No Sympathy For Fat People

I'm getting sick and tired of fucking fat people. Seems like nowadays everybody is fat. And they are, at least in this country. Something like 80% of Americans are overweight. We are a nation of wobbly fat-asses who suck down French Fries and Chicken Mcnuggets like they're oxygen. It's getting obscene.

There is a cure to being fat: It's called regular exercise. It doesn't take very much either.

First let me give you a little background on myself: I am fat. I am a big tub of lard. I have been my entire life. Last year I weighed so much I could sit on a dollar bill and squeeze out change. I was a humongous, jelly bellied, disgusting fat body.

So, two months ago I weighed 213 pounds. I got sick of being fucking fat. I went up to the workout room at my apartment complex and ran on the stupid treadmill for 10 minutes. I thought I was going to die. But I finished the ten minutes, and afterwards began running a minimum of twice a week. Now two months later I've lost 14 pounds. As of this morning (3-20-04) I weigh 199 lbs. I haven't changed any of my eating habits, stopped smoking, gone vegetarian, or any of that other bullshit. If I knew how easy it was I would have been doing this years ago.

Of course, I'm probably still 15-20 pounds overweight for my height, but I'm not trying to be Mr. fucking Universe here. I just want to look moderately good, fit into a pair of pants, and be able to walk up a flight of stairs without dying. I don't need to be able to run a marathon. It's amazing just how little you have to do in order to lose weight. I've started using the weight machine very sparingly, like three sets of ten of a couple of exercises. Two months later and my biceps are noticeably bigger, there's like He-man veins popping out of my arms and shit, and I don't have tits anymore, I have PECTORALS, motherfucka! It's fucking incredible, I'm barely working out for 30 minutes twice a week and I'm getting all crazy strong. So as a fat person myself I will now share the secret of losing weight with all the other fat people in the world. It's the least I can do.

STEP ONE: SHUT UP ABOUT BEING FAT AND JUST ACCEPT IT

Don't try to fool people by wearing vertical stripes or saying baloney like "I'm not fat, I'm just big boned." Bullshit. You're only lying to yourself.

STEP TWO: CUT BACK ON THE TWINKIES

If you stuff your face with Big Macs and Ding Dongs all day you're never gonna lose any weight. Stop that "I just have a sweet tooth" crap. Pull the fucking sweet tooth. This also means not going back to the buffet table for sixths on the potato logs. Doesn't mean you're never allowed to eat a candy bar again, just try to balance the shit out with an apple or something once in a while.

STEP THREE: STOP THE FUCKING ATKINS DIET

You people are all going to die. A diet that high in protein is going to give you all cancer. All fad diets are bullshit- each person has a unique metabolism that processes food in a different way. Just because some fat fuck who was so blubberous that he couldn't walk lost 500 pounds on the Slim Fast diet doesn't mean you will too. All you're doing is wasting money. Spend that cash at the gym instead.

STEP FOUR: TAKE THIS SHIT SERIOUSLY

If you really want to lose weight you will. Half the fat people out there are depressed because they're fat and have given up hope of ever fitting into those jeans again. These are the people who go home and eat 27 gallons of ice cream and then cry themselves to sleep. CUT THAT SHIT OUT! If you're really sick and tired of being a lard ass then get the fuck up off the couch, turn off Star Trek, and go outside and do something about it. Stop fucking whining and crying and get a hold of yourselves.

STEP FIVE: DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT

Go jogging. Lift some weights. Do some jumping jacks. Go for a walk. Do some yoga, whatever, it doesn't matter. Find an exercise regimen that works and that you can stick with. Don't try to become an Olympic gymnast overnight. Start small, because after you do start losing some poundage you'll see that it actually works and you can take that encouragement to work out harder and longer. I can't tell you how much better I feel, and I've only been doing this for a few months. I have Stamina now. I can walk up a flight of steps. Chicks are starting to look at me when I walk in the room. Because when you know you look good and you feel good people of the opposite sex take notice. And that's what it's all about, right people? That's the biggest downside to being fat: Lardasses don't get laid as much as skinny people. So put the grilled stuffed burrito down, turn off Unreal tournament 2004, go put some tennis shoes on and slog that fat bootie around the block a few times. You'll thank yourself in the morning.