I Hate Your Kids

(Originally posted on Hawanja.com in Dec. 2003)

You know something? We spend an awful lot of time looking after your kids. I don't mean only parents with children, I mean we, the rest of us in the world without children, we spend a lot of time looking after your kids.

Child labor laws, the movie ratings system, delinquency cops, reckless endangerment of a child, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, the guy who checks ID's at a bar, all the shit that we do, as individuals and a society, to police, maintain, watch over, and keep an eye on your children is immense. Well you know something? I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm not going to pay attention when somebody thinks they deserve special treatment because they have a stupid kid. I could care less about you because you forgot to pull out. The fact that you have a little maggot with legs does not mean that you are some kind of special class of citizen where the normal rules of decency do not apply. I don't care if you're tired or angry because you've been dealing with screaming children all day, not my problem. Next time take some precautions; They are called rubbers, and you can get them at the liquor store.

How many times do you hear about a child getting lost at a mall or some other public place because the stupid lady was too busy looking at waffle irons to pay attention to what their kid is doing? If you are going to bring your little boy outside, LOOK at him once in a while, you know? Like glance in his general direction every couple of minutes to make sure he's not playing with the electrical wires or something. When I was a little toddler my Dad wouldn't take me anywhere unless he kept me within a three foot radius at all times. He did not let me run around like a monster, fucking things up and annoying grown ups.

Another thing is little kids eat like animals. The next time you bring a kid to a restaurant make your kid act in a civilized manner. I used to work at a Burger joint and I could hear a collective "Groan!" from the entire place whenever a family would come in with little children. They are loud. They scream. They cry. They throw shit at each other. They leave a big fucking mess. TEACH YOUR FUCKING KID TO EAT LIKE A HUMAN BEING! That means putting the food in their mouth and not on the floor, chewing it up and not spitting it all over the place, and not taking the crayons and drawing all over the table, or running around the place like an animal and getting in people's way. While I'm at it, CLEAN UP AFTER THE LITTLE PUNK BEFORE YOU LEAVE! I don't give a fuck if you are at a restaurant and there is a guy who has a job cleaning tables, when you leave a big-ass disgusting mess it's just goddamed rude. At least form all the crumbs, used napkins, and assorted disgustingness left behind by your offspring into a little pile or something. Common courtesy folks, I know some of you out there have it.

I'm just sick of people who get all arrogant because they have kids. The kids themselves are innocent; they don't know that acting like a monster in public is bad. They are just trying to have fun. It is your job, as the fucking parent, to teach them how to act when they are around adults. It is not my job to teach your kids, it is not my job to clean up after your kids, it is not my job to look for them when they get lost or kidnapped, it is not my job to keep alcohol or nudie mags out of their hands or to make sure they don't hear naughty words on TV or play violent video games. It is your job, because you're the one that used the rhythm method. You're the one who conceived and gave birth to the fucking thing. The kid is yours, not mine, and I'm not helping you out anymore. Screw you and your stupid kids.

Shut The Hell Up And Let Gay People Get Married

Lately I've been debating Christians on the internet about the pros and con of Gay marriage. Their argument seems to be if we let homos tie the not then it will lead to the destruction of the civilized world (this was on the LOTE forum until I was permanently banned there recently, but luckily I've found a new forum to bag on conservatives.) Problem is that particular forum is censored, so I can't say any bad language, let alone anything overly offensive against Christians else my post doesn't make it. Furthermore they don't tell you it's been 86'ed so it looks like you gave up. Since I have my own website and I can say whatever the fuck I want on it I will now proceed to pick apart the case against Gay marriage, piece by piece.


BULLSHIT LIE # 1: MARRIAGE IS NOT A RIGHT

I could be wrong here but last time I checked they let any moron get married to whoever the hell they want. There certainly isn't an intelligence requirement to getting married. So if it's not a "right," then how come we still let convicted drug dealers, rapists, or serial killers get married? How come we let any kind of human slime get hitched and breed more dirtbags but we don't let an honest, hardworking person who contributes to society get married in a union that will not produce more children? Am I the only one who thinks this doesn't make sense?

It is your right, as a human being, to decide who the hell you want to get married to. No one has the right to tell you otherwise. Used to be back in the olden days that all marriages were arranged, and marriage depended more on trade, commerce, and the family holdings than it did about love. While it might be like that still in Saudi Arabia, it is not in America. In America you have the right to choose who you want to get hitched to. It doesn't matter if your potential spouse it Black, White, Indian, rich, poor, homeless, or even a non-citizen, nobody can stop you from tying the knot.


LOAD OF SHIT LIE #2: Gay Marriage will lead to legalizing Polygamy, Incest, or somebody marrying an intimate object.

Bullshit, nobody who wants gay marriage wants to also legalize polygamy, incest, group marriages, etc. That's a slippery slope argument; The idea the bad thing A leads to bad thing B leads to bad thing C, but it's not always necessarily so. The people who want gay marriage are consenting and (for the most part) responsible adults who just want to marry the person they're in love with and live happily ever after. No one wants to marry their cat, the entire Dallas cowboys, or a box of cereal. It's fucking stupid to think that. If you people are going to make shit up at least think about it for a few minutes.


BULLSHIT LIE #3: WE ARE CONCERNED PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DEFEND THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE AND FAMILY

First off, marriage is not an institution. The New York Stock exchange is an Institution. Focus on the Family is an institution. The Catholic Church is an institution. The local Moose club of funny-hat wearing old men in an Institution. Marriage is a social custom which has thousands of forms throughout the world's history and is not limited by who or what marries you. A marriage by the pope and a marriage at Shotgun Harley's weddings and casino steakhouse hold the same legal meaning. The Modern incarnation of the United States is no different in this regard than the Zulus of 18th century South Africa or the ancient Samaritans, marriage has not suddenly become some immobile, untouchable autocratic monstrosity that is solely defined by a man and a woman in a church with a pipe organ, ring boy, flower girls, and bad reception music.

Second, a "family" is not solely defined by Mom, Dad, and the 2.5 kids. Family includes anyone who is related to you by blood or marriage. So what difference is there between a traditional nuclear family and one that just happens to have two fathers or two mothers? Not much. A family with two gay parents is still a "Family." And as for the people who say that a gay family is not "normal," know what I say to that? Fuck you. Who the fuck are you to say what's normal? Nowhere is there any evidence that doesn't come to of a right wing Christian psudeo-science think tank that says kids brought up by two parents of the same gender will grow up to become serial killers. It's a load of shit, which brings us to or next lie:


FULL OF SHIT LIE #4: CHILDREN BROUGHT UP BY GAY PARENTS WILL BE HOSTILE TOWARDS CHRISTIAN PEOPLE AND WILL KILL THEM IN THE FUTURE:

I know it sounds ridiculous, but this is what these people actually believe. They really do think that gay marriage will breed a generation of young people who in some time in the future will participate in the murder, jailing, rape, and oppression of the wider Christian community. I nearly laughed out loud when I heard this, but I didn't because I was holding my face in my hands in embarrassment. Are you people fucking kidding? Is this some kind of joke? Nobody is going to kill you, nobody is going to throw you in jail, and how the hell is a gay man going to rape your daughter if he's gay? It's just plain fucking stupid. Shut the hell up before you say something intelligent for crying out loud.

What they will do is breed a generation of young people that doesn't buy into the Evangelical give-me-money bullshit, and that's what you people are afraid of. You're afraid that if everyone is suddenly taught from a young age how completely full of baloney people like Jerry Farwell and James Dobson are then suddenly the donations are going to dry up and you assholes are going to have to get real jobs. Then they might get brave and decide to Tax all those fuckers. So don't try to pull the oppression card okay? There's a big difference between removing a poster with the Ten Commandments on it and a bunch of random fucking skinheads beating the shit out of you and lighting you on fire. "Oh, they won't let me do a report on Jesus at school and they teach EVOLUTION and somebody made fun of my "Calvin Praying at Calvary" sticker, oh I'm so OPPRESSED!" Just shut the fuck up. Nobody cares.


BULLSHIT LIE #5: GAY MARRIAGE WILL LEAD TO WIDER INSTANCES OF DEPRESSION, DRUG USE, SUICIDE, ETC.

Bullshit. Every time somebody says this I ask them why, and nobody can give me a good reason. They usually quote some b.s. study done by the family research council or some other reactionary baloney factory. It's just not true. I know that the entire Evangelical Christian movement is based on how many lies they can get away with coupled with how angry they can make you so you'll give them more money, so I don't blame Evangelicals for being short a few nails on the cross. You wouldn't be an Evangelical if you had a brain. Nobody with half a neuron buys into any crap people like the Family Research Council put out. Just remember that the fact that you can believe totally implausible crap with absolutely no proof does not make your convictions stand out more, it just makes you look retarded.

As for drug use, suicide, depression, welfare scams, etc, all that stuff goes in cycles that are more closely related to economic cycles than anything else. That means that rich people usually don't smoke crack or throw themselves off buildings. It's only the poor, desperate people that continually get bootie ranked with the spiky dildo who resort to alcoholism, drugs, prostitution, or a shotgun to the head. And I might add that someone who is in a stable enough relationship to seek marriage usually has a lower instance of said above problems, simply because they have somebody else to slap them in the head when they fuck up. Doesn't matter if you're gay or not.

It just makes me sick to see people who are supposed to be out there preaching love and hope totally shit on a segment of our society simply because their leaders are making money off it. Hey Jesus was an unmarried man who wore a dress all day and hung out with twelve other guys. I bet you Mary Madeline was his fag hag. Did that sentence piss you off? Good, because that's what you're doing to the one final minority that it's still okay to fuck with in our society, the homosexuals. There is no difference from what you say than from the Klu Klux Klan. At least the Neo-Nazis and Skinheads don't try to hide behind God.

Fun With Your Local Video Store

Chances are your local video store is a Blockbuster. Why would you want to cause havoc at Blockbuster Video? Mainly because they suck. Blockbuster is owned by some total religious asshole who has a habit of editing movies without telling people. They cut all the good parts out of the Bad Lieutenant, all the gory scenes out of Peter Jackson's awesome zombie flick Dead Alive, refused to carry the NC -17 version of Showgirls, etc. The thing is that they do not tell their customers that they have chosen to censor their movies, and since when a BlockBuster comes to your town it drives all the other video stores out of business half the time people don't even know they are getting the shit treatment on their video rentals. Also Blockbuster won't carry any movies that don't come from major distributors, so forget about The Toxic Avenger. It annoys me how they have ten billion copies of the exact same shit filling up twenty shelves yet one little section for everything else. BlockBuster is the reason Hollywood sucks so much. Back in the early 80's when VCRs were still a new thing you could film a piece of shit movie with your home camcorder and it would get on the shelf right next to the latest Hollywood big-budget extravaganza. Not anymore. Now your indie film languishes at film festivals where only art-filmy people have access to it while the rest of us are stuck with the latest Batman movie. All because of stupid BlockBuster.

The following pranks could conceivably be performed at any video store, not just BlockBuster. Have fun!

DISCLAIMER: Anyone who actually does any of this stuff is a fool and a moron. I am not responsible for the actions of anyone who does these types of pranks. Not my problem. I do not advocate stealing or property damage in any way. This page is intended for humorous purposes only. If you get caught doing any of this stupid stuff it's your own damn fault. Don't get lawyer happy.

1) While the clerk isn't looking switch tapes and DVDs around on the shelf. Put them into different boxes. Take videos out of the "For sale" section and place them on the rental shelves, and vice versa.

2) Try to rent your movie with your Ralphs or Lucky's rewards discount card, or use Monopoly money.

3) Place ransom notes into video boxes on the shelves, or pictures of supermodels with their eyes burned out with a cigarette.

4) Send letters threatening to boycott them if they don't stock Brutal Anal penetrations part VIII.

5) Get a drink (preferably some type of Ice Blended Mocha with lots of whipped cream) and accidentally spill it all over the place. Say you're sorry.

6) On a Friday night when they're lots of people around dress up in a bunny suit and start to hide Easter eggs in various nooks and crannies around the store. When they stop you tell them you are the real Easter bunny. Act all offended and start screaming "You will never destroy Easter!" Make sure any little children around hear you.

7) Film yourself (or a friend) doing some real disgusting shit, like vomiting onto a pile of shrimp and then rubbing it all over your naked body and having small dogs lick it off, then make a label called "Putt putt's shrimpy adventure" and place it in the kid's section.

8) Record snippets of porn at the end of videos.

9) Get a different store number of another store in your area. Call them and say you accidentally returned your video to their store. They will call the store you rented from and tell them, which will mark your rental as returned. But when your video never shows up the store you rented from will assume it was lost in the mail. Congratulations, you have just Ripped off the item scott free.

10) Get a job at the store. When no one is looking mark all the prices of for sale items down to 1 cent. Then buy them all. Since you are not technically stealing from them they cannot call the cops. You will get fired, but who cares. I know a guy who did this and scored 500 videos for five bucks.

11) Write "Fuck this place" on a piece of paper, then hand it to a little kid and tell them to give it to the clerk.

12) Dumpster diving at video stores sometimes reveals interesting results. Half the time when an item is to be thrown out the clerk people are lazy and don't properly destroy it first. Enjoy your new videos.

13) Call them and claim the video you rented jammed and fucked up your VCR. Demand that they pay for the damages. They will refuse, but you may be able to scam some free rentals off them. Make sure you mangle the tape a little before you return it to them.

14) Have a scratched up DVD and are too much of a cheap ass to buy a new one? No problem. Rent the corresponding DVD, carefully steam away the security strip (be careful not to tear it or make it look altered in anyway. Try holding it over a tea kettle to loosen the glue.) Swap strips with your old DVD and viola! Make sure you tell them the disc was scratched, you might even get your money back from the rental.

15) Really fucked up prank: Put a little bit of chewing gum, sticky resin, blue tack, etc. behind the heads on the video. Next person who rents it will get a VCR damaged beyond repair. Make sure you don't do this to one you rented as they might track it back to you.

16) Take a black marker and draw a big "X" over a dvd. Watch and enjoy. When you return it, claim it didn't work. Clerk will see the X and assume it was an item that was supposed to be thrown out but somehow made it back onto the shelves. 100% refund.

I Hate Your Parents

For a long time I've been putting together a collection of radical and reactionary literature from groups at both ends of the political spectrum. Call it a hobby of mine. I have pamphlets from wacky liberal groups talking about the evils of corporate America, sweatshop labor, the importance of a vegetarian diet. I have magazines from far right reactionaries warning people about barcodes, illegal immigrants, and how evil activist judges are ruining our country. It's pretty fun to find two diametrically opposed periodicals and see how they talk about the same issues, what they support and why. No doubt the truth often lies in the middle, although a part of me tends to think there really isn't much truth out there to speak of anyway. Not when it comes to these people anyway.

One thing both sides tend to agree on is that at some point in ancient fucking history everything was alright in America. The other thing they agree on is usually it's the other side's fault as to why everything is going down the tubes. Well they are partially right about the second part.

As a citizen of this country I naturally want to be proud of it. And there are lots of things to be proud of, on so many levels. But has anyone else noticed lately that in daily social interactions with members of the international Internet community it's somehow become embarrassing to say one is from America? People from the rest of the world look at our corrupt politicians, the ridiculous wars we keep starting, and how we can't even take care of our own people when a disaster hits and promptly decide they don't want any of that. It's almost an insult now, "Shut up you stupid American! Get out of here and go consume something!"* How the fuck did this happen? When did we go from living in the best country in the world to the bastard child of western civilization? Being American, my first natural reaction is to blame somebody. My second natural reaction is to shoot them. In the face. Multiple times.

You can't blame our exalted leaders, the politicians. They just do what we tell them, which is absolutely nothing. They need something to do all day. They are getting paid after all. Can't just sit around the office all day playing video games and downloading porn. So they fill their time by scamming each other, making shady deals, passing legislation specifically designed to fill their own pockets, etc. It should then come to no surprise that people like say, esteemed Washington lobbyist and con artist Jack Abramoff rip people off for a living and buy politicians like they're baseball cards. Then when somebody finally gets the balls to expose his corrupt ass we get all surprised when he drags everyone down with him. Well what the hell do you expect? Abramoff isn't the only dirtbag on capitol hill, Washington is full of sleaze bags like this. Tricking conservative Christian groups into pressuring for laws against gambling with money from Indian casinos, then bilking said Indian tribes out of millions? Founding an organization to help inner city youth, then using them to launder money to fund Israeli sniper schools? Using money that Russian oil companies donated to stop possible tax increases from the IMF* to found a phony PAC* headed by Tom Delay's wife, then suddenly all Abramoff's clients get a free vote from the Republican majority leader? This is flyshit to what really goes on in Washington.

You can't blame our media. They just give us what they think we want, and we tell them what we want with our dollars. They put out utter bullshit and tripe, yet we continue to buy it, read it, blog it, and talk about it. Despite the utter swill that passes for television news, important stories do get reported on here in the United States. The above dirt on Abramoff has been all over the print and internet news media for a number of months now. Problem is now you have to actually search for it, and nobody gives a fuck enough anymore to take time out of their day to do that. People have shit to do, jobs to work at, families to raise. Keeping up with important news is a full time occupation. Try it. Try to stay current on what's really going on. You can't. It's fucking impossible. The average citizen doesn't have time to wade through hundreds of websites, blogs, etc. Who the hell wants to spend their day doing that anyway?

What we need is to have important news shoved in our face. We need the damn media to come out and say: "Look dumbasses! Look at what's going on!" Then maybe it wouldn't be such a surprise to learn things like the President ordered the NSA to spy on American citizens, or that they've been doing it since 2001, and that the FBI, Pentagon, Department of Homeland security, national guard, and local police departments from around the country have been involved. But we won't know this stuff if the assholes who report it keep focusing on celebrity bullshit like Michael fucking Jackson or whatever famous person is in trouble this week.

I know who we can blame: Our Parents, people of the baby boomer generation. It's thier fault. They were born into the land of the free in the middle of an unprecedented economic boom. Back then shit was cheap, you could work at a low paying job like a waiter or gas station attendant and still make enough money to have your own place, car, and put yourself through school, all with one breadwinner in the house and a family to boot. The environment was still basically stable, inner cities were not overrun with thugs and drugs. Sure there were gangsters back then, but they usually ran nightclubs or brothels instead of shooting each other for wearing the wrong color clothing. Drugs back then were better too, and there were more of them, and you didn't get sent up the river for the rest of your life for doing them. Just ask your mom.

You could fuck whoever you wanted and not have to worry about your immune system shutting down ten years later. Ask your mom about that too. You could move to a completely different city and find a decent job and establish yourself in a short period of time. You could trust police officers, for the most part. You could trust the person you just voted for to work for the principles he stood for. You could go to fucking college and not be in debt for the rest of your life. A middle class person with an income of fifty grand in today's dollars could buy a fucking house with a year's salary in a major city like New York. You didn't have to worry about random wackos flying planes into buildings. Sure, everyone lived under the threat of mutually assured nuclear holocost with the Russians, but what the hell. We all gotta go sometime.

This was a world created by our grandparents, who despite thier handicaps of wearing outdated clothes, smelling bad, and not being able to work any type of electronic appliance, at least knew the value of hard work.

But what did they do with all this opportunity? They partied. They took lots and lots of drugs. I saw fucking Woodstock, I know how crazy you motherfuckers were. You assholes didn't give a shit about anything, you never have, and you never will. All you want is everything, NOW, without having to work for it. It's in the way shit is advertised to baby boomers, watch them commercials for high priced sports cars or SUVs. They fucked up our economy, they screwed up our environment, they allowed our political system to get taken over by thieves and lunatics. And as the final "fuck you" they're sitting back and letting all our inailible rights get flushed down the fucking toilet. Why do I keep saying "they?" Because everyone knows no one who makes under a hundred grand means a bucket of shit in this country, read = 90% of everyone under the age of 35, the children of the baby boomers, ME. (as for the other 10%, fuck them.)

Now they're all retiring to Florida, leaving this huge fucking mess of a planet behind. Not their problem anymore. No dad, you go ahead and sit there watching TV all day, I'll clean the shit up. To everyone born before 1969, I just want to say a few things:

Thanks to the fucked up world you assholes left us no one in my generation even has a chance. It's going to take an act of God to pull the world out of this bucket of pig vomit you dickheads left it in. Good job assholes. As a matter of fact I don't know a single person in your age group with a shred of decency. Every last one of you is a greedy bitch who only gives a shit about themselves. You are scum. You are all going to burn in hell one day. I fucking hate you.

And advice for the Y generation, children of generation X:

Don't listen to anything your parents tell you. They are stupid beyond words.

The DaVInci Code: It's Called Fiction, Dumbass!

Tonight I was flipping through channels and came across Reverend Peter Popoff, who for those of you who don't know is one of those faith healer Lord-chase-the-devil-out-of-this-person's-bad-kneecaps types. Fun shit with him goes back to being exposed on the Tonight Show for his wife telling him who in the audience needs "healing" via hidden radio transmitter, i.e. this is a guy who's been exposed as a fraud in the past but people still buy into his bullshit. Anyway Reverend Popoff was selling these little plastic vials of (I shit you not) "Miracle Spring Water." He was sitting there with some other sidekick lady person (the kind with screwy hair and fucked up makeup) reading all these testimonial letters about people curing cancer and getting magical bank errors in their favor after drinking it. This kind of shit is pure comedy to me, I can watch it for hours on end. That's why I stopped making fun of Evangelical Christians so much, how can you insult people who believe this shit? Supposedly the water was "free." I was contemplating some kind of scheme where I could set my phone on redial with a tape recorder, so maybe they'd end up sending me enough free miracle water so I could fill up my swimming pool, but then the subject matter changed.

Suddenly Mr. Preacher man switched gears from used car salesman to wrath-of-the-holy-asskicking-lord mode. Apparently The DaVinci code is causing all kinds of trouble with the Christians, like they're insulted by the premise that Jesus got a little nooky. Maybe they're pissed off because they prayed that it would be a failure instead of opening at number one and grossing $175 million dollars. Popoff ranted and raved about the lies and deceptions in the book and how it's the fault of the "liberal secularists" that are destroying our nation (mind you, this asshole was selling magic water five minutes ago.) The sermon ended with him throwing the book to the floor and stomping on it to a standing ovation. I wasn't standing. I was too busy rolling on the floor, trying not to shit my pants with laughter.

This got me thinking, is this book/movie really causing that much of a stir with my favorite comedy religion? I checked a few conservative Christian movie review sites and sure enough all the evangelicals have fallen in line, they hate it, it's blasphemous, the movie sucks, etc. One thing about these people that always amazes me is their ability to do what they're told, without question, without fail. Whoever thought of this religion crap was a genius.

Am I the only person who notices that conservative Christians seem to believe everything they read? What the hell is the problem with you people? It's a novel, it's fiction, it's not true. It's called MAKE BELIEVE, just like that thing you do every night when you pray and pretend your life means something. Nobody thinks it's real but you. Dan Brown said the shit was made up, yet for some reason that's not good enough for you people. Every time there's a book or a movie about Jesus these people act like it's the end of the world when the truth is nobody notices but them. It's fucking lame and it takes up too much of the airwaves.

I like to play video games. But if a movie came out that characterizes all gamers as fat, ugly, evil psychopaths who like to saw off dead animal limbs and fuck each other up the ass with them you wouldn't see me on TV smashing a copy on the movie (maybe if I had some magic water to sell afterwards.) It's because I understand that a movie is just a movie, a book is just a book, and just because some asshole says something with a movie or a book doesn't mean it's true. I know that concept is hard for an Evangelical to understand, since their whole life is based on a book, the Bible (or rather, some rich carpetbagger's interpretation of the Bible that allows him to pilfer these poor saps out of their life savings.)

I know I shouldn't be complaining about people who believe the likes of Peter Popoff, Pat Robertson, or Focus on the Family, because if they had any brains in the first place these people would be out of jobs. But goddammit it's getting obscene.

Let us pray to God now:

"Oh Lord, the most super highest and asskicking of Lords, please give us the strength to lead your stray sheep back into the fold. Please come down with your mighty hand and give them all a backhand to the face, or break your holy foot off in their asses and make them your bitches. And God, ye who is the most highest of all Gods, but better than that, please help us to understand that these people are fucking stupid and help us to stop them from passing all their stupid-ass laws so they won't turn us into an evangelical fascist country. Perhaps you could pour forth from the vial of pestilence a little early, although we know you are saving that vial for the Apocalypse, so maybe just a few drops to give them a horrible venereal disease, or maybe a lot of zits? Or maybe Peter Popoff could wake up one day with a huge fat tick right on the end of his penis, you know, teach the sumbitch a lesson. Oh yeah and please God let there be a remake of Godzilla vs. King Kong without any GC. That would rule."

Amen

THE WAR IS BULLSHIT AND THE DOWNING STREET MEMO SAYS SO

Some people are polite and don't like to rub crap in other people's faces when they are proved wrong. Not me. I love it. I enjoy it. It's the best feeling in the world, better than crack. When I get in a deep arguement with some moron and walk away all frustrated yet return with undeniable proof and force his ass to concede like a chump I get a warm feeling all over, like God is urinating holy rightousness all over me. It is the reason I live.

I used to frequent several conservative chat rooms, buliten boards, forums, etc. for the purpose of making fun of Republicans, fundamentalist Christians, surburban war hawks, etc, becasue it's fun. Occasionally very heated debates would erupt, and although I usually tried my hardest to not let the threads degenerate into flame wars they almost always would. Honest I always semi-tried not to be an asshole in the begining. But see, conservatives aren't human like the rest of us, they lack the ability to consider they are assholes.

The war and the reasons for it's cause usually was one of the subjects that would degenerate quickly, and depending on who the asshole on the other end of the line was retorts could range from the mundane "You just aren't informed" type, to the "You're a traitor and I'm going to blow your head off" pseudo threats that actually stop short of real threats becasue everyone on a BB is a chickenshit in real life.

I know that politics from three years ago is like ancient fucking history to the American public, so let me refresh all of your memories a little bit before going further. We were told we needed to go to Iraq for several reasons:

1) They were in leauge with the men who blew up the world trade center in the September 11th attacks

2) They had Weapons of Mass Destruction and could bomb one of our cities with toxic gas in less than 45 minutes

3) They were actively training more terrorists and looking to pass along these weapons to groups like Al Queda.

From the begining, me and other people a lot more important than me like journalists and United States Senators told you this was all bullshit, that the real reason we're going there was becasue of the oil, because of the money a war makes for the assholes in power, that Al Queda had virtually no presence inside Iraq and Saddam would be out of his mind to ally with them, let along give them weapons that could be used against him, etc. But as what happens when a war starts people forget things like FACTS and get too busy tying yellow ribbions around thier car anntane to listen. I was called a traitor, a whimp, a dirtbag, and I'm just some kack sitting at his home computer with no power or influence whatsoever. The real people with something to lose out there in the political sphere get chewed up like dogshit on a daily basis for even hinting that there might be some ultierior motives behind the wars. Remeber Bill Maher, that guy who's show got cancelled becasue he spoke out his personal opinion against the war? Remeber when former ambassador Joseph Wilson's wife Valerie Plame was outed as a CIA agent as payback for him telling the truth about bullshit intelligence? How many more people we don't know about have had thier lives and livelihoods runied for speaking up?

But the clincher is that the truth has a way of comming out. It turns out we were right all along. Last month the Downing Street Memo made it to the papers and finally is starting to trickle into the corporate controlled press. Yes, it's still buired in the back pages, and I think it's just a huge coincidence that it came out the same week as the fucking Micheal Jackson verdict. An internal intelligence memo from our British corhorts, the document pretty much explains "how our government did not believe Iraq was a greater threat than other nations; how intelligence was packaged to sell the case for war to both Congress and the American public; and how the Bush Administration's public assurances of "war as a last resort" were at odds with their privately stated intentions."And apparently you people out there aren't as stupid as you look, becasue as of this writing (6/19/05) Bush's approval rating hangs between 42-48%, depending on where you go. According to the Washinton Post people are getting fed up with the war as well (56% against) as well as people's trust in the government (according to ABC news.) Why am putting up polling statistics? Becasue some of you dubmasses don't beleive anything unless there's a statistic behind it.

There it is. We told you so. I told you so. Everybody who called me names now officially has thier head up thier ass. Make sure you click on that link and read the Memo for yourselves, then tell me I'm a fucking traitor. Look, it's not my fault I'm right about everything.

P.S. While I'm at it, the governent finally admitted Global Warming is real too. I told you so.

Related news stories:

LA Times admits the war is Bullshit

Even Newsweek has to admit the war is bullshit

Track Bush's approval rating

DARTH PROSTITUE: GEORGE LUCAS IS A WHORE

Ok, ok, I saw Star Wars Episode III last night at midnight like a dork. It was good. There's lots of asskicking in it, decapitations, arms and legs getting chopped off, people getting blown up in hideous explosions, etc. Unlike the other two bullshit prequels this one is actually worth the Starwars name. The part where Annakin's whole body just MELTS next to the lava while screaming in undescribable pain is awsome. The whole movie should just have been of Annakin melting for two hours.

So please Mr. Lucas, please cut it out with the endorsements already. Everywhere I go I see fucking Darth Vader on everything. He's on the pizza box. He's on the soda bottle. He's on the lottery tickets. He's hanging out at 7-11. He's breathing next to the scary Burger King serial killer guy. He's doing the Vader-choke on talking M&Ms. He's on a box of Cheez-Its, using the power of the Dark Side to levitate some tasty snacks into his robotic hands:

Apparently after a long day of slaughtering children and decapitating sand people, Sith Lords like to retire in the decompression chamber and dig into a tasty bowl of cheese powder tasting squares of starchy vomit crackers. See how mean he looks? He is going fire a load of Cheez-its out of the Death Star at your planet.

Please Mr. Lucas, I know this is the last movie and you're doing the smart thing, milking it for everything it's worth, but please, cut it the fuck out. You win. I saw the movie already. I bought all the fucking action figures. I have the Mace Windu replica lightsaber. I have willingly spend lots of my money on stuff with Darth Vader on it.

But like you said, possesion leads to jelousy, to greed, of the Dark Side are these. So fucking stop whoring out your franchise and rediscover that thing the movie mongols stole from you all those years ago, dignity. You beat them already, you are the most successful independent film maker of all time. Your creation is beloved by millions. You have proved that one man with a vision can win against all odds and show the suits where to stuff it, or whatever. But every one of those Cheez-its cheapens you and your creation that much more. Stop being a fucking whore.