Hunters are pussies and should be shot

I hate hunters, I hate hunters, I fucking hate hunters. What is this need to blow the brains out of an animal from hundreds of feet away? What is the "need" being fulfilled here? What is the desire that causes people to do this? Is it for food? Is it for the "sport?" Or some kind of arcane mountain man tradition? Bullshit. There is only one reason to go hunting- because you're a sick asshole who gets his jollies off of killing something. Other people may try to dispute that, but they are wrong. 

It's obviously not for "food," unless you live so far off in the middle of nowhere that you absolutely must shoot deer and crap to survive - maybe if you're in the fucking jungle or something. But in this country your redneck-ass is never more than five miles away from a McDonalds (probably the same one you work at) so don't give me this shit about hunting for "food." 

Some people like to delude themselves and pretend that there's no difference between hunting and slaughtering a cow on a farm or something. But once again we see the argument doesn't fly - Cows and chickens are bred to be slaughtered, we make no illusions otherwise. If we let them go into the wild they would starve by the thousands, because we've bred away their natural survival instincts. Wild animals on the other hand are out there minding their own business and would be just fine if we would stop periodically invading their habitats and blowing them away. 

"Look here my good man," you may say, "We have to cull the herds because of overpopulation." Ahh, since we killed all the wolves and mountain lions and other wild predators now it's our duty to go out and blow away a bunch of deer to keep them from overgrazing and thus starving to death. True, true, populations must be managed. But we wouldn't have this stupid problem if the fucking rednecks hadn't killed all the predators in the first place. So, how about we start a program to bring back the predators? Reintroduce wolves into these areas, to naturally cull the deer? Set aside wilderness areas where these animals can live? Unlike human beings, animals will find a natural population balance in a given area (eventually.) It's only with human intervention that the balance gets all screwed up and we have to do shit like club baby seals. 

"But but but-" you stammer on, "If we reintroduce wolves then people will get eaten!" True, true, so here's how you stop that: DON'T LET PEOPLE GO INTO THE WOODS WHERE THE WOLVES ARE! Don't let hikers and hippies and shit walk around in nature preserves where they could get eaten. That's why they're called "Nature Preserves," because fucking nature is supposed to be fucking preserved in them, not made into entertainment venues where people can walk around leaving their juice bottles and candy bar wrappers all over the place. We don't let people walk around in Grizzly bear country, do we? Make separate parks and shit without wolves and let the hippies walk around in those. It's not like this is rocket science. 

One guy told me he had to hunt, because he lived off in the middle of the woods, and bears and wild asses and crap would go through his garbage and invade his house from time to time. Know what I say to that? MOVE. Get out of the woods. If you live in an area where there are lions and tigers and bears and shit, then move the fuck out of that area. YOU DO NOT BELONG THERE. I don't see what's so hard to understand. 

Around here we have a problem with mountain lions. Every year they encroach a little bit further and build houses and stuff inside the territory of these animals, then everyone complains when the lions come down and start eating neighborhood dogs and kitty cats and everything. But no one ever brings up the fact that this wouldn't happen if people stayed out of the woods where they didn't belong. These animals need space to live, and if we take that away from them then they'll start their own hunting parties in our streets and backyards. It's called "ecological balance" people, that thing the Republicans say they believe in but do everything to destroy. 

Then we have the "sporting" aspect. Well, let's think about this: How sporting is it exactly, to take a machine capable of firing bullet with such force as to rip through the body of any organic creature that has evolved on this Earth with lethal force, and then go shoot a little animal from a hundred yards away? That's not a sport, that's target practice. If you want to shoot a gun then go shoot it at a shooting range, don't go snipe a bunch of endangered Red-Footed falcons you fucking assholes. Go shoot at a paper target, not at something that's alive. I submit to you that dunking a basketball, hitting a home run, driving a souped up race car, or even hitting a fucking golf ball is way more "sporting" than taking a high powered rifle and blowing the brains out of a duck or goose or something. You know what? Even a marathon night of Halo is more sporting than that shit. At least then someone is keeping score. 

Then you get these backwards shitbags who somehow think that hunting is part of "being a man," like real men have to go out and pown little quails and shit with sniper rifles as part of some dumbass tradition - complete bullshit. If you want to go kill something like a "man," then don't use a gun. Go out there with a Rambo knife. Make a sharpened spear with your own two hands and skewer a deer with it. Go out and face down a 500 lb bull elk caveman-style with a couple of sharpened rocks. It's not a sport unless you're in danger of serious injury - buying a three ton Giant hog then getting your 13 year old son to shoot it on your own land and then passing it off like the kid actually caught it in the wild ain't "sport,"and it ain't teaching him anything except how to be a fucked up, beer-guzzling, wife beating, gas pumping redneck. You want to teach him how to be a "man?" Throw the kid out there Spartan style, butt-naked with a sharpened stick for 30 days and make his ass hunt to survive, that'll make him a man alright. Or better yet, why not buy the kid a laptop instead of a shotgun? You know, get him an education so he can actually make something of himself and not have to kill shit to feel like he belongs? Being a "man" is about learning responsibility and making a living, not shooting a fucking giant pig then passing it off like a "hunt." 

"This fucking tree-hugger has never been hunting" you may be saying. "He doesn't know what it's like." You're right, and you know what? I don't want to know. I don't really care. It sounds like six inbred yokels standing around sucking beers and shooting in every direction. Fuck that. Yes, you're right, I am a close minded asshole. Now hurry up and sweep up those yard trimmings. I don't pay your ass to stand around. 

So, every time I hear about some chinless backward buttfuck country boy getting mangled by a Grizzly or shot in the face by the vice president, I smile a little deeper in the inside. You don't want to get shot? You don't want to get eaten? Then stop fucking hunting. YOU DO NOT BELONG THERE. It's not too late to join the 21st century with the rest of the world.