more bad-ass than any of the Autobots combined. Megatron himself gets less than five minutes of screen time - pretty pathetic for the movie's arch villian. Starscream, who is quite possibly the third most recognizable character from the cartoon, gets one measly line, and they didn't even try to make his voice sound the same as the cartoon. Lame.

The one robot that gets the most time in the spotlight is Frenzy, who is not only somehow also able to regrow his entire body after being decapitated, but is also able to casually stroll off of Airforce one in front of hundreds of patrolling soldiers and secret service agents - and no one notices.

4) Reason #4: It didn't have Shockwave in it: How you gonna make a Transformers movie without Shockwave, the baddest Transformer ever? If I was making this movie the whole thing would be Shockwave stomping robot guts out for three hours.

5) The whole movie is one giant propaganda piece for the Department of Defense: I realize when part of your budget is supplied by the United States Military that means they get to approve the way they are depicted in your movie script (see Top Gun and Black Hawk Down.) However here it goes to ridiculous lengths. The Secretary of Defense character - obviously patterned after Donald Rumsfeld, down to the glasses - is depicted as like, actually taking civilian lives and international repercussions into his decision making (HA!) I mean, talking giant robots I can accept, but let's be realistic here.

In another scene with the aforementioned Sector 7 where just as the Decepticons begin their attack on the secret base, the ordinary soldiers from Qatar - for some reason that defies all logic - decide to go mutiny because Sam the horny kid wants to "see his car," even though none of the military characters would have any reason at all to believe at this point that this particular captive giant robot would want to help them at all. It's turns out the whole scene is set up to give the Secretary of Defense the line "You better listen to them, they don't like to lose." Suck, suck, suck that Army dick, Micheal Bay.

Micheal Bay chose to portray the President as a useless imbecile, completely out of the loop, munching on Ding-Dongs while other people make decisions for him. So the movie is not completely unrealistic.

6) The rest of the movie is a commercial for something else: Apparently there was plenty of room left in Micheal Bay's mouth after the DOD got finished. Obviously the Autobots are mere walking commercials for General Motors (Chevrolet, Pontiac, GMC, Hummer, etc.) But they're not the only ones, the whole rest of the movie is jammed full of product placements including (in no particular order:)

- Burger King
- Nokia
- Ebay
- Paypal
- Pepsico
- Xbox 360
- Hostess
- Yahoo

This is just the stuff I can remember off the top of my head, which isn't hard considering these placements aren't the subtle, show an ad in the background type from other movies. These ads are in your face - Ebay is mentioned several times by main characters and even has a phony listing take up the whole screen for several seconds. The various cars aren't just shown off, they get more screen time than the robots do in robot form. During the part where the Autobots are looking for vehicles to transform into the movie essentially turns into a smorgasboard of GM commercials, even going as far to show a GMC dealer with prominent showroom.

Why are product placements such a big deal? When done correctly (i.e., not shoved in the audience's face,) I agree that they can sometimes make a movie seem more "real." However when you spend half the damn movie showing various cars and how cool they are and gee these same cars are available for purchase at the dealer across the street, then it quickly becomes apparent you're not actually watching a movie. Product placements are advertisements you actually pay to watch - Watch while you suck, suck, suck on Micheal Bay's commercialized dick, then suck it some more when you buy the DVD, t-shirt, candy bars, action figures, and featured automobile as Bay shoots his load all the way to the bank.

Besides all this the movie ain't half bad.

Hunters are pussies and should be shot

I hate hunters, I hate hunters, I fucking hate hunters. What is this need to blow the brains out of an animal from hundreds of feet away? What is the "need" being fulfilled here? What is the desire that causes people to do this? Is it for food? Is it for the "sport?" Or some kind of arcane mountain man tradition? Bullshit. There is only one reason to go hunting- because you're a sick asshole who gets his jollies off of killing something. Other people may try to dispute that, but they are wrong. 

It's obviously not for "food," unless you live so far off in the middle of nowhere that you absolutely must shoot deer and crap to survive - maybe if you're in the fucking jungle or something. But in this country your redneck-ass is never more than five miles away from a McDonalds (probably the same one you work at) so don't give me this shit about hunting for "food." 

Some people like to delude themselves and pretend that there's no difference between hunting and slaughtering a cow on a farm or something. But once again we see the argument doesn't fly - Cows and chickens are bred to be slaughtered, we make no illusions otherwise. If we let them go into the wild they would starve by the thousands, because we've bred away their natural survival instincts. Wild animals on the other hand are out there minding their own business and would be just fine if we would stop periodically invading their habitats and blowing them away. 

"Look here my good man," you may say, "We have to cull the herds because of overpopulation." Ahh, since we killed all the wolves and mountain lions and other wild predators now it's our duty to go out and blow away a bunch of deer to keep them from overgrazing and thus starving to death. True, true, populations must be managed. But we wouldn't have this stupid problem if the fucking rednecks hadn't killed all the predators in the first place. So, how about we start a program to bring back the predators? Reintroduce wolves into these areas, to naturally cull the deer? Set aside wilderness areas where these animals can live? Unlike human beings, animals will find a natural population balance in a given area (eventually.) It's only with human intervention that the balance gets all screwed up and we have to do shit like club baby seals. 

"But but but-" you stammer on, "If we reintroduce wolves then people will get eaten!" True, true, so here's how you stop that: DON'T LET PEOPLE GO INTO THE WOODS WHERE THE WOLVES ARE! Don't let hikers and hippies and shit walk around in nature preserves where they could get eaten. That's why they're called "Nature Preserves," because fucking nature is supposed to be fucking preserved in them, not made into entertainment venues where people can walk around leaving their juice bottles and candy bar wrappers all over the place. We don't let people walk around in Grizzly bear country, do we? Make separate parks and shit without wolves and let the hippies walk around in those. It's not like this is rocket science. 

One guy told me he had to hunt, because he lived off in the middle of the woods, and bears and wild asses and crap would go through his garbage and invade his house from time to time. Know what I say to that? MOVE. Get out of the woods. If you live in an area where there are lions and tigers and bears and shit, then move the fuck out of that area. YOU DO NOT BELONG THERE. I don't see what's so hard to understand. 

Around here we have a problem with mountain lions. Every year they encroach a little bit further and build houses and stuff inside the territory of these animals, then everyone complains when the lions come down and start eating neighborhood dogs and kitty cats and everything. But no one ever brings up the fact that this wouldn't happen if people stayed out of the woods where they didn't belong. These animals need space to live, and if we take that away from them then they'll start their own hunting parties in our streets and backyards. It's called "ecological balance" people, that thing the Republicans say they believe in but do everything to destroy. 

Then we have the "sporting" aspect. Well, let's think about this: How sporting is it exactly, to take a machine capable of firing bullet with such force as to rip through the body of any organic creature that has evolved on this Earth with lethal force, and then go shoot a little animal from a hundred yards away? That's not a sport, that's target practice. If you want to shoot a gun then go shoot it at a shooting range, don't go snipe a bunch of endangered Red-Footed falcons you fucking assholes. Go shoot at a paper target, not at something that's alive. I submit to you that dunking a basketball, hitting a home run, driving a souped up race car, or even hitting a fucking golf ball is way more "sporting" than taking a high powered rifle and blowing the brains out of a duck or goose or something. You know what? Even a marathon night of Halo is more sporting than that shit. At least then someone is keeping score. 

Then you get these backwards shitbags who somehow think that hunting is part of "being a man," like real men have to go out and pown little quails and shit with sniper rifles as part of some dumbass tradition - complete bullshit. If you want to go kill something like a "man," then don't use a gun. Go out there with a Rambo knife. Make a sharpened spear with your own two hands and skewer a deer with it. Go out and face down a 500 lb bull elk caveman-style with a couple of sharpened rocks. It's not a sport unless you're in danger of serious injury - buying a three ton Giant hog then getting your 13 year old son to shoot it on your own land and then passing it off like the kid actually caught it in the wild ain't "sport,"and it ain't teaching him anything except how to be a fucked up, beer-guzzling, wife beating, gas pumping redneck. You want to teach him how to be a "man?" Throw the kid out there Spartan style, butt-naked with a sharpened stick for 30 days and make his ass hunt to survive, that'll make him a man alright. Or better yet, why not buy the kid a laptop instead of a shotgun? You know, get him an education so he can actually make something of himself and not have to kill shit to feel like he belongs? Being a "man" is about learning responsibility and making a living, not shooting a fucking giant pig then passing it off like a "hunt." 

"This fucking tree-hugger has never been hunting" you may be saying. "He doesn't know what it's like." You're right, and you know what? I don't want to know. I don't really care. It sounds like six inbred yokels standing around sucking beers and shooting in every direction. Fuck that. Yes, you're right, I am a close minded asshole. Now hurry up and sweep up those yard trimmings. I don't pay your ass to stand around. 

So, every time I hear about some chinless backward buttfuck country boy getting mangled by a Grizzly or shot in the face by the vice president, I smile a little deeper in the inside. You don't want to get shot? You don't want to get eaten? Then stop fucking hunting. YOU DO NOT BELONG THERE. It's not too late to join the 21st century with the rest of the world.

Giraffes are just too damn tall.

Naurto and Kindgom Hearts guy iz teh Pownerz

This piece was done as a test on Deviant art - a friend of mine has this theory that anything with Naurto or Sora from KH will automatically generate pageviews. Thus this piece has Naurto shooting smack and eating the brains out of a pygmy while lighting a flag on fire with a bible while Sora stomps on an orphaned baby and bootie ranks Naurto with the oversized key thing while smoking a phatty boombatty blunt. I tried to work in them kicking a pregnant lady but it just wasn't possible.

I've never even played Kingdom Hearts.

The Backhand of God

God plays a killer tennis game.

Fatal System Error

Damn you Windows....

GET OUT OF CREDIT CARD DEBT

Do you use credit cards? Are you a recent college graduate? Are you between the ages of 18 to 35? If so, chances are you've got a healthy amount of debt. Don't feel bad; The national average is around $8,000 per person, although truth is most people probably have a lot more, in fact I don't think I know one person with less than ten grand to pay off, not friends, family, no one. Except myself that is; It took me five years of living like a pauper but I finally paid it all off and now I get to live free. Read on if you want to live free too.

First step is Get rid of your credit cards: Cancel them, cut them in half, never use them again. Credit cards are the number one reason why so many people are in such ridiculous debt. Thing is they're designed to get you to max them out so you end up spending way more than you could ever actually pay off. They present them in such a way that people think they're getting free money, when in fact what is going on is when you use them you're spending your money that you have not earned yet in the present. Thus, the more you use them, the greater your debt becomes, the less of your money you get to spend in the future. They do this on purpose. They lure people in with low interest rates under some false illusion that it'll always be that way, then after a certain amount of time the rate shoots up to to 29% or whatever ridiculous level it's at now. Add to this all the other bullshit charges they throw on there when you're not looking, late fees, annual fees, your-momma-says-you-ugly-fees, etc. American Express actually tried to charge me $20 "Processing Fee" during a month when I didn't spend anything on the card, almost like a "Privilege of owning the card" fee. Then you notice that the minimum monthly payment is actually less than the interest rate - so in fact you end up owing them for the rest of your life, and if you follow their rules you'll never ever pay it off.

As far as I'm concerned it's all part of a highly sophisticated confidence scam. They prey on college kids and young adults who don't have much experience with this sort of thing, get them to spend away their future, then own them their entire lives so for years and years they end up paying thousands of dollars in interest on shit they don't even remember anymore. I got my first Credit card when I was 19 while in college, because the guy that was running the table was giving away free Slinkys to anyone who signs up. I didn't even want the card, I wanted the free toy (because Slinkys are cool.) Nowadays they even give them to children as young as 16 who don't even have jobs, as long as they have a bank account. Nice way of making financial slaves out of America's young people.

Well fuck that! Don't use them! I know it's hard to do, it's almost like we as a population have been conditioned into thinking paying 29% a year on a bag of potato chips is an acceptable thing. It's one thing to buy a new computer or some other expensive, big ticket item that you otherwise could not afford and then pay it off religiously, but most people don't use credit cards that way. Some people have gotten into such a hole that they depend on their credit cards to buy essentials: Gasoline, groceries, medicine, etc, and it may not be so easy for them to stop.

Well, how bad do you want to get rid of your debt? Do you want half your paycheck to go to paying stupid credit card bills for the rest of your damn life, or do you want to take control and do what you want with your money? If you're carrying a large amount of debt the only way you'll ever pay it off is to go without for the time being. Sorry, but that's how it is. There's no easy way to get out of it, it's going to take a lot of work, a lot of sacrifice, and a long, long time, but in the end it will be worth it.

First off you're never going to get rid of that debt if it keeps growing by 29% every month. So cancel all of the cards, ALL of them, so that way you stop incurring interest. Some companies however don't allow this and will keep charging you interest anyway (some of them like Sumitomo, American Express, or God Forbid, Cross Country Bank are real assholes about it) in that case then transfer the balance to a different card with a lower interest rate. You can also call the companies and politely ask for a lower interest rate, especially if it's a card you're had for a long time and don't have any late payments on. Pull the "Dissatisfied Customer" routine, and start quoting rates from other companies, they'll cave in (It's also a good idea to call and dispute any weird fee you see on there, half the time you can get them to take those off also.) The goal is to keep your interest rate to a low level so you're able to pay off the card faster than the interest incurs. Once this is accomplished sit down and figure out budget, a real budget that allows for emergencies and such, and find out exactly how much you can pay every month.

Now this is the hard part: Actually pay them off. Stick to it, choose the card with the smallest balance and pay it off completely, then work your way up the line until you've only got the card with the largest balance left. Thing is as you pay off each card then that much more of your monthly income is freed up, whereupon you can either save this extra cash or throw it in with your payments to get it down that much quicker. Also as the cards get paid off you may find that suddenly your credit score will increase by leaps and bounds, and you start getting credit card offers in the mail nearly daily. These companies are like wolves, they can smell your extra disposable income. Do not give it to them. Resist the temptation and throw those offers away.

Now let's fast forward a few years and assume you've managed to get it down to the one or two cards with the largest balance. Go to your bank and take out a personal loan, then pay off the largest cards in one fell swoop. If you've been sticking to your plan your credit should be good enough now to do this. This way you'll be paying a livable 5% to the bank instead of 29% to the stupid thieving credit card company. And you'll notice that a bank loan actually goes down every month when you pay it and is actually something that you can pay off within the foreseeable future.

That is essentially what I did to get out of debt. In my own case I was nearly $10,000 in the hole, I paid it down to the last card with a $3,000 balance, took out a loan for that, and had the loan paid off within two years. Yes it took five years of my life being totally broke and not having any fun with my money, but today I actually get to spend my paycheck in the way I see fit. Yeah, I'm not rich, in fact I'm at the lower end of a middle class income, but I'm not living like a pauper. Since I'm not shelling out half my paycheck to these thieves suddenly I've found myself with all kinds of purchasing power that I just didn't have before. I've bought a new car, kept a decent computer going with new stuff now and then, bought a nice 40 inch plasma flat screen TV, and I'm able to keep a month's pay with expenses in the bank. Last year I applied for an apartment and got accepted ahead of four other people because since I paid off all the cards my credit is fantastic. All of this without credit cards.

You can do it too, all it takes is some determination. Take control of your life, throw out the credit cards. Do you want them to own you forever?

Why won't white people shut up about illegal aliens?

Since when did the most important issue in the entire country suddenly become stopping illegal aliens? Did I fall asleep for a few decades and miss something? Last time I checked these people had been coming here for years, and contrary to what you hear on Clearchannel owned radio stations for the most part all they do is work (a lot harder than white people who have the same jobs do I might add, and I know that from personal experience.) Fact is all of this anti-illegal alien hubbub comes out of hate mongering racists groups, of which the right wing takes advantage of for their own ends. It's been that way for years, and this current debate over the latest immigration bill is no different.

Some people out there would take issue with that last statement, but I beg to differ. If you listen to the ring wing pundits or visit websites like Save our State you'll see the same arguments that come right out of the Klu Klux Klan, with less offensive language of course. Let's take a look at some of the arguments the Minutemen crowd uses to promote wacky ideas like building a 700 mile fence or putting land mines on the border:

1) Illegal immigrants take jobs from Americans
2) Illegals end up costing us money through using our social programs (health care, education, etc.)
3) Illegals spread crime and gang violence
4) Open borders allow "Other Than Mexicans" in enter, which could include terrorists
5) The current wave of illegals is part of a "Reconquista" conspiracy to take back lands lost in the Mexican-American war (not making this up.)

1) Illegal immigrants take jobs from Americans: Bullshit. First off any economist will tell you that the job market for an area will expand as the population for an area increases. More people means more demand for goods and services, thus more jobs. That's how capitalism works. You lose jobs when the corporation that owns the local factory packs up and decides to move to South America or China, i.e. when a lot of jobs are lost at once. Situations like that lead to entire areas folding up shop and turning into ghost towns. But no community in the country has ever been "decimated" by an influx of immigrants, if anything the local economy only benefits.
Let's also be realistic about what kind of jobs we're talking about here - We aren't talking about an illegal alien sneaking over the border and taking an $80,000 a year vice president position away from you. The jobs these people do are crap jobs. Picking strawberries. Doing laundry. Washing dishes. Cleaning toilets. Washing cars. Day labor. Jobs that are done for minimum wage, lower in some instances. Jobs that Americans do not want, and if you don't think so just look at Colorado.

What these racist bastards forget to tell you is that our economy needs this pool of cheap labor to function. You can't pay someone who picks vegetables $17 bucks an hour with benefits, else your cabbages are gonna cost $50 a head. Why do you think they're even bothering to write an immigration bill in the first place? Because the thieves in Washington know we need these people. Do you really think the senate or the president gives a shit about illegal aliens? Hell no. But they know we need the cheap labor, and they know Americans won't do these jobs.

2) Illegals end up costing us money through using our social programs (health care, education, etc.): Bullshit. We have no social programs anymore. Thanks to that dumbass president you assholes elected and his cadre of oligarchs there is no "safety net" in this country worth a fuck. Good job shitheads.

Or maybe you're talking about "public schools" as a social program, (since when did that happen?) True, we will have to pay more for the extra population. However, since these people will be legal, then that means we will legally have added tax revenue, thus any increased public expenditures will be offset. According to the John and Ken show (who are two L.A. radio personalities who won't shut the hell up about illegal aliens, day in and day out. Talk about staying on message,) even those two assholes had to admit on the air that we'll see a net gain of $8 billion dollars to our economy over the next decade. So there.

3) Illegals spread crime and gang violence: You're kidding, right? I find that people who say baloney like this usually tend to live in areas where there is not a significant Latino minority population, Orange County for instance. Truth is crime levels are on the decline in most parts of the country, have been for years. Search FBI.gov if you don't believe me. The public perception of such crimes however has increased. Thanks to the damn media you'd think our country was being overrun by drug dealers, kidnappings, and car jackings, but it's just not true.

Even here in Los Angeles, which is on the front line of the immigration "problem," violent crime has remained at about the same level as it's always been. True there are parts of the city I wouldn't walk around in at night, but it's always been that way. I can tell you that it's a lot better than it was fifteen years ago - you don't see the same kind of gang activity in the inner city that you did in the early 90s. Oh the gangs are still there, but they're not wasting their time mugging people and knocking over liquor stores (for the most part.) They're doing stuff that makes them real money, like selling drugs. And when they do kill people it tends to be each other, which is fine by me.

Which brings me to the "cross border gangs" angle. Hmmm... well this is a problem. There are gangs sheltered in border towns that regularly smuggle drugs and people back and forth. However, I submit that such gangs really could give a shit about whether or not they have a green card. In fact I would say that this particular problem has nothing to do with an immigration bill. If you want to stop the drug smuggling, then get the cops to go after the drug smugglers. Infiltrate the gangs. Shoot down those cocaine smuggling planes on sight. Find those cross border tunnels and seal that shit up. But don't waste time raiding your local Mexican restaurant looking for drug mules, because you won't find them.

4) Open borders allow "Other Than Mexicans" in enter, which could include terrorists: First off, who said anything about opening the borders? The border is patrolled by an army of cops and immigration officers, too many people want them there, and since this is a democracy then fine, we have to allow it. I won't even complain about that ridiculous 700 mile fence idea (even though I know it won't work.) If you right wingers want to delude yourselves into thinking that'll stop these people and make the country safer then who am I to interfere. But I submit to you that all of the hijackers responsible for the 9-11 attacks were all here on legal visas, none of them snuck over the border disguised as a day laborer.

Is that kind of thing happening now? Is there really an army of Al Queda operatives swimming over the Rio Grande? I don't know. The only sources I can find for such "terrorist activity" come from ultra-right wing websites which I tend to hold as unreliable. Usually when a site like Save our State or the minutemen claims something like this it turns out to be bullshit. But one would think that this would be a reason to support immigration legislation even more, precisely for the reason that it allows us to screen those coming over legally. Then if we actually catch someone crawling through the sewers, we can process them way more efficiently. Just seems to make sense to me.

5) The current wave of illegals is part of a "Reconquista" conspiracy to take back lands lost in the Mexican-American war: This is a joke, right? Why do fucking people believe shit like this? I just cannot take this shit seriously. I know you've heard some racist fuck utter this inane bullshit before: The "conspiracy" is that all of the Latinos are coming over here in order to one day "breed us out," so that eventually they'll have a majority in our country and will vote the western half of the United States back into Mexico. They call it the "Aztlan" theory, based off of the writings of one insignificant Mexican revolutionary group in the 60's. Sorry, but that's the biggest steaming load of horsehit I've ever heard. It's like saying all black people want to overthrow the government because of the Black Panthers or something. Total fucking crap, and anyone who believes it is a moron.

Thing is you hear this same kind of "out-breed them" crap all over the place, about nearly every minority group. Christian preachers are saying this about Muslims, that they're going to overtake us in America by their high birth rates and turn America into a Islamic Fascist country. Five years ago they were saying the same thing was going on in Europe. A hundred years ago they were saying this about the Chinese - that they'll breed like flies and take over the country, that they live off an egg and a bowl of rice a day and there's no way an honest white man can compete with them. It's all racist bullshit that came straight out of the Klan, and it's only there to divide people. It's what happens when white people get scared.

There is an immigration problem, and some of the questions these people raise may be valid. Illegals in the country right now are exploited on a daily basis and should have the same protections everyone else has. Drug smugglers and organized crime perforate though our border with their little packages like it was swiss cheese. I'll even give them that there is a possibility that very bad people may be sneaking over the southern border, planning to do dastardly things involving large explosions and loss of life. But don't try to tell me Paco the busboy is responsible for this. All he wants to do is better his life, you know, that thing that people come to America for. Or did you forget that?

Ten Things I Fucking Hate Part 10

1)Overpriced health food stores - Why is it when you go to a "healthy" grocery store like Whole Foods or Trader Joes, everything you buy is twice as small and costs three times as much? I can understand fruit and vegetables, but soap? Canned soup? Crackers? Screw these places.

2) Anti-trendy people who think they define the counter culture - The idea that the music you listen to or how you dress makes you "cool" is pretty lame, but some people never seem to outgrow this attitude. For example, everyone respects Marylin Manson for his highly intelligent views on various issues, yet no one will be caught dead actually listening to his music for fear of looking like a "poser." Same deal with these "pure" death metal people who refuse to listen to anything with electronic instruments (keyboards, samples, etc.) You would think most people would outgrow this baloney once they grow up and start working for a living, but they don't. Such hypocritical, immature, shallow, illogical bullshit. Like what you listen to means jack shit to anyone, or ever really did in the first place.

3) Women who get drunk and all flirty but the next day become all embarrassed and stand offish - If I didn't respect women like 99% of all other males out there I would probably get laid way more often.

4) Flash based web advertisements that open up and cover the whole screen - Since they're flash based they usually get past the pop-up blocker. Then they make the "X" to turn them off all small and in the wrong place, so half the time you accidentally click the ad itself and get redirected. There otta be a law.

5) People who parrot shit they read on reactionary blogs like it actually means something: So many examples of this, so many... One thing I hear all the time is that "Liberals lack substantive thought" in their arguments. What the hell do these bastards mean by this particular piece of doublespeak anyway? What, like a thought that "means nothing?" Bullshit. Here's what a non-substantive thought looks like:

khsdfk; lkadjfkljd ienfkn ke'ofieflds dkfasdlie Bitch.

In real life this term was first uttered by fat-ass conservative shitbag and drug addict Rush Limbaugh, and the fact that every two bit trailer trash racist out in Internet land repeats it over and over shows who's really lacking in substantive thought. Here's a substantive thought: Go fuck yourself.

6) When you wash your car and a bird shits on it the next day - I realise there is a problem when a random act of nature compels me to scream obscenities out loud to no one in particular, but goddammit I just washed this thing. Fucking birds.

7) When the girl you never stopped loving a few years back dumps her current boyfriend and comes back to visit and you know something could happen if you just had the chance, but then she goes back to northern California and gets another boyfriend within three weeks: You know, I've pretty much surrendered to the fact that I'll never ever be with this girl, but dammit it still sucks...

8) When all the collectibles you spent the last decade accumulating are practically worthless - I enjoy status in a small subspecies of geekdom, that of "collector" (or Comic book geek, whichever you prefer.) Right now I'm in the process of cleaning out all of my superfluous possessions (comics, games, etc.) It's astounding how much crap you can accumulate over a lifetime. However it seems like all the junk I want to get rid of is worthless, and the things I do have that are worth something happen to be things I want to hang onto for other reasons. You just can't win sometimes.

9) When you're the only one of your friends who has a real job: No one can hang out on Friday night because they're all working, and when they do have time off it's during regular business hours. No I can't go see your band perform at two in the afternoon on Tuesday. Can I help it if I work at a place that pays more than minimum wage?

10) Websites that redirect you back when you try to navigate away from them: Out of all the annoying shit out there in badly-designed website land I despise this the most. You all know what I'm talking about - You go to a web page, see that what you want is not there, then as you hit the back button the website automatically redirects you to their own home page, forcing you to either open a whole new browser window or rapidly hit the back button to try and get past it. I refuse to patronise any site with this bullshit feature, and anyone who implements it in their site deserves nothing less than death. Instant death in the most painful way imaginable.

Why do Christians love abortion?

Longtime readers of my little rants (as if there are such people. If you are one of them, I pity you) know how much I used to relish making fun of the Christians out there in wacky land. It's not just them, I enjoy persecuting overly religious people in general. However over the last few years I've somewhat relaxed a bit in my attitudes, if I really want people to live and let live, the best way to show it is by practicing it. Who am I to tell people what to believe, what right do I have to insult the beliefs of others?

And really, who gives a shit?

Well, they do, the Evangelical Christians. They give a lot of shits. And thus when two people argue and one gives a shit while the other doesn't, the one who does wins by default. Case in point, the recent Supreme Court decision to uphold the 2003 partial birth abortion ban. I'm sure all of you were paying attention to this, it's hard sometimes when the corporate tabloid news media is busy exploiting sensational school shooter stories to see that there are in fact other things going on in the world, some of which might be important.

I won't go over the rights and wrongs of partial birth abortion - or a second term abortion done during a time when a fetus is quickly approaching the age where it might, just maybe, be able to survive outside of the mother's body by being hooked up to all kinds of machines and shit and growing up all deformed into a self-conscious mentally ill adult who can't get over the fact that it's mother didn't want it. Believe what you want to believe, I'm not here to dispute that. But it just seems to me that the whole big stink over whether or not you should be allowed to kill your unborn child is a big time waster, an issue used to distract us from other important issues, and is, in fact, bullshit.

A little background here - When I was in utero the doctors found a cyst on one of my mother's ovaries. During the removal process there was a 50-50 chance that, in order to save the life of the mother, they may have had to abort the fetus, which was ME. Was it divine intervention that saved me? I would like to think so. But I also know it's just as likely that I simply got lucky. When your birth had the same chance of success as the results of a coin toss it tends to put this issue into perspective for you. I am glad I was born, but also I would not blame my mother for aborting me if her life was threatened. Would you throw yourself in front of a train to save your mother? Some people would, some people would not. If you're one of the people who is not an asshole and actually would save your mother then by logical extension you must be in favor of abortion. When that decision comes, your life or your unborn child's, you cannot blame anyone for choosing to preserve themselves. Yes it would be nice if everyone was selfless, but that's some other planet. On planet Earth self preservation comes first, then preservation of your offspring.

I would just like to add that there does not have to be an actual risk of death for a pregnancy to threaten the mother's life. Having a kid can not just be inconvenient, it can thoroughly destroy your life in a very real sense. Is it right to ask a woman to turn her entire life around, put her aspirations and dreams on hold (possibly forever,) and force her to take on unwanted responsibility? What if the kid is 16, is it right to force her to carry the child and possibility destroy her entire existence in the process? How many of you women out there has this happened to? Yeah, I'm sure you love your children and wouldn't want it any other way. But there is that feeling that your life may have been vastly different if you made a different decision. Can you truly blame someone for making that choice?

Oh, you religious people don't think so? You think when the time comes to make this choice you'll selflessly stand up and choose to go through with it, even though the pregnancy may potentially kill or ruin you? Bullshit. Let's just look at a few statistics here (because once again, some of you dumbasses don't believe anything without a number behind it.) According to this site (The Center For Bioethical Reform, which is an Anti-abortion site, in case any of you think I'm being biased here) it looks like 37% of abortions are obtained by protestants and 31% by Catholics, and 18% by Evangelicals. If we combine these three groups under the umbrella of "Christians," which is what they are, that brings the total to 86%. Thus Christian women, the people who are telling us all not to get abortions, are in fact the people who get the vast majority of actual abortions. So what does this mean exactly? It means that going to church, voting Republican, and believing in God doesn't stop people from fucking. So apparently you're all just talk, because when it comes down to it most of you go "pro-choice" in an instant. You don't like the fact that people kill their unborn children, fine. Stop getting fucking abortions then. And don't go around saying it's the Godless atheist people who need help, because according to that very same site only 23% of women who get abortions describe themselves as such, way less than you religious people. Just another example of you hypocritical double-speaking bastards trying to force behavior on us that you don't follow yourselves.

They also say 43% of all women in the USA will have one by age 45. Hmmm... I've got a feeling that number should be up there towards 80%. Chances are you know two or three women who have had one, even a few in your very own family. Truth is we'll probably never know the exact numbers because of the damn stigma you religious people out there insist of attaching to abortion many women out there keep it a secret. Remember the only people who give a shit about this is YOU (the religious people,) you're the ones walking around holding the signs with the dead babies on them and throwing blood on people. Thanks a lot for all the fucking shame you assholes. Way to kick an emotionally defenseless woman when she's down. And you wonder why Church attendance is on the wane across the nation.

The truth is you can't stop it. Women have always done it, and they always will, whether it's legal or not. By making it illegal all you will do is force it underground and possibly ruin a few more lives in the process. Why do you think you religious people get so much opposition to all of your little political pet projects? Because it seems like everything you people are into, everything you want the rest of us to follow, anti-abortion, anti-gay rights, pro-blowing up the middle east, anti-environment, all of it seems to be directly involved in making life miserable for everyone. Well fuck that, we don't want to be miserable. We want to live in the land of the fucking free, where we don't have to listen to people like that, where we get to do what we fucking want, whenever we fucking feel like it. Isn't that what being FREE is all about, doing what you want when you feel like it? So stop standing in the way of freedom. Live how you want, make your own choice. We will leave you alone as long as you don't stick your hypocritical nose in our business.

Like that will ever happen.

Somebody Else's Problem at Virgina Tech

You know, we all talk a lot of shit on a day to day basis. In any particular conversation, any one of us may say something to the effect of "I am going to kill the next person who blah blah blah--" or "I hate that guy so much I'm going to fucking blow his brains out," etc. Violent idioms are a common part of our language. On a daily basis we bombard ourselves with violent imagery, we watch incredibly violent movies, play video games where people get run over, eaten by hideous monsters, shot in the face, etc, and of course the nightly news is filled with the effects of violence in our lives and society. But when something like this massacre occurs we still get pretty horrified at it, we still can't understand how and exactly why someone would do such a thing.

The resulting media firestorm from this tragedy reminds me a lot of Micheal Moore's 2002 film Bowling for Columbine, so I watched it with this latest event in mind. If you haven't seen it lately you can basically take the word Columbine out and put Virginia Tech in, it relates rather well to the situation at hand. In the film Moore asks why exactly this type of thing happens here in the United States and not in other countries that have similar violent histories, exploitative media, crime, poverty, and repressed youth that we have here. Besides falling just short of calling America fundamentally fucked up He doesn't really come up with an answer. Whenever something like this happens nobody seems to know.

Well, I'll tell you what the problem is. There is a really good reason why we get things like school massacres and random acts of extreme violence here, and this is it: It's becasue compassion has no place in America. Our society rewards people who take what they want no matter who gets hurt. To us, if you're poor or disadvantaged, then somehow that's your fault. It's that cutthroat competitive undercurrent that drives everything we do, that we can look at a starving guy sleeping next to a dumpster and not give a shit, we can drive to our jobs and shop at the stupid mall while the fruits of our economy go to killing people half a world away.

What, you don't think people are this heartless? How many times have you heard someone complain about homeless people, the "Don't give them money" speech when you see a guy begging with a cardboard sign. How many of you have thought that yourselves? I have; I've walked by a dirty bum and been repulsed by him. We all have. It's in our nature. The travesty that we allow people to live like that in the first place doesn't even enter our minds. It's Somebody Else's Problem, and even if I want to do something about it I can't, so fuck it. It's who we are as a nation, don't try to deny it.

We live blissfully ignorant of the true evil that goes on around us on a daily basis. It's not just poor and oppressed people. It's in the extremely superficial way we treat each other. What was wrong with Cho Seung-Hui, what was it that made him flip out and kill all those people? He had no friends. I know it and I don't even have to read the stupid news reports. He had no friends and probably got fucked with all the time, probably hadn't gotten laid in quite a while, probably had the idea that he was going to end up washing other people's clothes just like his parents, just had no hope that anything in his pathetic life would change, ever. Because that's the same problem that ALL of these people have whenever something like this happens, but you're never going to hear about it becasue the news people always gloss over this particular angle of the story.

Our society crushes itself and by extension crushes the individual, or a better way of putting it, in order to survive in such a socitey the individual must adapt by banding together and crushing others. In such a society someone always looses. Once Cho was branded a "loser" by his peers he never had a chance. Truth is most of us are able to weather this effect. At a national level our society may be sick beyond repair, but at a microcosmic level we Americans do a pretty good job of comming together. Our communities are probably more tightly knit than anywhere else in the world. But this example shows that there are some people who slip through the cracks. When "losers" get desperate and get a hold of guns, this is what happens, because nobody cares about them.

You know, all it takes to stop this kind of shit is to try being nice to people for a change, stop living in fear of everything, and quit assuming that everyone who doesn't look like you is going to kill or rob you. Fat chance of that happening. So every couple of years expect to see another random shooting, another misplaced tragic massacre, becasue it's who we are, as a people. It's my fault, it's our fault, so own up to it because it's your fault too. Is there anything we can do about it? I don't know. For now it'll probably continue to be Somebody Else's Problem

Ten Things I Fucking Hate Part 9

(Originally Posted On Hawanja.com on 12/3/06)

1) People who use the off ramp lane to cut ahead of you in traffic - What the fuck is your problem? Where is it that's so important you have to be by weaving in and out of traffic like a psychopath? In the meantime you put my fucking life in danger to shave two and a half nanoseconds. Ridiculous.

2) People who treat the next big game system like it's the second coming of Christ - You seen these videos of people rioting to get a stupid Playstation 3? People getting trampled, even shot in some instances? Goddamn people, it's a fucking GAME SYSTEM! You play fucking video games on it! It's not like your heart is gonna explode if you don't get one at 12:01 a.m. on fucking release day! They'll have some more next week, chill the fuck out already. God people are stupid.

3) People who take too much damn salsa - You've seen these assholes, you go into a Baja Fresh or other Mexican-type restaurant where they have the salsa bar and there's always some gluttonous bastard who has to take like 17 cups of the shit. You gonna eat that all yourself you fat fuck? Look, I know they're giving the stuff away free but Jesus people, don't fucking over do it. Same thing when people take all the sugar and Equal packets at a burger joint. It's not like salt and sugar are precious fucking commodities. Do you people even use this stuff? Or are you taking it just to be an asshole? Why do people do shit like this, because it's "Free?" Next person I see filling up a Sparklets bottle with free salsa gets a free foot in their ass.

4) Ann Coulter - Do people actually take this dried up cuntbag seriously? First time I heard of her was a few years ago in connection to an article where someone witnessed a practice run by terrorists in an airplane, apparently there were men getting up and assembling a bomb in the bathroom. Too bad the whole story turned out to be complete bullshit but it did get her on the media map for real. Now she's become yet another right-wing bag of wacky nuts, always shouting how "liberals" are destroying our democracy. After the last election in which the Republicans got ass-stomped this woman advocated bringing back the poll tax. Yeah that's democracy for ya.

5) DVDs that don't say they are full screen on the front cover - You buy a brand spanking new copy of some cool movie you've wanted to see for a long time only to get it home and find out it's been given the fucking pan-and-scan treatment. It cuts off half the damn screen, when I pay $19.95 for a new damn movie I expect to see the whole fucking thing. Why are they still making movies like this? Because some old lady out there is too cheap to buy a new TV? So I gotta suffer because of one small segment of the population that is afraid to adapt to new technology? Then you try to take it back to the store but they refuse to exchange it because it's an open item. Fucking bullshit.

6) When the girl you used to love a few years ago and who you thought really loved you but moved off to northern California with another guy dumps her fiance, but stays in northern California while her Ex moves back to your town instead of the other way around - Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself. It just sucks.

7) People who think Star Wars is real: It's a movie people, it's make believe, it's not real life. Just because you walk around in a robe doesn't mean the government has to officially recognize you as a Jedi. Sad thing is I'm not making this shit up.

8) When you accidently cut a tonail just a little too deep - Ouch.

9) When some greedy fucking asshole drinks all the coffee in the break room and doesn't make any more - I now work in an office for a fortune 500 company (in the lowest paid position there is, but what the hell. At least I'm not slinging a cash register anymore.) Like most offices for companies that are not completely evil they supply free coffee for their subjects. But without fail at 9:00 every morning somebody drinks all of the fucking coffee and just leaves the empty pot sizzling there. How much time does it take to throw a new pot of coffee on? Like two and a half seconds. Have some common decency, the stupid end of the month reports can wait. I cannot function in this corporate hellhole job without a steady supply of liquid stimulant. Not only that, they also leave sugar and coffee creamer all over the counter. Clean that shit up dammit! If you leave sugar laying around we're gonna get ANTS up in here!

10) Sony, the entire fucking company and everyone in it - Last year I said Fuck Sony because they gave us a raw deal with the PSP. Now it seems Sony is full of so many greedy fucking scumbags they just sued small time Hong Kong importer Lik-Sang out of existence. I just happened to be a Lik-Sang affiliate. So in addition to making them look like assholes, Sony shutting them down has also personally cost me money in lost referrals and time as now I have to remove all the affiliate links from my pages. Thanks a lot fucking Sony. Let me show you how much I care by buying the new Nintendo system instead of your overpriced piece of shit this Christmas.

YOU LOSE ASSHOLES! HA! HA! HA!

(Originally Posted on Hawanja.com on 11/08/06)

Rick Santorum (R - PA) and his family are pissed off that people vote.

My GOD that election ruled! You conservative fuckers didn't just lose, you got your asses kicked, stomped, pounded, trashed, fucked up beyond all recognition! Let's just take a look at the numbers:

	Republicans	Democrats	Independents
Senate	49	49	2
House	201	234	0
Governorships	16	20	0

Well shit, I guess you can't a bigger asswhippin' than that huh? Goddamn I love this; For SIX YEARS I've had to listen to people calling me names, calling me a pussy, calling me a traitor, because I am able to see though the bullshit this cadre of former oligarchs feed the public and I had the audacity to tell people so on my little website. Now it seems I'm in the majority, hmmmm.... well you know what? This is a democracy, and in a fucking democracy THE MAJORITY RULES!

And it's about fucking time I might add. All of the leftist loonies like me are sitting around today patting themselves on the back for a job well done (and they deserve it,) but may I ask where the fuck have you people have been all this time? We've had two other opportunities to pull this coup in the 2002 and 2004 elections, did you people just decide to sit those elections out? Or could it be that you all had to wait until shit got so ridiculously bad that you couldn't take it anymore?

I have no illusions about this victory; I know that the Democrats didn't win this election, the Republicans lost. This election is about throwing the scandal ridden-thieves out of power and for the most part the new thieves that have taken their place don't have that much better of a track record. It's just sickening to see that it takes things to get as bad as they are before people finally turn off American Idol long enough to notice. I mean come on people! We've got two hopeless wars going on that are sucking away our Gross National Product while at the same time hospitals are closing all over the country. We've got a planet turning into a radioactive waste dump under our feet, the fucking oceans are dying, you won't be able to eat any fish in forty years because there fucking won't be any, the goddamn hole in the ozone layer is the size of the United States for crying out loud, the fucking icecaps are melting so fast that various countries are fighting over shipping lanes in the Arctic, we have countries in the Middle East scrambling to build nuclear bombs in part to defend themselves from US, yet at the same time we're supposed to be fighting international terrorism by invading the one secular Middle Eastern country that actually suppressed such terrorism, our fucking Bill Of Rights is in the goddamn toilet.. all of this has been going on for years, and just now people are starting to realize it. Well better late then never I suppose. Let this be a lesson to you America, shit does not just go away when you turn the channel. At least now there's hope for the first time in six years, hope that this Neoconservative nightmare can finally come to an end and we can start putting the country and the world back together again.

Of course all of my conservative wack-job comedy generators out there in internet land don't think so. Shit, the Fox News website doesn't even have the national totals up on their site, as if by hiding this information they can prevent the shitcanning of their heroes. The mood around the various conservative boards I frequent to taunt people is of general defeat, denial, and rage. More than once I've heard "Get ready for the next terrorist attack," like somehow just electing a Democrat is going to cause a bomb to spontaneously generate in the White House.

Fucking crybabies.

I could take it easy on you all, be a "Fair winner," but FUCK THAT. For six years I've had to listen to you conservative assholes lie to yourselves and push your bullshit down my throat. No longer, it's payback time.

Sucks living in a democracy, huh?

My Country is a Fucking Mess

(Originally Posted on Hawanja.com on 10/2/06)

You know, There was a time not too long ago when people actually paid attention to what was going on around them. And when things happened that pushed people too far (taking away their rights for instance) people died defending them. Everyone talks about our forefathers like they're some kind of God-like people in remote ancient history who all got along fine, sat down, and rationally thought out our system of government. Not true; The revolutionary war only happened two hundred years ago and popular revolts were extremely common.

So what the fuck happened? People today are brainless ignorant greedy consumer bastards who only care about how much they can take. Plus today people are fucking pussies, unable and unwilling to stand up to authority. The Farmer's revolt, the Civil War (and the New York Civil war draft riots they don't teach you about in school,) hell, even the fucking Hippies had more balls than we do. How did we go from "Give me liberty or give me death" to "Must see TV" in such a short period of time?

What, you may ask, is my problem this week? Habeas Corpus: That basic human right that a prisoner has the right to see the evidence against him. This is from English common law all the way back in the 12th century. In case you weren't paying attention this week the Senate has just passed a bill ( Senate bill S. 3930 ) which not only makes the whole keeping-people-indefinetly-without-a-real-trial-thing okay, but also severely restricts any persons subject to such military tribunals as the bill allows to defend themselves. Imagine you've been held in jail for FIVE YEARS, and when they finally let you have a trial you're not even allowed to see the evidence that is supposed to prove your guilt. Yeah, this is America.

If that's not enough for you, the bill also pretty much destroys the efforts of Senator John McCain's anti-torture bill, because now it's all legal. Add to this McCain voted for the fucking thing. Good job there senator, up until recently you were the one Republican I actually trusted. Thanks asshole. Way to cave into your handlers.

So Bush and his cronies started gettin' scared that they might be held accountable for all the illegal shit they've done in the last few years, so they simply changed the law and gave themselves a get out of jail free card. Hmmm... you would think this would be headline news, at least. Recently I've been without cable TV, so I couldn't check the networks. But a quick search on MSNBC.com, Foxnews.com, CNN.com, etc. showed NOT ONE FUCKING WORD about this story. A search on any of those sites for Senate bill S. 3930 returns the same pansy-ass misleading fluff A. P. story piece I saw in the local paper. I can only assume their televised networks followed suit.

What I do see on the front page of all three of those major news media sites is (lo and behold) the EXACT SAME STORIES. What's the most important thing to happen in Washington on Oct 2nd, 2006? It's the lurid emails that ex- Senator Mark Foley sent to an underage male intern. Yeah, that's important.

I did find info on S. 3930 on the home page of the BBC News. I just don't understand why I have to go to a news outlet hosted in another fucking country to find out what's really going on in my own. It's goddamned disgraceful!

Am I the only one who notices that stuff like this only appears in the news when there are other more important stories going on? In the 90's we saw this all the time, like when Clinton admitted in the 60's the CIA purposely released radioactive particles into the atmosphere over American cities so they could study the spread of fallout in case of a atomic war (thus causing who knows how many thousands of cases of cancer) on the same day as the O.J. Simpson verdict. Seems like the Bush people learned the lesson rather well: You got a story potentially damaging that could cause some real revolt? Leak a good senate sex scandal, nice way of diverting attention. And the fucking media bites every goddamn time, like clockwork. Then you wonder why people believe in X-Files type illuminati conspiracy theories.

Yeah, it's ok as long as it's terrorists, right? Who gives a shit if innocent people might be sitting there in Guantanamo bay, too bad, they were in the wrong place in the wrong time. Let me clue you people in on something: YOU ARE NEXT. If you let them get away with this they'll take a little more, then take a little more, then take it all. Why is it these people rotting away in Cuba aren't afforded the same protections any other federal prisoner is? It's not like any of them are gonna get off easy. Wait, they're terrorists, right? They don't deserve American protections, right? Well Timothy McVeigh was a fucking terrorist, he got a fucking trial. And he got the death penalty too, so don't go telling me giving these people a trial will get them off. The blind sheikh Omar Abdel-Rahman set off a bomb in the World Trade Center in 1993, he got a trial, and he got convicted. Zacarias fucking Moussaoui got a fucking trial, I don't see his ass walking the street. So don't tell me they need to do this to put these people away, because they don't.

Is there anyone out there who isn't a highly paid right wing media pundit who still supports these people? How can any of you see this going on and still think these people are doing the right thing? They went to war on fake evidence. They let Osama get away. The fucking Taliban is BACK, they control over half of fucking Afghanistan. Fucking Iraq is in a goddamn civil war and they still don't want to leave. 400 billion dollars so far and every single one of the objectives that matter have failed. We now routinely torture people and hold them without charge, and now Congress has said that's okay, no problem with us. And STILL you fucking people vote for them! What the hell is it gonna take? Oh wait, one of them has to be gay, then he's out of there. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand.

You conservative assholes out there: Check the record. Everything the progressive left opposition has said would happen has come to pass. You people are living in denial of the worst kind. But this isn't the regular my-life-is-a-lie denial that we secretly laugh at, this is destructive denial. And when the shit hits the fan and they finally take over for real, when the storm troopers are running through the streets shooting school teachers and executing anyone with a college education, guess who's gonna get it first, them, or you?

This shit makes my fucking head hurt.

Ten Things I Fucking Hate Part 8

(Originally Posted on Hawanja.com on 12/15/05)

1. Assholes with loud motorcycles: I've got nothing in particular against bikers per se, because personally I think the bad-ass biker thing is pretty cool. It's those dickheads who ride around like dumbasses for no other reason than to show how LOUD their bike is that piss me off. You all know the scenario: You're with your friends of family at a cafe patio or restaurant or something, just trying to eat and have a good time, until some fucking jerk revs up his penis-crutch all loud and shit, totally destroying the atmosphere and forcing you to shout all loud and everything. The guy blares it on, then revs it two or three times, totally drowning out all other sound, then peels out stroking his dick as he scoots away. Then you look at his ass and can't help but notice what a shiny and expensive motorcycle this individual has. It's an attention getter for middle aged men who haven't got any pussy in years to make themselves feel cool. Real fucking bikers could give a shit about who notices them driving down the street. I have no patience for people and the crap they do to booster their egos. Fuck them.

2. People who excessively complain at work: Okay, I realize everyone complains about their jobs. In all of my old jobs I didn't mind this so much as frankly they were all kack restaurant/clerk/serving the public type jobs, and they all blew ass. But my current job is the best job ever. I play fucking video games for a living. Yet people still bitch and moan even about that.

Bottom line is this: You don't like your job? Then leave. Nobody is making your ass stay there. I got tired of mopping floors and cleaning fucking toilets, so I left. Now I don't complain. The minute my awesome game testing job turns sour I'll get another one. So shut the fuck up and get to work.

3. People who never have their own cigarettes: You've always got that one friend/co-worker/family member who never has his own fucking cigarettes. When the smoke break rolls around they show up, like clockwork. This person may usually be very generous when they have smokes. Problem is they never, ever, ever do. These things cost like five bucks a pack now. Get your own.

4. Shifty gas stations: Since the price of gas has skyrocketed over the last few months it seems like every single gas station I go to rips me off, without fail. My car has a ten gallon tank. I get gas when I get below an 8th of a tank. That means I should have 1+ gallons left. But every fucking gas station I've been to in the last four months rips me off a dollar or so. A few cents from each person can equal thousands of dollars for the gas station. Fucking bullshit.

5. Itunes:

Apple: Hey, we made it illegal to download music so we could force you to buy the same music but at a crappier quality, plus we control what devices and media players you can use to listen to said music on and how many times you can burn it. We do all this because we can.

Me: Fuck Itunes.

6: Cherehonkees: White middle aged people who pretend they're Native American. I'm like 1/87th Indian myself but I don't walk around wearing a headdress or living in a wampum. You ridicule the cultural identity you profess to hold sacred.

7. People who leave like ten tons of garbage all over the floors of their cars: The guy who eats fast food and stuff and just throws the wrappers on the floor, then they give you a ride and you've got to bury your feet in the shit. God-Damn, clean your stupid car out once in a while.

8. The Mazda "Zoom Zoom Zoom" song: I will never, ever, ever buy a car from these people, just because of that song.

9. People who get all defensive when you insult their favorite band/music/movies/TV shows/Video games: If you are so pathetic that the crap you own, listen to, or watch for entertainment makes up so much of your identity that you actually get angry when someone else expresses a negative opinion of it, then you are beyond help, and should just stop breathing. If what you own defines who you are then you are nothing worth owning. Get bent.

10: Courtroom TV shows: Freak shows for the modern era, featuring the most fucked up people in existence getting yelled at by some stuck up bitch with an attitude. Where do they find these people who willingly expose their pathetic lives to such ridicule? It's TV for rednecks, and it should be destroyed. Anyone who likes these shows is lame.

A MESSAGE TO GOVENOR SCHWARZENEGGER:

(Originally Posted on Hawanja.com on 11/9/05)

HEY ARHNOLD!

Damn, talk about an asswhippin'. For everyone who lives outside of California and thus doesn't give a crap about my wacky state, our Movie star Govenor just wasted fifty million dollars trying to pass six baloney laws written by his Republican handlers. Arhnoldd traveled around the state, lavishly blowing taxpayer money setting up this bullshit election. But then something happened that the Republicans didn't count on, the goddamed people came out and shot all of thier rediculous inititives down! You failed, your attempt to ban abortion failed, your full of crap drug bill failed, your attempt to 86 public service unions failed, but most importantly of all, your attempt to redistrict the state so that the Republicans can take over in next years election failed.

You lose assholes! Sucks living in a DEMOCRACY doesn't it? Who says Government doesn't work?

P.S. HA HA HA HA!

Bush Is In Trouble. It's About Friggin' Time

(Originally posted on Hawanja.com on 10/5/05)

That election in 2000 did a lot to the political landscape in this country. We're a country that usually prides ourselves on national unity, but this time we got to see just how ideologically divided we really are. You all remember the Red/Blue maps they showed after the 2000 and 2004 elections, showing how much our country just hasn't really changed since the Civil war. There were some protests and people throwing eggs at the presidential motorcade, but thanks to a steady stream of softballing in the media for the most part the liberal blue state people grudgingly shut up and went with the program. Because in America civil wars do not break out when people steal elections. There's a good reason for that which we'll touch upon later.

Bush's first term was all wine and roses, and the media treated it as such. Big ass huge tax cut? Passed, no gripe from the media. Destroy all the environmental regulations? Screw up the schools? Invade another country with phony evidence? No problem. Thanks to Rupert Murdoch and his imitators everyone who didn't go along with it never really got their voices heard. All they needed to do to squelch decent was to show the footage of the twin towers being knocked down.

To people like me, people who voted for John Kerry because he represented the lesser of two evils, it seemed like all of our political nightmares had come true. Evil Republicans were busy turning America into a third world country, ruling by fear and ideology, while anyone who stood in their way got sidelined into the junior college lecture circuit.

But the one thing the Bush people didn't count on is this: While people love to see a hero overcome the odds, they love it even more when a hero is brought down. Bush's second term is when it happens.

The conquering war president who flew on the deck of that aircraft carrier with that "Mission Accomplished" banner behind him is suffering his lowest poll numbers EVER, the lowest of any president since they started taking polls. He couldn't get his Medicare package passed. He nominated a complete moron in the guise of Harriet Miers to the supreme court. He dropped the ball when it came to hurricane relief and embarrassed the entire country. Even some of his own evangelical constituents are starting to get pissed at him. Tom Delay is up to his neck in scandal and is pulling every dirty trick in the book to get out of it (such as smearing the prosecutor and attempting to get the judge replaced because the donated to Moveon.org last year.) And it's becoming completely obvious, even to the full of shit media, that his top aides including Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, and possibly Vice President Cheney, had a hand in smearing Joseph Wilson by outing his CIA agent wife.

Hey conservative people, you can't blame the media this time. You assholes own the media. You've owned it for years. From day one the major news networks have gone easy on Bush and his cohorts. And it helps that all the damn radio stations are also owned by the same people. How many radio stations does Fox/Clearchannel own now? Like all of them? So don't let me hear any of you assholes pulling the "Liberal Media" card, because that's a crock of shit. And lo and behold, all the crap we "Blue state people" were yippin and hollerin' about, all the crap you conservatives refused to believe, all of it is now being reported as accepted truth. Like say, there was no connection between Iraq and Al Queda, and the Iraqi agent story meeting with Al Queda in Europe was bullshit. Or that Iraq didn't try to buy Uranium yellow cake from Nigeria (which sparked the whole Valerie Plame scandal that is currently biting the administration in the bootay.) I remember having very heated flame wars over these subjects on various conservative chat boards, yet everyone called me a crank. But now it's reported as true, by YOUR media. I told you so.

And so it appears this administration is on it's way to being throughly humbled, and it's about goddamned time. Bush will finish up his lame duck term, and best case scenario will be too wracked with scandal to destroy anything else. It's refreshing to read a newspaper or go to news website and like, actually read the truth. There's only so much bullshit you can whitewash. So now all America needs to do is whether the neocon storm until they implode upon themselves. Which should be by like, next Friday or so.

That's what you get when you vote with your TV set instead of your brain.

Ten Things I Fucking Hate Part 7

(Originally Posted on Hawanja.com on 9/1905)

1) Celebrities that think since they're rich or good looking that they like matter: I hate celebrities, I hate celebrities, I fucking hate celebrities. Just because you've cut a shitty record or were in a couple of dumb ass movies now I'm supposed to do everything you say? Fuck you.

2) Internet whores: When you spend the better part of the day sitting there mindlessly flipping through links yet absorbing nothing you are essentially circumventing what the internet is intended for. It's supposed to be interactive, meaning you're supposed to be doing shit while you're on it. You know, like talking to people and learning stuff. Not sitting there like a dumbass, staring blankly at low res titties and flaming noobs in forums. You're treating it like it's TV.

3) Body Odor: I never really noticed until recently that most people really do seriously smell awful. There's this one guy at my work we call "Hot Garbage," because he smells like somebody microwaved a hefty sack of refuse. Seriously people, how can you not notice that you smell like total shit? Goddamn, it's called deodorant.

4) Fools who get stupid tattoos: When you are ninety you are going to feel like a dumbass. It's cool with me if looking like a circus freak is your thing. But please, but a little bit of thought into it before you blindly get that tat of Marge Simpson with her vagina where your bellybutton is.

Actually, it's not cool with me. You're fucking stupid.

5) When the cable company plays commercials for the service that you're watching the commercial on: I use Adelphia, because cable companies are one of the few left that have a legal monopoly. Well, except technically they don't have a monopoly because now you can get a satellite dish. So what do I see now every five minutes on my Cable TV, the service I pay $40 a month for? I see commercials for the exact same service I currently pay for. Hey assholes, if I'm seeing this commercial it means I'm already using your service. So what's the fucking point?

6) Women with children who think since they carry this shitmachine around with them then they deserve some kind of special treatment: Look, not my fault your ass forgot to pull out. Now I gotta put up with your bullshit all day. Just because you have a kid doesn't mean you get to drive like a maniac or act like a bitch at the grocery store. Fuck you and your kid.

7. The Verizon wireless "Can you hear me now?" Guy: Goddamn I hate commercials. And nice corporatizing the peace symbol there.

8. Cops who pull you over and lie about it: The other day I got pulled over for not having a front licence plate. Bool-sheeet. Not having a front licence plate is like not signaling to turn when you're in the turning lane, it's such a minor offense that most cops don't even bother. The truth is he pulled me over because it was an opportunity. Look, I know it's your job to find psychos and terrorists and such and I support that, just don't bullshit me.

9. Angry white people who can't wait in line like everybody else: A little story here: I went to a Shlockbuster last week to get a couple of movies. It was Friday night so the place was packed. People in line were starting to get impatient. You know that Frankenstein mentality people get when waiting in line, people start talking shit about how this place sucks and this is why they never come here anymore, yet nobody can explain why they all happened to end up here at the same time or why the line isn't long enough for them to just leave. People like to delude themselves into thinking they have important shit to do. Of course that important shit involves renting fucking movies. I didn't see any of those assholes trying to cure cancer on Friday night.

Anyway, the guy at the front was busting his ass to go as fast as he could. Anyone who's ever worked retail knows you can't just take the customer's money and throw them out the door. They make you do all kinds of other bullshit too, like mention current special deals going on, trying to upsell, etc. That's what working at places like a video store entail, you know, making money for the place and everything. And if you don't do this to every fucking person the boss gets on your ass about it. Anyone who's ever been a clerk knows the drill. That's why they always have kids work these kinds of jobs, because kids put up with all kinds of bullshit that no self respecting person with an education would subject themselves to. And for minimum wage to boot. So anyway I felt sorry for the guy and tried to not get pissed off about waiting fifteen minutes in line. I'm not curing cancer on Friday night either.

So, after about ten minutes this arrogant white lady starts getting all pissy, starts complaining all loud, pissing people off, yelling at the guy to hurry it up. People around her were starting to get very uncomfortable. To make it worse she cuts in front of everyone to bitch this poor clerk out, forces him to take a guy off a break to come out and help her sorry ass so SHE gets to rent her movies in front of everyone else. Then this fucking arrogant cuntbag pulls the "I'm gonna call the corporate office" bullshit, rips the guy's nametag off and demands her rentals for free.

She pissed me off so much that I couldn't take it anymore, so I just walked up behind her and kicked her in the back of the head. Her fat arrogant ass fell like a sack of rice. Then I ground my elbow into her eyesocket. Then I paid for my movies and left while she was still flailing around like a headless fish. The poor clerk looked up at me with tears of "Thank you!" in his eyes.

It seems to be only white baby boomers who think acting like this in public is acceptable behavior. Those kinds of people who've gotten everything they've ever wanted their whole lives, and think the sole reason they exist entitles them to special treatment. I fucking hate my parent's generation.

We should kill them all.

10. Rodents: I don't hate rodents because they're creepy, disease ridden, filthy, or make me cry like a little girl (which they do.) I hate them because they are incredibly, deviously intelligent. Anyone who's had to deal with rats in their house knows how smart those little motherfuckers are. That is why they frighten me, because they know I know I'm onto their plan for world domination. The rodents have to be stopped before it's too late.