A MESSAGE TO GOVENOR SCHWARZENEGGER:

(Originally Posted on Hawanja.com on 11/9/05)

HEY ARHNOLD!

Damn, talk about an asswhippin'. For everyone who lives outside of California and thus doesn't give a crap about my wacky state, our Movie star Govenor just wasted fifty million dollars trying to pass six baloney laws written by his Republican handlers. Arhnoldd traveled around the state, lavishly blowing taxpayer money setting up this bullshit election. But then something happened that the Republicans didn't count on, the goddamed people came out and shot all of thier rediculous inititives down! You failed, your attempt to ban abortion failed, your full of crap drug bill failed, your attempt to 86 public service unions failed, but most importantly of all, your attempt to redistrict the state so that the Republicans can take over in next years election failed.

You lose assholes! Sucks living in a DEMOCRACY doesn't it? Who says Government doesn't work?

P.S. HA HA HA HA!

Bush Is In Trouble. It's About Friggin' Time

(Originally posted on Hawanja.com on 10/5/05)

That election in 2000 did a lot to the political landscape in this country. We're a country that usually prides ourselves on national unity, but this time we got to see just how ideologically divided we really are. You all remember the Red/Blue maps they showed after the 2000 and 2004 elections, showing how much our country just hasn't really changed since the Civil war. There were some protests and people throwing eggs at the presidential motorcade, but thanks to a steady stream of softballing in the media for the most part the liberal blue state people grudgingly shut up and went with the program. Because in America civil wars do not break out when people steal elections. There's a good reason for that which we'll touch upon later.

Bush's first term was all wine and roses, and the media treated it as such. Big ass huge tax cut? Passed, no gripe from the media. Destroy all the environmental regulations? Screw up the schools? Invade another country with phony evidence? No problem. Thanks to Rupert Murdoch and his imitators everyone who didn't go along with it never really got their voices heard. All they needed to do to squelch decent was to show the footage of the twin towers being knocked down.

To people like me, people who voted for John Kerry because he represented the lesser of two evils, it seemed like all of our political nightmares had come true. Evil Republicans were busy turning America into a third world country, ruling by fear and ideology, while anyone who stood in their way got sidelined into the junior college lecture circuit.

But the one thing the Bush people didn't count on is this: While people love to see a hero overcome the odds, they love it even more when a hero is brought down. Bush's second term is when it happens.

The conquering war president who flew on the deck of that aircraft carrier with that "Mission Accomplished" banner behind him is suffering his lowest poll numbers EVER, the lowest of any president since they started taking polls. He couldn't get his Medicare package passed. He nominated a complete moron in the guise of Harriet Miers to the supreme court. He dropped the ball when it came to hurricane relief and embarrassed the entire country. Even some of his own evangelical constituents are starting to get pissed at him. Tom Delay is up to his neck in scandal and is pulling every dirty trick in the book to get out of it (such as smearing the prosecutor and attempting to get the judge replaced because the donated to Moveon.org last year.) And it's becoming completely obvious, even to the full of shit media, that his top aides including Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, and possibly Vice President Cheney, had a hand in smearing Joseph Wilson by outing his CIA agent wife.

Hey conservative people, you can't blame the media this time. You assholes own the media. You've owned it for years. From day one the major news networks have gone easy on Bush and his cohorts. And it helps that all the damn radio stations are also owned by the same people. How many radio stations does Fox/Clearchannel own now? Like all of them? So don't let me hear any of you assholes pulling the "Liberal Media" card, because that's a crock of shit. And lo and behold, all the crap we "Blue state people" were yippin and hollerin' about, all the crap you conservatives refused to believe, all of it is now being reported as accepted truth. Like say, there was no connection between Iraq and Al Queda, and the Iraqi agent story meeting with Al Queda in Europe was bullshit. Or that Iraq didn't try to buy Uranium yellow cake from Nigeria (which sparked the whole Valerie Plame scandal that is currently biting the administration in the bootay.) I remember having very heated flame wars over these subjects on various conservative chat boards, yet everyone called me a crank. But now it's reported as true, by YOUR media. I told you so.

And so it appears this administration is on it's way to being throughly humbled, and it's about goddamned time. Bush will finish up his lame duck term, and best case scenario will be too wracked with scandal to destroy anything else. It's refreshing to read a newspaper or go to news website and like, actually read the truth. There's only so much bullshit you can whitewash. So now all America needs to do is whether the neocon storm until they implode upon themselves. Which should be by like, next Friday or so.

That's what you get when you vote with your TV set instead of your brain.

Ten Things I Fucking Hate Part 7

(Originally Posted on Hawanja.com on 9/1905)

1) Celebrities that think since they're rich or good looking that they like matter: I hate celebrities, I hate celebrities, I fucking hate celebrities. Just because you've cut a shitty record or were in a couple of dumb ass movies now I'm supposed to do everything you say? Fuck you.

2) Internet whores: When you spend the better part of the day sitting there mindlessly flipping through links yet absorbing nothing you are essentially circumventing what the internet is intended for. It's supposed to be interactive, meaning you're supposed to be doing shit while you're on it. You know, like talking to people and learning stuff. Not sitting there like a dumbass, staring blankly at low res titties and flaming noobs in forums. You're treating it like it's TV.

3) Body Odor: I never really noticed until recently that most people really do seriously smell awful. There's this one guy at my work we call "Hot Garbage," because he smells like somebody microwaved a hefty sack of refuse. Seriously people, how can you not notice that you smell like total shit? Goddamn, it's called deodorant.

4) Fools who get stupid tattoos: When you are ninety you are going to feel like a dumbass. It's cool with me if looking like a circus freak is your thing. But please, but a little bit of thought into it before you blindly get that tat of Marge Simpson with her vagina where your bellybutton is.

Actually, it's not cool with me. You're fucking stupid.

5) When the cable company plays commercials for the service that you're watching the commercial on: I use Adelphia, because cable companies are one of the few left that have a legal monopoly. Well, except technically they don't have a monopoly because now you can get a satellite dish. So what do I see now every five minutes on my Cable TV, the service I pay $40 a month for? I see commercials for the exact same service I currently pay for. Hey assholes, if I'm seeing this commercial it means I'm already using your service. So what's the fucking point?

6) Women with children who think since they carry this shitmachine around with them then they deserve some kind of special treatment: Look, not my fault your ass forgot to pull out. Now I gotta put up with your bullshit all day. Just because you have a kid doesn't mean you get to drive like a maniac or act like a bitch at the grocery store. Fuck you and your kid.

7. The Verizon wireless "Can you hear me now?" Guy: Goddamn I hate commercials. And nice corporatizing the peace symbol there.

8. Cops who pull you over and lie about it: The other day I got pulled over for not having a front licence plate. Bool-sheeet. Not having a front licence plate is like not signaling to turn when you're in the turning lane, it's such a minor offense that most cops don't even bother. The truth is he pulled me over because it was an opportunity. Look, I know it's your job to find psychos and terrorists and such and I support that, just don't bullshit me.

9. Angry white people who can't wait in line like everybody else: A little story here: I went to a Shlockbuster last week to get a couple of movies. It was Friday night so the place was packed. People in line were starting to get impatient. You know that Frankenstein mentality people get when waiting in line, people start talking shit about how this place sucks and this is why they never come here anymore, yet nobody can explain why they all happened to end up here at the same time or why the line isn't long enough for them to just leave. People like to delude themselves into thinking they have important shit to do. Of course that important shit involves renting fucking movies. I didn't see any of those assholes trying to cure cancer on Friday night.

Anyway, the guy at the front was busting his ass to go as fast as he could. Anyone who's ever worked retail knows you can't just take the customer's money and throw them out the door. They make you do all kinds of other bullshit too, like mention current special deals going on, trying to upsell, etc. That's what working at places like a video store entail, you know, making money for the place and everything. And if you don't do this to every fucking person the boss gets on your ass about it. Anyone who's ever been a clerk knows the drill. That's why they always have kids work these kinds of jobs, because kids put up with all kinds of bullshit that no self respecting person with an education would subject themselves to. And for minimum wage to boot. So anyway I felt sorry for the guy and tried to not get pissed off about waiting fifteen minutes in line. I'm not curing cancer on Friday night either.

So, after about ten minutes this arrogant white lady starts getting all pissy, starts complaining all loud, pissing people off, yelling at the guy to hurry it up. People around her were starting to get very uncomfortable. To make it worse she cuts in front of everyone to bitch this poor clerk out, forces him to take a guy off a break to come out and help her sorry ass so SHE gets to rent her movies in front of everyone else. Then this fucking arrogant cuntbag pulls the "I'm gonna call the corporate office" bullshit, rips the guy's nametag off and demands her rentals for free.

She pissed me off so much that I couldn't take it anymore, so I just walked up behind her and kicked her in the back of the head. Her fat arrogant ass fell like a sack of rice. Then I ground my elbow into her eyesocket. Then I paid for my movies and left while she was still flailing around like a headless fish. The poor clerk looked up at me with tears of "Thank you!" in his eyes.

It seems to be only white baby boomers who think acting like this in public is acceptable behavior. Those kinds of people who've gotten everything they've ever wanted their whole lives, and think the sole reason they exist entitles them to special treatment. I fucking hate my parent's generation.

We should kill them all.

10. Rodents: I don't hate rodents because they're creepy, disease ridden, filthy, or make me cry like a little girl (which they do.) I hate them because they are incredibly, deviously intelligent. Anyone who's had to deal with rats in their house knows how smart those little motherfuckers are. That is why they frighten me, because they know I know I'm onto their plan for world domination. The rodents have to be stopped before it's too late.

It's All Falling Apart

(Originally posted on Hawanja.com on 9/4/05)

I would like to take a moment to offer my condolences and solidarity to the families in New Orleans who have lost loved ones and have had their lives ruined by Hurricane Katrina. We're all rootin' for you and hope you come out of this nightmare safely.

What people are starting to realize is that events like this hurricane are a wake up call for this country. The general feeling we all get is that natural disasters like this are "acts of God," and cannot be prevented or prepared for. Well, the former is true. You can't stop a hurricane. But you damn well can prepare for it.

It is starting to trickle out that federal funding for flood levies was cut last year to free up moola for (among other things) George Bush's tax cuts for the rich and the war in Iraq. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Already all the right wing media assholes are turning into damage control mode in regard to this story. You can tell when an issue is being ignored by the major media when they do stories that report around it, i.e. focusing on logistical facts (as in there are X number of people here, Y number of people dead, etc) as well as doing "human" stories of the "one man's tale in the face of adversity" type. While these kinds of stories are interesting (and are designed to get the ratings by invoking emotional responses) they don't really do much to report on the why of the issue.

The real facts are this is the twelfth storm in the Caribbean to warrant being named this year. Twenty years ago you could expect three, maybe four hurricanes a year, with only one of them being a class five if you were unlucky. Not anymore. Why is that? Why is the weather acting all screwy all over the fucking world? Could it have something to do with, oh I don't know, GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE? Don't you think maybe now that we have massive storms destroying our costal cites every few years that it might be time to listen to what the scientific community has been saying for the last thirty years, that global fucking warming is real and it's time we got our heads out of our asses and did something about it?

Federal funding was cut for the canal and levy system in New Orleans. Hey, maybe that's why they broke down and the whole city flooded. Truth is federal funding has been cut across the board for everything, from health care, education, everything except the military and law enforcement. What we are seeing is the result of our national policies. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that the damage from this hurricane wouldn't have been so great if some time and money were taken to fix up the infrastructure and evacuate all the people, in fact this hurricane probably wouldn't have happened at al if we took Global warming seriously in this country.

There really is no excuse for such widespread devastation in an American city like this. When an earthquake hit near my hometown in Northridge, California in 1994 the power was out for three days. There was looting and rioting, the national guard was called out. A 7.5 earthquake hit San Francisco in 1989 hundreds of people were killed and billions of dollars of damages was there result there too. When that Hurricane hit Florida two years ago there was widespread devastation. But none of those places were allowed to fall into utter pandemonium like New Orleans. Total chaos did not break out, there weren't gangs of drug addicts running around with guns afterward looting and pillaging, and there weren't people breaking into stores stealing food because they were desperate to survive. Because in each of those situations the authorities took the appropriate recovery steps immediately. Don't tell me this situation is different, it's not different. Yes, there is devastation here on a scale that outstrips all of the examples I've mentioned, but that's no excuse. There is no reason all those people had to languish in that stadium for five days without food and water. There is no reason people have to remain stranded on their rooftops and in their attics with water up to their necks. There should have been people there the next goddamned day. It's inexcusable.

Another thing we're hearing is that the people who were left behind were poor and didn't have cars, and thus couldn't' escape. So that's how we treat poor people in this country, just leave their asses behind huh? Don't have a car when the disaster hits? Then I guess it's tough shit for you, huh? It's not like they didn't know this storm was coming. They had a week to get those people out of there. How about commandeering some school buses and dragging those people the hell out of there the day before the storm hit? Another thing we're hearing is that a lot of these people were waiting until Friday (payday) so they'd have the money to travel. Sounds like a bullshit excuse a politician made to cover his ass, and it is. This is horrible and shameful at the same time.

It all adds up to the fact that things are starting to fall apart. The war is taking all of our money, killing our soldiers, and now people here are starting to feel the crunch. One major event like a hurricane has the power to destroy a whole city, to drive gas prices above $3.00 a gallon and fuck up the economy, destroy the 3rd largest port in the nation and throw us into chaos. What would happen if right now there was a major earthquake, or Mt. Saint Helens erupted, or a terrorist attack? What would happen if the Chinese took this opportunity, with our army abroad and our domestic forces in disarray to lob a few atom bombs at us, or say a more realistic scenario, move in on Japan, India, or Taiwan? What if there was a major outbreak of avian flu, or SARS, or some horrible bio-agent some terrorist bastard snuck into the country but was just waiting until we were at our weakest to nail us with it? We're heading straight towards a brick wall in so many ways it's not funny.

Make no mistake, this is not the last time this is going to happen. We're going to see more and more of this, the next time an epidemic strikes it's going to kill thousands instead of a few dozen, the next time an earthquake hits it's going to paralyze a city instead of a mere hiccup, the next time there's a terrorist attack there's going to be nationwide martial law. Because the criminals in charge refuse to take fucking responsibility for their own mistakes and it's starting to get through their heads that the system is going to collapse. But they won't go down without dragging us all down with them.

People are starting to realize our government in it's present corrupt state won't protect them. Notice I didn't say can't protect them, I said won't protect them. Because we have the most goddamned money, we have the best trained people in the world, we have technology so efficient and advanced that no other country can even touch us, our military is so strong and widespread that places like Saudi Arabia are protected by it, yet when the ball is in our court everything fucks up and nobody takes the blame. What the fuck.

Lately it seems people always talk about the future in hushed tones, like "Someday this and this is going to happen. When the shit hits the fan all of us are going to suffer" Here's a newsflash for you people: The shit is hitting the fan right now. It's not going to feel good to say "I told you so" this time. If we don't purge the criminal element out of our government and start getting shit on track we are going to be sorry. Do we have to get to a point where Katrina type hurricanes happen twenty times a year before we start doing something about it?

Fuck Sony: Why I Won't Buy A PSP

(Originally posted on Hawanja.com on 7/29/05)

The PSP is awsome. It looks cool, the games are nice, it's compact, the screen is incredible, plus it's hacakable to do all kinds of cool shit. The day it came out all the guys at the office show up with thier PSPs that they had to wait outside of the store at 6 am to get. I was blown away.

Then why don't I get one? Why aren't I dropping the three bills to partake in the high tech piece of ultra goodness? Why am I writing a page called "Fuck Sony?" Becasue Sony fucking sucks donkey nuts, that's why. Before all the fanboys start complaining, let me explain my particular gripe here with the PSP, proprietary format.

In order to watch your own videos on a PSP you have to encode them on a memory stick. In order to get anything of decent length you'll need at least 1 GB. But the PSP only works with Sony's own propritary line of memeory cards, Memory Stick PRO Duo format. So I've already dropped $250+ on a PSP and games and crap, now I have to spend another $100 on Sony's special brand of memory card to get full useage out of it. Fuck that.

Plus add to the fact that your video has to be in some wierd-ass Sony codec to run. So if I compress a 2 hr movie down to 1GB with Xvid or something, too bad, can't watch that. Sony's own codec only lets you get on about half an hour of video on 1GB. Like one episode of the Simpsons. They don't even include the damn program in with the PSP either, you have to download 4 different programs to do it (Sony's own program costs an additional 10$, bringing the total price of the PSP, 1 GB Memory Stick PRO Duo card, and Sony video encoding program to $310.) Many people have pointed out to me that all the restrictions Sony places on it's PSP in regards to format and security are easily circumvented or otherwise hackable, and anyone with a brain should be able to get around them. That's fine, but the point is you shouldn't have to do all this in order to get full intended usuage. All the other portable media players out there work with many types of memory cards, play many types of formats, I don't have to spend more and more money every time I turn around just to watch an episode of Family Guy while waiting in line at the DMV. What the hell kind of crap is this?

How hard would have it been to make the PSP compatible with any type of memory card? Why can't I use a cheaper card I already own, why the hell do I have to buy thier memory card? That's like me buying a Panasonic DVD player and finding out it only plays Panasonic DVDs. How hard would have it been to include the coding software with the package? How hard would have it been to allow the PSP to use other types of video codecs? It's bullshit.



Fucking Greedy ass Sony.

Judith Miller, Neocon Tool

(Orignially posted on Hawanja.com on 7/10/05, during the hieght of the Valerie Plame C.I.A. scandal)

Even if we win, we lose. Goddammit.

If any of you are regular readers of my little site here, then you've heard me bitch and moan about the injustice done to Valerie Plame, the wife of former ambassador Joseph C. Wilson IV. For those of you who don't know, back before the phoney baloney Iraq war started Wilson gave a report basically stating that the claim that Iraq tried to buy Uranium yellow cake from Niger was total crapola, and somebody in the Bush White House decided to ruin his wife's carrer as a little payback. This was a big deal a few months ago but then everyone forgot about it. Well, let me rephrase that. The media forgot about it. On purpose.

Anyway, it looks like it's back now, with a vengance. I don't know how many people are following this story, what with terrorism, hurricanes, the G-8 summit going on, etc. But it appears now that the reporters who broke the story (and exposed Valerie Plame, thus ruining whatever network she had in place and putting her and the people she works with in extreme danger of retrebution) have been ordered to name the source of the information. And, as our full of shit government doesn't have any journalistic shield laws to speak of (which are usually reserved for the states,) one of the reporters (Time magazine reporter Matthew Cooper) has been given permission by Time to testify, while the other (New York Times reporter Judith Miller) is going to the big house for a few months for sticking to her journalistic guns.

Now you would think this would be good news for those of us who want to see whoever it was that did this *cough* KARL ROVE *cough* out on his ass where he belongs for pulling this stunt. Becasue he deserves it and it's about time somebody in that administration gets held accountable for something. But under closer examination this is bad news for the rest of us for two reasons:

1) It will set precedent that any reporter who breaks a controversial story with an unamed source can be forced to reveal said source, thereby scaring potential whistle blowers and helping dirtbag politicians and corporations get away with even more bullshit.

2) It will enable our slowly-creeping-towards-a-police-state-government to get even more control over the media, like they need anymore that is.

I would like nothing more than to wake up and find who was responsible for the hit job on Valerie Plame on the front cover of the New York times, hiding his head under his jacket as they lead his ass to the slammer. But this isn't the way to do it. This is the same people taking advantage of the situation to get something they've wanted for a long time: Power to prosecute journalists for stories they don't like. This is censorship at it's most direct form.

We're supposed to be fighting terrorists, right? Now, that means in order to hunt them down and kill them we have to like, find out who they are and stuff. That essentially was Valerie Plame's job, investigating the whereabouts and capabilties of weapons of mass destruction in the middle east. It was her job to find out who the damn terrorists were, and if they actually had any suitcase nukes. So you would think it would be a little counter productive to oust her like that. Becasue if she's made public that blows any agents she may have working for her, also any people she might be getting info on, anyone who might be an informant for her, etc, essentially screwing up the whole operation. Why does this matter? BECASUE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FIGHTING FUCKING TERRORISTS, GODDAMMIT! A lot of people tell me to support the troops becasue they're putting thier lives on the line everyday. Well people like Valerie Plame put their lives on the line to make this country safe too, even more so. Then somebody in the Bush White House decides to get even with her husband for telling the truth. And some of you voted for these people.

No doubt I'll get some more e-mail from people calling me a traitor about this, so let me put it in a way even conservatives can understand. Whoever ousted Valerie Plame is the real traitor. Whoever did it not only put her life in danger, but also your life, my life, and everyone else's life also. Becasue without intelligence, there is no war. Without information, there is no place to drop the bombs. Without our intelligence network working at it's full capacity without fear of asshole politicans using their identity for revenge against political dissidents we will never stop the terrorists. We can't kill the terrorists if we don't know who they are. Now do you see why this is such a big deal?

So, getting back on topic, it looks like it will finally come out who the hell is responsible for this is. Good, fuck'em. But the freaky part is that it's being done in such a way that from now on reporters are going to be scared of quoting confidential sources. This is very, very, very, very bad, for all of us. Becasue you won't see any muckracking investigative journalism anymore if everyone is too scared of being sued or thrown in jail to spill the beans. If you have to list and name every source for a story everytime you expose something that certain people won't like and people start getting put away for that, then you're not going to see those kinds of stories anymore. You're going to start seeing "happy" news. News that is inoffensive. News that is positive to those in power. News that doesn't step on anyone's toes. And as a result, news that is completely irrelevant. If you think the media is full of shit now, come back in five years.

The real sad part of all this is Judith Miller. See, she is one of those wacky psyco-right collumnists who beat the drumbeats for war and basically printed anything the necons told her. Now she's sticking to her journalistic principles (which she should do becasue it's the right thing) and those politicians who she trusted so much are taking advantage of her situation to ruin the power of journalists. You'd think that the White House would have her back since she is like one of thier staunchest supporters. Guess that shows the mindset here. Judith Miller is getting the spikey dildo in every which way possible. She's a tool, and is being used like one.

There are going to be larger implications from this. I am making a prediction now, so pay attention (becasue after all, I am right about everything.) Years from now people are going to look back at the outcome of this current piece of political theatre and see that it's the day the media officially stopped being the fourth branch of government. If Micheal Cooper and Judith Miller are forced to name thier sources then it's all over. The media will be officially powerless. All of us out in internet land already know the mainstream media is full of shit, the difference is now they will start acting like it. Expect to see news anchors dressed up like clowns anyday now.

We lose, and the fucking terrorists win. They just blew up London. Maybe if we weren't so busy shooting our own intelligence network in the foot somebody could have stopped them. Good job assholes.

Television Is Dead

(Originally posted on Hawanja.com on 5/15/05, in reaction to the cancellation of Star Trek: enterprise, a day that will live in infanmy for dorks like me.)

UPN has cancelled Star Trek. Goddammit.

Yes, I am a dork. Yes, I watch Star Trek. You know why? Becasue television is so pathetic nowadays that Star Trek is the best show on TV. Yes, I know it's essentially a soap opera with Vulcans, I understand that. I know fat guys who don't get laid watch Star Trek. I know the risks and I took them. I like Star Trek. I am a "Trekker."

But seriously, what else is there on TV that comes even close to Star Trek? Let's take a look at other popular shows that somehow manage to stay on the air instead of Star Trek: Enterprise:

Desperate Housewives: Ugly old white women bitch and moan about how they never get laid. Boring.

Law and Order: A show about Lawyers. Fuck Lawyers.

The Apprentice: Stupid ass reality TV show starring everyone's favorite cardbaord cut-out Donald Trump. Essentially Survivor in an office building. Real original premise there.

Fear Factor: Watch various human rejects get buckets of Amazon trarantulas dumped on thier heads for money. Fun shit.

CSI: Crime Scene Investigations: Supermodels that are waaayy too good looking to be cops go out and use every trick in the Mystery Mobile to solve crimes usually perpetrated by the first guy they pick up. I really like how all these shows have the (now standard) super duper computer that somehow can pick out one microbe from a wheelbarrow of vomit and tie it in to somebody's genetic code or whatever. These shows should be seen for what they are: comedy. Like in every show the bad guy just gives up and admits everything at the end, nice message they're sending us: "We know you did it so when you get arrested just give up becasue we know more than you." At least with Star Trek you know it's fantasy. In real life the cops use computers older than your grandmother, have their heads up thier asses, and usually convict people by the skin of thier teeth. And how many spin-off of this show do we need? Two fucking spin-offs at the same time? So if you just can't wait until next week for your steaming helping of bullshit you can just tune in tomorrow for the exact same show with different people in it? They have a different CSI show for every day of the week. "Comming soon! CSI: Bangladesh!" These shows are rediculous. Fuck CSI.

Everybody Loves Raymond: Everybody loves my anus.

24: Watch how the military industrial complex is slowly turning your beloved country into a police state, starring Kiefer Sutherland, the one actor who keeps getting his movie roles stolen by Kevin Bacon and had to do a TV show instead. Oh yeah, the President's black too. Like that will ever happen. (On subsequent viewings, I somewhat like this show as it's funny to watch Kiefer Sutherland act circles around the rest of the cast. It really shows the difference between someone who gets paid $20 million and the other bozos they got out of Backstreet ads. Plus whenever they torture someone it's cool.)

(Edit: Nov 4th, 2008 - Wow, the President is now black. 24 was right, and I was wrong. I will now watch this show.)

The Amazing Race: Just like Fear Factor except now they fly you to Africa to dig for a marble through a pile of Hippopotomus shit. And once they made them eat a scrambled ostrich egg. Jesus Christ I hate TV.

Lost: Buncha assholes on an Island, and they don't even have sex or eat each other. What the hell else you gonna do on an island if it doesn't involve fornication or cannabalism? Lame.

Survivor: Oh wait, here's a show about a buncha assholes on an Island, but instead of orgies or eating each other they're competing in stupid contests and stabbing each other in the back to win a million dollars. You know what this show is? Bumfights. Bumfights on an Island. Twenty people fucking each other over for donuts, on an Island. Wow, it took some brains to come up with this shit. Fuck Survivor, Fuck Survivor, Fuck Survivor.

Without a Trace: Ohh! I've lost my kid! HHEEELLLPPP MEEEE! Watch as unrealistically effcient police officers hunt down sterotypical child molestor stock characters within two hours while in real life you're better off just having another kid becasue the cops just go out and slap a couple of pictures on milk cartons and call it a day. The funny part is people think this crap is real.

Numbers: Dumbass cop can't get his shit together so he gets his super genius brother to help him becasue he's such a fucking Enstien with numbers he's living in a trailer and not out in Las Vegas breaking the bank at Casinos. Yeah, ok. As you can see I just made up the premise of the show becasue I've never actually watched it. Ten to one I'm not that far off. How's that for some fucking number crunching you morons.

Trading Spouses: My god, television has sunk to a new low. Now it's like Survivor but in your house. And the catch? We switched MOMS on you! Hoooo-boooooy, this is gonna be some FUN SHIT! And you shitheads actually watched this crapola. Please go shoot yourselves.

I could go on and on, but fuck it. Suffice to say that TV is dead, no thought, planning, let alone creativity goes into television programs anymore. Now any dimwit fuckhead with a camcorder just films himself jizzing into the Jello bowl and calls it a "Reality TV show" while the rest are bullshit cop shows that recycle TJ Hooker plots but this time with a comptuer in the background. How about some shows with a little, you know, entertainment involved? You know, shows where the actors like, ACT out parts instead of compete in stupid contests? Am I the only person left on Earth who thinks to be on TV you should have some like, you know that thing people on TV used to have, TALENT?

You know what the worst part of this is? Star Trek got cancelled so they could put Britiney Spears' new reality show in it's time slot. Yup, Miss Spears now has her own stupid ass show, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. And you fuckheads are going to watch it. And buy shit from their sponsors. And propogate the reality show disease for generations to come.

There would have been a time when I would have ended this little sermon with a call to arms to destroy this plauge that infects the airwaves, but I know you dumbasses are too stupid to care. So all of you go and watch Britney and Kevin walk around and go shopping and talk about people you don't know and do stupid bullshit, and I'll play with my Enterprise action figures. Then maybe I'll go masturbate to naked pictures of T'Pal and cry myself to sleep.

Television is now officially dead.

P.S. - You may gather from the above that I don't have much faith in our valued police departments to enforce the democratically instituted laws of our glorious land in a just and professional manner. You're right. I don't.

P.S.S - Britney's dumbass show didn't get past one episode. They cancelled Star Trek for this bitch. I'm glad she went insane.