DARTH PROSTITUE: GEORGE LUCAS IS A WHORE

Ok, ok, I saw Star Wars Episode III last night at midnight like a dork. It was good. There's lots of asskicking in it, decapitations, arms and legs getting chopped off, people getting blown up in hideous explosions, etc. Unlike the other two bullshit prequels this one is actually worth the Starwars name. The part where Annakin's whole body just MELTS next to the lava while screaming in undescribable pain is awsome. The whole movie should just have been of Annakin melting for two hours.

So please Mr. Lucas, please cut it out with the endorsements already. Everywhere I go I see fucking Darth Vader on everything. He's on the pizza box. He's on the soda bottle. He's on the lottery tickets. He's hanging out at 7-11. He's breathing next to the scary Burger King serial killer guy. He's doing the Vader-choke on talking M&Ms. He's on a box of Cheez-Its, using the power of the Dark Side to levitate some tasty snacks into his robotic hands:

Apparently after a long day of slaughtering children and decapitating sand people, Sith Lords like to retire in the decompression chamber and dig into a tasty bowl of cheese powder tasting squares of starchy vomit crackers. See how mean he looks? He is going fire a load of Cheez-its out of the Death Star at your planet.

Please Mr. Lucas, I know this is the last movie and you're doing the smart thing, milking it for everything it's worth, but please, cut it the fuck out. You win. I saw the movie already. I bought all the fucking action figures. I have the Mace Windu replica lightsaber. I have willingly spend lots of my money on stuff with Darth Vader on it.

But like you said, possesion leads to jelousy, to greed, of the Dark Side are these. So fucking stop whoring out your franchise and rediscover that thing the movie mongols stole from you all those years ago, dignity. You beat them already, you are the most successful independent film maker of all time. Your creation is beloved by millions. You have proved that one man with a vision can win against all odds and show the suits where to stuff it, or whatever. But every one of those Cheez-its cheapens you and your creation that much more. Stop being a fucking whore.

Note to Noobs: Learn How to use Ebay

Over the past few years I've actually made a decent amount of side-cash off Ebay, a few hundred bucks a month selling used games and odd shit I pick up here and there. Not enough to make a living off but adequate. Most transactions for me go down without a hitch. But every once in a while you get some asshole or a kid who's buying shit with his parent's credit card who doesn't know proper Ebay etiquette. Before you sign up they should make you take a class or something on how to act like an intelligent human being when buying an selling shit on Ebay. It's not that hard, but since you dumbasses out there just don't get it I've decided out of the goodness of what passes for my heart to list some simple steps:

1) READ THE STUPID ITEM DESCRIPTION BEFORE YOU BID, DUMBASS.

Maybe there's a reason the Ultra Rare Daewoo Zemmix you're bidding on is selling with a "Buy it now" price of $1.50. Chances are it doesn't work, or a dog took a shit on it, or it's otherwise fucked up somehow. You will never find anything worth a shitload of money for a cheap price, for the simple reason that people who do shit like that (old people, the mentally insane, drunken hicks from the Arkansas) usually are too stupid to use computers and thus can't sell shit on Ebay.

I recently sold a Sega Saturn on Ebay for $10. The reason? It didn't boot any games. I clearly wrote in the first line of the item description "System does not boot any games and is being sold to someone who fixes this stuff." What do I get back from the noob moron who bought it? "The system doesn't even work." Too bad, should have read the description. No refund for you.

2) CHECK THE BUYERS/SELLERS FEEDBACK

Yet another common sense thing that nobody seems to pay attention to. If the guy you just bought the John Holmes replica dildo from has 15.44% positive feedback, that means that 84.36% of his customers were dissatisfied enough with his service as to complain about it. It means he's probably going to give you shitty service as well. It means your didlo is going to show up with other people's bodily fluids all over it, if it even shows up at all.

If the guy's feedback all comes from one person he's a scam artist. Use your fucking head, he's buying/selling to himself to pad his feedback with positives.

As well, never buy/sell to somebody with zero or all negative feedback. If you sell to somebody who's never used Ebay before then don't get mad when they don't know what they're doing. Yeah, I know it's a catch 22. Should have got into it in the late 1990's like everybody else. Too bad, go get some good transactions first and then we'll talk.

Pay attention to feedback and you won't get ripped off. Dumbass.

3) CHECK THE BUYERS/SELLERS ID HISTORY

In the Feedback screen is a little link on the right that says "ID history." When you click on it you are presented with a list of all the Ebay IDs this guy has ever used. So, if he changes his ID every week chances are he's unreliable and is probably a scam artist. Why would someone change their ID every week? Because they're ripping people off.

4) PAY ATTENTION TO SHIPPING CHARGES

This is part of reading the item description. So the industrial size enema-machine you just bought only cost you $3.99, don't get mad when the guy charges you $4,000 to ship it. Any overly huge item is going to cost a shitload to send.

Before you bid find out the zip code where the item is located, then go to whatever postal service your country uses (like the United States Postal service http://www.usps.com/ ) and get a rough estimate of how much shipping should be. Expect the guy to quote you a little bit more for the cost of packing materials, but dispute anything too far off your estimate. Most big-time sellers have their own UPS accounts and such and usually quote a fair price. But some moron selling shit out of his basement will usually always try to fuck you up on shipping.This is the most common form of fraud on Ebay. If he quotes you too much, dispute it. If he doesn't like it, fuck'em. Negative feedback.

Also, look at the bottom of the item description to see if he quotes a flat shipping rate. The item may be cheap, then at the bottom the guy says in very tiny print "Shipping: $40 flat rate." I seem to see a lot of this overinflated shipping charges crap coming out of Canada for some reason. Nice try hosehead. Go play with a hockey puck or something.

5) LOOK AT THE ITEM LOCATION, MORE SPECIFICALLY WHICH COUNTRY IT'S FROM

If you see a super duper expensive portable DVD player on sale for cheap, but the item location is in Nigeria, then chances are it's a load of shit. Never trust any auctions out of third world countries. No, this is not a racist thing, I have nothing against people of color in other countries around the world. I'm just telling it like it is, that countries in Northern Africa like Nigeria, Algeria, Lybia, etc. are notorious for ripping people off. Ever get one of those "Nigerian letter" scams, where some oil sheik or lawyer from northern Africa promises you money then proceeds to empty your bank account? Same shit, same people. If you buy something from anywhere else besides North America, Europe, or Japan, make sure the seller has crazy good feedback on legitimate auctions else you risk getting ripped off. This includes semi-first world countries like Spain, Italy, and Israel - sorry guys, work on improving your national image first. Another hot spot for scammers is the Netherlands (believe it or not,) because the laws against this type of fraud is lax there. There is nothing wrong with sending a few e-mails to prior buyers to ask if the seller is legit or not.

Bottom line: Anyone who gets scammed on Ebay is a dumbass. Dumbass.

6) IF IT'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, THEN IT PROBABLY IS

Wow, there's a telescope on sale that was once owned by Leonardo DaVinci himself! It even has his autograph on it and the seller is throwing in some drawing of a man in a squared circle! And it's only one thousand dollars! What a deal!

Go ahead, bid on it. Dumbass.

7) TIP TO BUYERS: IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY RIGHT AWAY THEN DON'T BID.

I no longer accept personal checks or money orders. I only take immediate payment through Paypal. I don't give a shit if you get paid next week, too bad for you. Come back when you have the moola. Yeah, I lose some potential customers this way. But the time and hassle I save is well worth it. You really want this half eaten sandwich I dug out of Micheal Jackson's garbage? Then get a paypal account.

If your credit is too fucked up to get a credit card and a Paypal account, then maybe you should be out getting a job and paying off some debt before you buy more crap you don't need off Ebay. It's called being a responsible adult you fuckheads.

8) PARENTS, DON'T LET YOUR FUCKING KIDS BUY SHIT OFF EBAY

There should be a law that says anyone who lets their kids buy stuff on Ebay gets the instant death penalty. No trial, no lawyer, no waiting ten years on death row. The seller gets to come over to your house and shoot you in the fucking head right there in front of your family. Because if I get one more e-mail from somebody who is so god dammed oblivious as to what their kids are doing that somehow little junior has managed to access the Ebay account and buy crap and they don't want to pay for it because "We did not give them permission to buy this," that is what I'm going to do. I don't give a fuck if you gave permission or not, perhaps you should keep an eye on your child-maggot when he gets on the computer. When you bid it's a legal contract saying you will pay for the item. Too bad, cough up my money. Dumbass.

9) ANOTHER TIP TO BUYERS: TRY WAITING A LITTLE WHILE FOR THE ITEM TO SHOW UP BEFORE YOU COMPLAIN

When stuff gets sent through the mail it may travel all over the country before it gets to your house. Doesn't matter if you live across town, the package has to go through several processing stations which may be close, may be far away. The fact that millions of pieces of mail get sent and received everyday is a testament as to how ruthlessly efficient the snail mail infrastructure in this country actually is.

That means hold your fucking horses. Your item will show up eventually. Don't get all bitchy if the package isn't on your doorstep the next morning. It takes a little while sometimes. Dang.

Sellers: Always get a tracking number when shipping items of significant worth, as well as insurance. Doesn't matter if the buyer doesn't want insurance, get it anyway and add it to the shipping charges. Because when Joe Blow the mailman walks off with your imported Bandai Pippin @mark you just sold for $200 you get reimbursed and are able to give the customer a refund while keeping your profit as well. Everybody wins - you, the buyer, and Joe Blow gets his ass fired when they trace the theft back to him via the tracking number.

Protect your assests, and your ass. Dumbass.

Ten Things I Fucking Hate 6

1) Harry Potter: I have never read a Harry Potter book, and I never will. I instinctively know that it sucks. Any book where the main character plays basketball on a broomstick sucks automatically. I suppose if I was ten years old I might be interested, but I'm not, so I won't. Don't try to send me e-mail pleading poor Harry's case -I don't care. You're right, I am a closed minded asshole. Now move out of your parent's basement and get a job.

2) Ingrown toenails: Proof enough that mankind evolved; No God in his right mind would desgin us with such a pain-in-the-ass flaw.

3) People who make out in movies: I didn't pay $9.50 to watch you tounge fuck your ugly girlfriend.

4) Inflation: I hate being poor.

5) Hamsters: More proof that evolution is true. I used to work in a pet store- part of my job was to clean rodent cages. Thing is the guy who ran the store was a cheap ass and used these heavy brick-feeder dishes that he got in bulk for like 2 1/2 cents each. What happens is that the hampster digs under the dish, which slowly crushes it to death. Next day I clean the cage and find a hamspeter flat as a pancake. I have no doubt that if hampsters had not developed into this evoltionary dead end they would have rose up and taken over the world millions of years ago.

Pluse they smell. Fuck Hampsters.

6) When the girl you love dumps her fiancee and gives you hope that you might have a chance, but in fact was just using you for emotional baggage and decides to still marry somebody else: Oh, who knows what her problem is...

7) When you're trying to write shit for your website but then friends show up and you have to like, talk to them: I hate that shit.

8) Okra: More proof of evoltion. No God in his right mind would make a vegetable that tastes so bad. Stew it, deep fry it, bake it, broil it, slap it repeatedly with a slab of meat and then cook it on your engine block- there is just no possible way to prepare this swill so that it tastes good.

9) Gun activists: Yes, I know it's my right. I understand that. But the less guns there are laying around, the less people get shot by them. Doesn't mean that guns cause crime, or that eliminating guns will stop shooting deaths (as criminals will just buy them illegally anyway.) No one is claiming anything of the sort. All I'm saying is that if you don't have a gun around you are less likely to get shot. These assholes who run around with cardboard signs exclaiming thier "right" to own a assault rifle are as lame as the people running arond with signs saying it's not thier right own an assalt rifle. It says " right to bear arms," Not "Right to own a high-tech killing machine that you can 86 a whole school yard with."

And as for those people who say they need such weaponry to "defend thier home," let me ask you, when was the last time you were in a situation that required such firepower that a handgun or shotgun could not provide? Like say, a whole team of ninjas invaded your house in the middle of the night, and the 38 special under your bed just wasn't up to the task of home defense? This isn't Beruit; Groups of terrorists are not in the habit of invading private homes in this country (not yet anyway.)

Make no mistake; The reason there's so much of a gun culture in this country has nothing to do with your "right" to self defense- it has to do with the intrinsic fear that white rualites have of minorites. Don't think so? Then why do all the NRA dickheads correspond to the racist bible belt assholes? Becase they're the same fucking people. The same scumbags who used to lynch black people and burn crosses are the same fuckheads who like to keep ak-47s around. It's some kind of insane white-person paranoia that the niggers are going to rise up and rape thier children- complete bullshit and I'm not buying into it anymore. First it was indians, then blacks, now it's terrorsts. Same grade-A baloney story.

If anyone needs to own a gun in this country it's minorites- not only to defend themselves from the day-to-day life of inner city crime, bt also from the wacky gun nuts out there who have a tendency to flip out and waste a day care center or two. Becase every person of color in this country knows this one indisputable fact: there is nothing more scary than a white person with a gun.

The only reason for anyone who isn't a farmer or a drug dealer to own a gun in my opinion is to shoot other assholes who own guns, mainly gun activists. I say we wall off a state and ship all the gun nuts there and let them kill each other all they want. Fuck them.

10) Midget jokes: Why is it that you can take any otherwise lame example of bullshit toilet humor, slap a midget in it, and all of the sudden it's supposed to be "funny?" Since when did the entire comedic culture center around dwarfs? Midgets are just like salad dressing; They improve the taste but do nothing toget rid of those nasty olives in there. I hate olives too. Fuck olives.

President Bush kicks ass in Chile

You guys heard this story yet, where Bush got all macho and forced his way through Chilean security to let in one of his bodyguards?

Well you're not getting the whole story.

I was there man, I saw the shit go down.

What really happened was the the Chilean dinner was really filled with terrorists. Ricardo Lagos got up to make a speech, when suddenly he ripped off this face mask like in Mission Impossible to reveal himself as evil-incarnate, Micheal Moore.

With a leg of mutton in one hand and a megaphone in the other, he shouted to his terrorist cohorts" "Let's kill this redneck S.O.B. once and for all!"

Suddenly all the guests tore off their disguises to reveal a rouge's gallery of anti-American terrorists and rouge leaders who support them, Osama, Zacahquari, Idi Amin, Kaddafi, Kim ll jung, the entire Axis of evil.

High on a podium Moore laughed out loud as he called for his naked slave boys. "Bring me my chili bucket so I may watch this execution with satisfaction!" He cried. Two naked boys brought out a 55 gallon drum full of chili and set it in front of the fat film maker. He proceeded to scoop it into his huge maw with both hands yet still maintained his grip on the mutton leg. I think he ate he megaphone.

Bush found himself caught in an evil-terrorist trap, with his secret service agents still outside held back by Chilean security.

"You tricked me Moore, you chili-cheese megaphone eatin' biatch!" Screamed Bush. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... ummm..."

"May we keel heem now, oh grithous leader?" Screamed Osama.

"Yes, please do." Moore spitted. "And bring me some goddammed donuts for crissakes."

After a few minutes of staring blankly at nothing, Bush realized he was in trouble. He tried to get Dick Chaney on the secret earpiece that was still in his coat since the debates but somehow Moore must have prepared for this, and all he got was Mexican Disco music. He knew he was gonna have to handle this on his own, So he whipped out his nunchucku and kicked some terrorist boo-tay.

If I had known Bush was a master at Kung-fu I would have voted for him in a second. Bush was like Bruce Lee, kicking ass and taking names while still shaking his bootie to the beat of Mexican dance music. It was like watching the greatest movie ever made, "Revenge of the Disco Godfther," all over again. For anyone who isn't hip to the asskicking stylings of Rudy Ray Mooore, I suggest you learn.

First up was Saddam Hussian, who managed to escape just thirty minutes before by pretending to be an illegal farm worker and getting deported to Chile. Bush grabbed his head and shoved it up his own ass, then bounced him like a human basketball and made a three pointer right into a Chilean public toilet.

Next Ossama tried to get crazy with an Ak-47, but Bush was too fast. He was dodging bullets like the in Matrix, doing all these crazy backflips and stuff, beating off tons of suicide bombers and Jihadist punks left and right. Then he grabbed a plate full of oysters and slung it like a holy missile with such force that it chopped off Osama's head, which flew through the air and landed in Micheal Moore's depth-charge sized drum of Chili. Moore proceeded to eat anyway.

Oassma's headless body hung on for a second and continued to fire the machine gun, blowing away Idi Amin and shooting Kim ll Jung in both knee caps right before he was about to hit Bush with a bowl full of eggrolls. Jung collapsed to the ground, holding his exposed and bleeding kneecaps, howling in pain. Osama's lifeless body finally fell to the floor. Spurts of blood splattered from his stump of a neck as his heart continued to pump for a few seconds. Some other terrorists had taken position on the second story balcony and were firing pot shots at the President. He picked up Kim and used him like a human shield whilst simultaneously grabbing Ossama's Ak-47 at a full run somersault executed with Olympic precision. Bullets ripped through the North Korean dictator's body while Bush charged them and returned fire with Osama's weapon.

"Ouch! Dat hurts! Let me go! I'm Solly! I'm Solly!" screamed Kim. Bush took out the scumbags on the second level, then coyly remarked "I'll let you go!" then promptly threw Kim through a second story window. Kim landed on a wrought iron gate around a plot of daisy's, but still managed to hang on in excruciating pain for a few more moments. Some papparatzi snapped pictures as he chocked on his own blood.

Zacquari and the president traded blows, but the Iraqi terrorist was no match for the Texan ranch owner former Governor. Bush whipped his ass like it was nobody's business, then did the five-fingered-exploding-heart technique. Zacqari tried to run away but after five steps his heard exploded through his chest. Surprisingly this was not enough to kill him right away and he whipped out a hidden 38 special and fired at Bush at point blank range. I thought it was all over, but after the smoke cleared I was floored when I found Bush CAUGHT THE BULLET IN HIS TEETH! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! He caught it in his teeth, chewed it up, and spit it out with such momentum that it tore Zaquari's body fully in half at the midsection, then Bush took Zacquari's own intestines and strangled him to death for the coup de' grace.

I thought the president was in trouble when I heard this rumbling and the animated corpses of the Ayatollah Komeni and Yassir Arafat burst through the wall. They were controlled by none other than Satan himself! That's right guys, Satan came up from hell with his two agents of evil to destroy God's instrument on Earth.

But I soon had nothing to worry about. Bush, with God on his side, delivered a holy ass-kicking straight from the Lord. He beat them off using his super crazy presidential kung-fu, then used Zaquari's intestines like a lasso and roped Komnei around the neck, then ran outside to a truck full of farm workers and tied it around the bumper, then threatened them with deportation. The ruse worked and they forgot they weren't in California yet and sped away, dragging Komeni's body until it fell apart. I think some stray dogs made off with his head.

Arafat posed no threat either. He tried to sucker punch Bush but the president was even faster, caught his punch like Steven Segal, tore his arm off, and used it to beat both him and Satan into submission. Then he got Satan in the illegal WWE Super-midget-sleeper hold and gave him noogies until he promised to go away.

Micheal Moore got away. We better pass Patriot act IV before it's too late. Who knows what evil plans he has in store for us.

It was an awesome blood-bath of presidential proportions. Damn the Liberal media for shutting off the cameras and hiding this story. We should revolt.

I swear to God this is all true. I was there.

What the Fuck is wrong with you people?

George Bush got re-elected. Which one of you assholes made this happen? I am personally going to fly out and beat the shit out of each one of you.

I guess four years of fucking up our nation, destroying the environment, stripping away our rights, ruining our economy, and sending us careening screaming into the neo-con manufactured Apocalypse just isn't enough for you dickheads. Now I have to suffer through four more years pseudo moral majority bullshit while the fucking Evangelical Christians screw up the world even more.

Oh well. Despite the major allegations of voter fraud in Florida, Ohio, new Mexico, and elsewhere, it looks like the news media has bullshitted itself into believing Bush won this one fair and square. Like we should expect them to like, report the truth or something. And, as I am an American, I can admit defeat; for John Kerry that is. For the rest of us it's on like Donkey Kong.

Because to anyone with a brain it's pretty obvious that this whole thing is just a repeat of 2000. We have exit polls that are accurate in every county EXCEPT those that have the paperless electronic voter machines. We've been doing exit polls in this country for over 100 years, they just don't screw up for no reason. Exit polls are so accurate they are used as a judgment of voter fraud in the 3rd world for crying out loud. We have similar voter purges like what happened in Florida, except now in Ohio, Nevada, and New Mexico. In some of those states it's not even the law to deny ex-felons their voting rights, yet it happened anyway.

In Florida, some asshole made up flyers that said if you have an outstanding traffic ticket you'd be arrested at the polls. Other people spread more disinformation, one mass e-mail to new registrants claimed you'd need a driver's licence, birth certificate, and social security card to vote.

Greg Palast has undeniable proof that 4000 college kids were tricked into re-registering Republican at a phony address when what they thought they were signing was a petition to legalize medical marijuana. Even though he went to the authorities with names, addresses, copies of the registration forms, and letters from disenfranchised voters the cops in Florida refused to prosecute "for a few more weeks," i.e. until after the election.

It's fucking bullshit. And anyone who interprets this as a "mandate" has their head up their ass and deserves to be curbed. You got a problem with what I'm saying? Then bring it. Everything I'm saying is true and can be verified by a simple Google.

I knew this was going to happen, I told everyone out in Internet land this election was going to be stolen, I could link to several hundred bulletin board posts where I predicted this would happen. Now it has come to pass. I am right about everything. I should start my own psychic network.

What matters now is that all of us who didn't want this psychopath in office to continue to do what we've been doing, that is scream at those without brains who voted for that dumb fuck about why they are all stupid retarded bitches.

See, there's something at work here that most people either are not aware of, or are too stupid to comprehend- America as we know it is teetering on the brink. The progression of a nation state (and for that matter, civilization) is as follows: It's born in an explosion of myth, devolves into a militaristic fascist state, then ends up as a conquest state before either fading away or crumbling all together. Back in the olden days this cycle could take hundreds or even thousands of years. But like everything else in our society that moves at a lightning pace, so does the evolution and eventual fall of our nation.

like Ancient Rome, Egypt, England, Sumeria, etc, the birth of America has been canonized into myth. We have George Washington who cannot tell a lie, chopped down the cherry tree, the Boston Tea Party, Ben Franklin and the kite and key, all of that baloney that has become the stuff of myth. They are stories that we look back on to show how "pure" our nation is, regardless of the fact that none of those events actually happened the way we're told. No difference here than say Romulus and Remus being raised by a she wolf or Cadmus sowing dragon teeth.

Like Rome and Egypt, we have also devolved into a military state. The precise moment this happened is hard to pinpoint, but I would place it somewhere near the end of WWII and the beginning of the Cold War. Our "enemies" were numerous and Godless barbarians, who wanted to overrun and kill us simply for the fact that we exist. For a while we lived happily under this threat of mutually assured destruction.

But that's over with now. The Russians are not there to keep us in check anymore. There is no significant counterbalance to American expansionism, and as thus our nation has entered the final phase: The conquest state. America is at the forefront of several major world crisises- the world is running out of oil, a globalized economy threatens to bring back the feudal system, massive climate change is going to displace millions. Instead of emerging from the Cold War as benevolent victors who will bring civilization to the animals, we've become what we hate- a totalitarian dictatorship hell bent on world conquest. Make no mistake, America has to expand in order to survive.

Problem is we can't do it. We don't live in a dark world populated by barbarians and mongrels. We live in a modern, high technology world where the majority of the human race is literate, somewhat educated, and has access to instant communication and news media, and also highly destructive weaponry. The rest of the world is more informed than you are living in this country. They have media that actually tells the truth once in a while. Anyone who has ever left the Untied States and lived abroad knows how much better life in this country could be. It's goddammed embarrassing.
We cannot afford to take over the world. Two wars coupled with Bush's ridiculous ta cut for rich people have turned a once in a lifetime government surplus into the largest defecit in history ( 7.4 TRILLION dollars and counting, that's $7,400,000,000,000) That's the roof; our lawmakers in Washington are now looking for book keeping tricks to keep the government going. We cannot afford another war. We have the technology, but we don't have the money, we don't have the manpower, we don't have the economy. All you shitheads who think it's fine that we told the U.N. to go fuck themselves and went it alone, we cannot afford to do that anymore. WE HAVE NO CHOICE. We have to co-operate with the international community if we ever hope to catch Ossama Bin Laden (not like he has anything to do with anything anymore. He's been relegated to window dressing, so much so that he has to send us videotapes to remind us he exists. Nice fucking war on terror. What a load of horseshit.)

The thing is it doesn't have to be this way. We don't need to conquer other peoples and take their resources in order to survive anymore. This isn't the Roman Empire, we re not living in a world where if the walls are not manned 24-7 the barbarians are going to sack us. Nobody wants to kill us, they just want to make money. The people out there in the rest of the world still want to be our friends (for the most part,) no matter how many bombs our crazy president dropped in the last four years.

Yes, there are crazy people out there who need to be stopped. Yes we have to stop them. But the only way we can cripple international terrorism, break the backs of cruel rouge dictatorship states, stop the international drug trade and at the same time protect the environment, human rights, the rights of workers and poor people and still not implode when the oil peaks in ten years is by working together with those we don't like- the rest of the world. We need Europe, we need Asia. They need us. We aren't living in individual nation states anymore, we are living in a world community. Time to start acting like it.

And to the rest of you conservatives out there: This is all your fault. Good job assholes.

Four Assholes Who Are Famous But Shouldn't Be

( Note: When this list was posted it originally included Anna Nicole Smith among the perpetrators. Due to her sudden tragic death - which was not far from what I predicted - her entry has been removed on account that read in today's climate it's in extremely bad taste. I still think she was useless.)

There are some people out there who deserve fame and fortune. What most people don't realise is that it takes a lot of hard work to excel at your chosen field so much that you acquire celebrity status, be that acting, singing, entertainment,sports, or whatever. And the loving adoration of fans is the least we can do to appreciate the talents of such people.

However there are some out there who somehow have apparently managed to forgo the traditional road to fame and fortune, people who just happen to be rich and/or famous and nobody can remember how they got there. Be it through money, connections, or selling their soul to Satan, these people are a blight on the American celebrity subculture. They should all be destroyed, or worse, ignored until they go away.

1) JOAN RIVERS:
I think Joan Rivers epitomizes what I'm talking about here. Who exactly is she again? What did she do to get famous? Was she an actress? Singer? Did she invent something? What exactly does she do? I think she had a talk show for about five minutes fifteen years ago. Now all she does is stand by while other disgusting rich people waddle their way into the oscars and comments on who's wearing the skimpiest clothing. Like if Kermit the Frog turned into an old Jewish woman, that's Joan Rivers.

2) PARIS HILTON:
First off anyone named "Paris" is a bitch, straight out. Second, what the hell did she do to get famous besides star in a badly done amateur porn video? The bitch doesn't even know how to give head decently and suddenly she's on every goddamn channel? So all you have to do to get your own TV show is be rich and play hide the salami with a camcorder in the room? A perfect example of the idle rich, a no-talent disgusting pseudo-aristocrat who uses her wealth and her body to get fame she couldn't acquire otherwise. No doubt soon she'll star in some stupid ass movie.

3) JESSICA SIMPSON:
Another Stupid broad, who's claim to fame seems to be that she's smart as a box of rocks. How did it become an admirable thing to be a thick-headed nincompoop? Yeah she's hot as fuck, but one day Jessica Simpson is going to get old. Her boobs will droop, her ass will expand, her toes will yellow. Who's going to remember her then? She's a flash in the pan movie of the week, and frankly it's time to turn the channel. Fuck Jessica Simpson.

4) DONALD TRUMP:
A goofy baldy-headed asshole, who just happens to have a gazillion dollars so for some reason that means he gets to be on the cover of people magazine every week. Yeah he's got more money than I'll ever see in my entire life, even on TV. Yeah he's probably done more cool and exciting shit and banged tons of hot chicks and will probably die fat and happy and content having done everything he's ever wanted. But that's no reason to be famous. He's not a singer, actor, entertainer, sports hero, writer, politician, or personality, in fact he doesn't have much of a personality. He's an investment banker. Wow, that's some exciting shit. You ever see Donald Trump try to read from a script? He might be rich, but that's all there is to him. He's an icon, the guy we poor people look at and think "If that dickhead and do it, so can I." But if being rich means I have to look like Donald Trump I'd rather stay poor. Look at his ass. he's a fucking robot. And goddammit ditch the toupee already, get some hair implants. You have a billion dollars, you can afford it.

MY COMPUTER SUCKS

Before I start out here, let it be known that I am not a super computer smarty. I read PC World, I read 2600, I read about computer shit on the internet on a daily basis. But I still manage to fuck my computer up from time to time.

So, yesterday I was fooling around on the internet whereupon I came across this list of task menu programs and what they mean. (http://www.answersthatwork.com/Tasklist_pages/tasklist.htm ) Reading down I see two items, IGFXTRAY and HKCMD, which are related to hotkey functions for Intel graphics chipsets. According to this website these were not needed to run at startup (and they were ok to remove,) and seeing how I've never used these particular hotkeys I thought it ok to remove them via msconfig from starting up automatically everytime you start the computer. So far, so good.

Then, everything went to hell. I got these crazy lines going through my screen, big black boxes, vertical grey columns, etc. My screen looked like shit. I assumed that putting everything back the way it was would fix the problem. It was 6:00 pm.

Five hours later and my screen was still fucked up. Here are some of the things I did (in no particular order) to try and rectify the problem:

1) I put the startup folder back the way it was

2) Manipulated the screen resolution, color depth, and hardware acceleration

3) Reinstalled the driver for my graphics card (ATI Radeon 9800 pro,) several times I might add.

4) Downloaded new drivers for the Radeon and installed those, also several times.

5) Changed about every setting there is for the graphics card, monitor, etc.

6) Rebooted in Safe mode, deleted the drivers, rebooted normally and installed them again via plug and play

7) Did the same as above but installed the drivers manually from the CD, then again manually from the download folder

8) Disabled the graphics card in device manager, rebooted, then enabled it again (this really screwed things up and lead to me having to reactivate Windows XP. Fucking Microsoft.)

9) Downloaded new drivers for the motherboard Intel graphics chipset

10) Switched monitors and switched to an old graphics card. Problem did not go away.

10) Loaded the shotgun and put it in my mouth, but the gun jammed.

11) Went on various tech forums and pleaded like a whiny bitch for someone with more computer smarts than me to see it in their heart to help me out.

By the time I had finished doing all this bullshit it was 3:30 A.M. I had just succeeded in wasting my whole day off. I was hungry, tired, and extremely pissed off. As far as I could tell from the internet was that the memory on the graphics card had somehow become corrupted, which blew ass because I didn't want to buy a whole new card just because I unchecked one little box in Msconfig. I tried to masturbate but I couldn't, just too damn angry I suppose (that was a first for me....) And through all of this shit, my screen still looked like this:

See those horizontal lines? That's actually a large improvement from how it originally looked.

So anyway, at 4:00 A.M. I finally gave up, went to sleep, and had dreams about torturing old lady midgets with a wooden cooking spoon. I woke up this morning refreshed, got myself this big caveman club with a nail in it, and prepared to scream at the computer all day again. I turned the shit on, and everything was back to normal.

All I had to do was turn the shit off, wait a few hours, and turn it back on. What the fuck? Who forgot to put that little detail in the manual? I just wasted my whole fucking day on this fucking computer, trying everything I possibly could to try and fix a problem that fixed itself in the middle of the night with no human intervention whatsoever? What the hell is going on here?

I've come to two conclusions, either (A) whoever designed this graphics card somehow put this in there as a practical joke, or (B) the ancient Cuthulu demon that inhabits my computer needs me to be close to it so it can suck out more of my soul energy and thus one day grow strong enough to free itself from it's binary prison. Or maybe it was the Tooth Fairy, or Santa Claus, or some fucking script kiddie who got past my firewall somehow, or God. Who knows. All I know now is that this computer is a piece of shit and I am going to build another one, without a graphics card from ATI. Maybe I'll get a Mac.

Fuck this computer.