No Sympathy For Fat People

I'm getting sick and tired of fucking fat people. Seems like nowadays everybody is fat. And they are, at least in this country. Something like 80% of Americans are overweight. We are a nation of wobbly fat-asses who suck down French Fries and Chicken Mcnuggets like they're oxygen. It's getting obscene.

There is a cure to being fat: It's called regular exercise. It doesn't take very much either.

First let me give you a little background on myself: I am fat. I am a big tub of lard. I have been my entire life. Last year I weighed so much I could sit on a dollar bill and squeeze out change. I was a humongous, jelly bellied, disgusting fat body.

So, two months ago I weighed 213 pounds. I got sick of being fucking fat. I went up to the workout room at my apartment complex and ran on the stupid treadmill for 10 minutes. I thought I was going to die. But I finished the ten minutes, and afterwards began running a minimum of twice a week. Now two months later I've lost 14 pounds. As of this morning (3-20-04) I weigh 199 lbs. I haven't changed any of my eating habits, stopped smoking, gone vegetarian, or any of that other bullshit. If I knew how easy it was I would have been doing this years ago.

Of course, I'm probably still 15-20 pounds overweight for my height, but I'm not trying to be Mr. fucking Universe here. I just want to look moderately good, fit into a pair of pants, and be able to walk up a flight of stairs without dying. I don't need to be able to run a marathon. It's amazing just how little you have to do in order to lose weight. I've started using the weight machine very sparingly, like three sets of ten of a couple of exercises. Two months later and my biceps are noticeably bigger, there's like He-man veins popping out of my arms and shit, and I don't have tits anymore, I have PECTORALS, motherfucka! It's fucking incredible, I'm barely working out for 30 minutes twice a week and I'm getting all crazy strong. So as a fat person myself I will now share the secret of losing weight with all the other fat people in the world. It's the least I can do.

STEP ONE: SHUT UP ABOUT BEING FAT AND JUST ACCEPT IT

Don't try to fool people by wearing vertical stripes or saying baloney like "I'm not fat, I'm just big boned." Bullshit. You're only lying to yourself.

STEP TWO: CUT BACK ON THE TWINKIES

If you stuff your face with Big Macs and Ding Dongs all day you're never gonna lose any weight. Stop that "I just have a sweet tooth" crap. Pull the fucking sweet tooth. This also means not going back to the buffet table for sixths on the potato logs. Doesn't mean you're never allowed to eat a candy bar again, just try to balance the shit out with an apple or something once in a while.

STEP THREE: STOP THE FUCKING ATKINS DIET

You people are all going to die. A diet that high in protein is going to give you all cancer. All fad diets are bullshit- each person has a unique metabolism that processes food in a different way. Just because some fat fuck who was so blubberous that he couldn't walk lost 500 pounds on the Slim Fast diet doesn't mean you will too. All you're doing is wasting money. Spend that cash at the gym instead.

STEP FOUR: TAKE THIS SHIT SERIOUSLY

If you really want to lose weight you will. Half the fat people out there are depressed because they're fat and have given up hope of ever fitting into those jeans again. These are the people who go home and eat 27 gallons of ice cream and then cry themselves to sleep. CUT THAT SHIT OUT! If you're really sick and tired of being a lard ass then get the fuck up off the couch, turn off Star Trek, and go outside and do something about it. Stop fucking whining and crying and get a hold of yourselves.

STEP FIVE: DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT

Go jogging. Lift some weights. Do some jumping jacks. Go for a walk. Do some yoga, whatever, it doesn't matter. Find an exercise regimen that works and that you can stick with. Don't try to become an Olympic gymnast overnight. Start small, because after you do start losing some poundage you'll see that it actually works and you can take that encouragement to work out harder and longer. I can't tell you how much better I feel, and I've only been doing this for a few months. I have Stamina now. I can walk up a flight of steps. Chicks are starting to look at me when I walk in the room. Because when you know you look good and you feel good people of the opposite sex take notice. And that's what it's all about, right people? That's the biggest downside to being fat: Lardasses don't get laid as much as skinny people. So put the grilled stuffed burrito down, turn off Unreal tournament 2004, go put some tennis shoes on and slog that fat bootie around the block a few times. You'll thank yourself in the morning.

Ten Things I Fucking Hate Part 2

1) People who renew their wedding vows: This is just plain stupid. Maybe if your wedding vows meant something in the first place you wouldn't have to do lame bullshit like this to keep from splitting up.

2) Your friend who is trying to recruit you into something: You all know the story; You have a friend who just joined a gym/church/multi-level marketing plan/ etc and he just won't leave you alone. And the thing is if you value the friendship at all you can't just tell him to get lost else they take it all personally. Not me. Anyone who uses the guise of "friendship" to advance their own position within their precious pecking order obviously isn't my fucking friend. Go score your brownie points on someone else, asshole. Come back after you drop out so we can hang out again.

3) People who drive like maniacs in the rain: I live in glorious sunny southern California, perhaps the most temperate place on Earth. 364 days out of the year it's a totally beautiful day outside. But there's at least one day (sometimes up to a week) where a hurricane just comes out of nowhere and buckets will pour down. Thing is no one in L.A. seems to notice the deluge outside and continue to drive the Los Angeles speed limit, which is as fast as fucking possible. Everyone in L.A. seems to have a place to be at any particular moment and they don't care who they have to kill to get there. Heads up people: You are all assholes. Rain will make your car go out of control and kill you. I personally give two and a half shits if you spinout and fly off the freeway overpass to your death but you might hit me in the process. I want to live, I think death by speeding nincompoop in the rain would be a very pathetic way to end my life. Slow the fuck down.

4) Militant Vegans: Oh please, just shut the hell up for fuck's sake. Yes, the cow had to die so I could eat a taco. That's the idea. Nobody cares. And Note to Vegan chicks: Shave your fucking armpits. I'm sure you could find some shaving cream that doesn't have any animal products in it. That is just dang nasty.

5) People who have the Christian "Calvin praying" sticker on their cars: You know, Bill Watterson doesn't make any money from those stickers. They are all bootlegged. I thought stealing was not a very Christian thing to do. And besides if you need a sticker to prove your faith then obviously your faith is pretty fucked up to begin with.

6) People who save shit into their hair: I thought this ridiculous fad died out years ago, but lately it seems to be making a comeback. Of all the fucking things to come back in style it's not something cool like afros or pet rocks or whatever, it's shaving a word onto your head. You look like a walking dildo with the price tag still on it. It was stupid in 1993 and it's stupid today.

7) Persian Gangsters: Oh God, please oh mighty lord, please strike these morons down with your holy asskicking, please pour forth the cup of the wrath of the lord on these fuck-ups, because they are a walking contradiction of the human condition, and are possibly worse than the white guys who act like gangsta's. They are ashamed of the perfectly good cultural background they possess, and instead of acknowledging that their society gave rise to the renaissance, law, and the modern world, have chosen to emulate what they see on MTV. Thus I beg of you almighty God to please consider giving them all a plague of ticks, or perhaps a boil on the end of the penis, or maybe just slap them all in the head with your mighty hand and knock some sense into the silly bastards. Amen.

8) Old people: This one is hardly a surprise. Everyone hates old people.

9) Retards who think they're master hackers because they work at a computer store: Look, I'm just asking you how much this motherboard costs. I don't need a full system rundown on what every fucking chip does, nor why I should buy the one that costs $100 more. I don't care, just price check the fucking thing for me. Ten to one you probably don't know what the hell you're talking about. Obviously if you were that super-computer-smart you wouldn't be working at Best Buy.

10) The "Ugly" friend: Every good looking chick has an ugly friend who she drags around to run interference while she counts heads of who's checking her out. You guys out there know what I'm talking about. The ugly friend is usually fat, or maybe has smaller boobs, or a face full of zits, or a big nose, or something that makes her vastly less attractive than her partner, and that's why the fine chick keeps her around, first of all to make herself feel better, and second to use as a decoy when some loser (like me) tries to make a move. You know the story, you try to introduce yourself and end up talking to Ulga for half an hour while Hotpants watches you squirm. Well fuck you Hotpants. You're a fucking evil bitch and one day you're not going to be so hot anymore. And fuck you too Ulga, if you had any self-esteem you wouldn't let some stupid broad use you like that. At least my hand doesn't play any head games.