1) People who renew their wedding vows: This is just plain stupid. Maybe if your wedding vows meant something in the first place you wouldn't have to do lame bullshit like this to keep from splitting up.
2) Your friend who is trying to recruit you into something: You all know the story; You have a friend who just joined a gym/church/multi-level marketing plan/ etc and he just won't leave you alone. And the thing is if you value the friendship at all you can't just tell him to get lost else they take it all personally. Not me. Anyone who uses the guise of "friendship" to advance their own position within their precious pecking order obviously isn't my fucking friend. Go score your brownie points on someone else, asshole. Come back after you drop out so we can hang out again.
3) People who drive like maniacs in the rain: I live in glorious sunny southern California, perhaps the most temperate place on Earth. 364 days out of the year it's a totally beautiful day outside. But there's at least one day (sometimes up to a week) where a hurricane just comes out of nowhere and buckets will pour down. Thing is no one in L.A. seems to notice the deluge outside and continue to drive the Los Angeles speed limit, which is as fast as fucking possible. Everyone in L.A. seems to have a place to be at any particular moment and they don't care who they have to kill to get there. Heads up people: You are all assholes. Rain will make your car go out of control and kill you. I personally give two and a half shits if you spinout and fly off the freeway overpass to your death but you might hit me in the process. I want to live, I think death by speeding nincompoop in the rain would be a very pathetic way to end my life. Slow the fuck down.
4) Militant Vegans: Oh please, just shut the hell up for fuck's sake. Yes, the cow had to die so I could eat a taco. That's the idea. Nobody cares. And Note to Vegan chicks: Shave your fucking armpits. I'm sure you could find some shaving cream that doesn't have any animal products in it. That is just dang nasty.
5) People who have the Christian "Calvin praying" sticker on their cars: You know, Bill Watterson doesn't make any money from those stickers. They are all bootlegged. I thought stealing was not a very Christian thing to do. And besides if you need a sticker to prove your faith then obviously your faith is pretty fucked up to begin with.
6) People who save shit into their hair: I thought this ridiculous fad died out years ago, but lately it seems to be making a comeback. Of all the fucking things to come back in style it's not something cool like afros or pet rocks or whatever, it's shaving a word onto your head. You look like a walking dildo with the price tag still on it. It was stupid in 1993 and it's stupid today.
7) Persian Gangsters: Oh God, please oh mighty lord, please strike these morons down with your holy asskicking, please pour forth the cup of the wrath of the lord on these fuck-ups, because they are a walking contradiction of the human condition, and are possibly worse than the white guys who act like gangsta's. They are ashamed of the perfectly good cultural background they possess, and instead of acknowledging that their society gave rise to the renaissance, law, and the modern world, have chosen to emulate what they see on MTV. Thus I beg of you almighty God to please consider giving them all a plague of ticks, or perhaps a boil on the end of the penis, or maybe just slap them all in the head with your mighty hand and knock some sense into the silly bastards. Amen.8) Old people: This one is hardly a surprise. Everyone hates old people.
9) Retards who think they're master hackers because they work at a computer store: Look, I'm just asking you how much this motherboard costs. I don't need a full system rundown on what every fucking chip does, nor why I should buy the one that costs $100 more. I don't care, just price check the fucking thing for me. Ten to one you probably don't know what the hell you're talking about. Obviously if you were that super-computer-smart you wouldn't be working at Best Buy.
10) The "Ugly" friend: Every good looking chick has an ugly friend who she drags around to run interference while she counts heads of who's checking her out. You guys out there know what I'm talking about. The ugly friend is usually fat, or maybe has smaller boobs, or a face full of zits, or a big nose, or something that makes her vastly less attractive than her partner, and that's why the fine chick keeps her around, first of all to make herself feel better, and second to use as a decoy when some loser (like me) tries to make a move. You know the story, you try to introduce yourself and end up talking to Ulga for half an hour while Hotpants watches you squirm. Well fuck you Hotpants. You're a fucking evil bitch and one day you're not going to be so hot anymore. And fuck you too Ulga, if you had any self-esteem you wouldn't let some stupid broad use you like that. At least my hand doesn't play any head games.
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